Dumpster Fire Recap: The Bachelor 1/9
Happy Friday! I didn’t forget about your Bachelor recap. Work happens.
Let’s party. These floozies are all jacked up on cocktails and ready to tag-team Nick for a few weeks. Take it away Chris Harrison!
We’ve got two group dates and a single one on one date on this week’s docket. Nothing could go wrong! Our favorite rose distributor leaves the first date card and disappears in a cloud of smoke.
Always a bridesmaid…
Corinne
Vanessa
Sara
Alexis
Lacey
Brittany
Raven
Jasmine
Danielle L
Elizabeth W
Taylor
Hailey
Did you know that the goal of this show is for two people to get married? Who knew!? Our group date puts this concept front and center as our femtestants don their finest marriage-wear while a creepy guy takes their picture. Only about half of our lady friends get to be brides. The others get to be bridesmaids or in Brittany’s case, topless Eve (of Adam & Eve fame).
While this mess is unfolding before our eyes, Corinne is all-in on the “telling” part of kissing and telling. She’s also super jealous that Brittany gets to be topless. I’m sure she won’t act-out like a toddler because of this jealousy.
A quick run-down of our brides:
> Sarah is the Vegas bride
> Hailey is the rock and roll bride
> Alexis is the pregnant bride. Better than a shark costume.
> Vanessa is the 1980s bride
> Brittany is Eve
> Corinne is bikini top bride
Vanessa’s shoot is the first to lead to mouth on mouth action, and it’s all downhill from there. Who even knows how many people get mouths on his mouth? Has a season ever had to be called off because of a mono outbreak?
Saving the “best” for last, we finally get to Corinne’s moment to shine. Brittany’s outfit was topless to begin with, but Corinne chooses to make hers topless as well. This leads to this week’s pull quote…
No one has ever held my boobs like that
-Corinne
The super qualified photographer chooses Corinne as the lady that has the most chemistry with Nick. What’s the prize? More pictures with Nick!
Corinne’s additional time with our King gives the other ladies time to write in their diaries that “Corrine is a fugly slut!” That’s what happens when you let The Bachelor grab your bare boobs on a group date.
As the evening drags on, everyone that has any time with him gets some mouth on mouth action. Taylor, Raven, and Corinne get the most significant face time during the evening’s spit swap meet.
Raven is worried that Nick is an asshole, cuz that’s her type. Having terrible taste in meat doesn’t seem like a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, but it’s enough to forge an early connection. Will they last evermore?
Next we have the first battle between Corinne and Taylor. Corinne has already been rocking the villain badge. No turning back now. Corinne strikes first, stealing Nick away from the ladies as soon as they sit down for drinks. Corinne later steals him from Alexis for round two. When Corinne makes the third steal of the night from Taylor, it’s the last straw. Taylor then performs the re-steal. Maybe it will be known as pulling a Taylor.
When Taylor returns from the re-steal, Corinne is ready with a buzzed speech about not being here to make friends. Nick’s not there for it, but he shows up shortly after to dissapoint everyone except for Sam’s team. Corinne gets the rose.
In the midst of Corinne Fest, Danielle M received the first solo date card. Danielle M is one of our senior ladies this season. At age 31, her maturity could be a big advantage against the other floozies. Nick lets us know early in the date that he’s glad to settle down and have the first regular date of the season. That date being your standard helicopter ride that lands on a yacht with a helipad.
What do we learn about Danielle M? She is recovering from an engagement that ended in death. We aren’t told if she was involved in the murder or if she was able to keep the ring. Nick is feeling her and she’s a clear front-runner at this point. She gets the rose, some mouth, and the ride the Ferris wheel (not a euphemism).
Liz spills the beans to Christen, from Indiana, that she had a private audience with Nick’s pants area nine months ago. If you can’t trust someone after knowing them for 48 hours, when can you trust anyone? I’m sure it will all work out if Liz is selected for the group date and is finally able to talk to Nick.
GROUP DATE — We need to talk…
Kristen
Josephine
Astrid
Jami
Kristina
Liz
It’s a small group date and they are in Hollywood USA. They’re going to the Museum of Broken Relationships, a weird place that is totally real. Nick’s ring and rose from Kaitlyn’s season is the featured exhibit. Do people pay to go to this place?
The first episode wouldn’t be complete without some kind of public humiliation challenge, so each lady is staging a break-up with Nick for an audience. It’s the lamest, but Josephine slaps the shit out him. Liz’s breakup is also real, real stupid. Nick and Christen are the only ones that know Liz’s schpiel was based on real events. Liz sucks.
Liz is hanging over the evening festivities. Nick is very concerned that other ladies know that he and Liz previously rode the Ferris wheel together (euphemism!). Christen is the only one that knows so far though. Not sure that’s good for her. She tells Nick what she knows, so it’s time for Nick and Liz to finally talk…
Nick: You didn’t get my number, but you easily could have got at me.
Liz: But… derrrr
Nick sends her packing and now he has to break the news to the ladies.
to be continued…
The B-Squad takes the first hit of the season. Maybe we can give out some roses next week?
OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS
#1 LJ’s Lovelies — Danielle M, Kristina
#2 Sam Salami Jugglers — Corinne, Alexis
T3 Dean Machine — Vanessa, Taylor
T3 Team #GrownSexy — Rachel, Elizabeth W
T3 Dizzle’s Skank Squad — Danielle L, Lacey
T3 Cash Money Camilionaires — Sarah, Christen
T3 Gergg’s Geishas — Whitney, Brittany
T3 Noodle’s Noodlers — Astrid, Josephine
#9 B-Squad — Raven, XXLizXX
#10 The Michaels — Dominique, Jasmine, Jaime, Hailey
#RightReasons
