Dumpster Fire Recap: The Bachelor 2/20

Nick eliminated half of the remaining ladies last week. We rejoin the action as Vanessa, Corinne, Raven, and Rachel wonder if there will be three hometown dates, or the usual four. They’re all a hot mess. Raven already has a rose, so she’s safe.

Our C-list Justin Timberlake impersonator arrives to inform them that they’re all getting a hometown date. Woo fucking hoo. Full disclosure: the hometown date episode is by far my least favorite episode of the series. I’ll do my best to not bring you down.

C’mon! Let’s watch hometown dates

Raven’s up first in Hoxie, Arkansas. A quick map check reveals that Hoxie is in the middle of forking nowhere. That means we’re doing some country-ass shit. Four wheeling, trespassing, having a run-in with the local cop that happens to be her brother. You get the idea. This all crescendos with them rolling around with each other in a waterlogged cornfield, which is not a thing that sane people do. For those that didn’t watch:

This is a thing people do
This is NOT a thing people do

We meet mom, dad, and brother and find out that dad is cancer free. Huzzah! Mama is worried that Raven is gonna get her heart broke, because that’s how they talk in Arkansas. Papa Raven trusts her judgement if she wants to get engaged, but Raven doesn’t drop the L-bomb. Despite that, nothing really goes wrong on Raven’s hometown. That’s usually good enough to advance to the next vacation spot.

Rachel’s hometown is Dallas, Texas! We’ll be back here next season, since she’s the next Bachelorette. That makes this date kind of pointless, but we’re gonna have it anyway. Cue Hozier, cuz Rachel’s taking this goofy-ass to her church. Nick does not fit in this environment. Maybe Nick doesn’t fit in anywhere. He’s the most awkward person ever.

Nick trying to be cool

Before they head to meet the fam, Rachel drops the L-bomb. Rachel’s never brought home a white guy. Nick’s never dated a black girl. What could go wrong?! We meet mom, sister, cousin, sister, and sister’s white husband. Dad is out of town because he heard Rachel’s the next Bachelorette and knows this is pointless. Everyone wants to know if he’s dated a black girl. No.
He seems to pass all of the tests though. Even though it clearly doesn’t work out for the two of them, this was a big moment for the show.

Corinne time! Let’s get fabulous. They’re going shopping? Perfect date. RIP Corinne. I really can’t believe Corinne is getting a hometown date. They’ve clowned her all season and they’re going to squeeze every bit of entertainment out of her before they send her to Bachelor in Paradise.

Corinne arriving at Bachelor in Paradise

During the date, she also drops the L bomb. Keep in mind, this is the first one on one date they’ve had together. Corinne lives in her own world that is not reality-adjacent.

Corinne’s family lives in a high rise by the ocean (there is no cake). We meet mom, sister, dad, and Racquel. Hoo boy. They are quite the familial unit. Mom has nipped, tucked, and injected her way to immortality. Racquel was probably picked up this week in an ICE raid since the show revealed her location. Dad likes whiskey and is concerned that the unemployed doofus that she’s dating will be able to provide her with the lavish lifestyle that she’s accustomed.

The only question I have is, does Nick actually like her? It doesn’t seem like there is any way she makes it to the end, but I’ve been saying that for a WHILE.

Corinne won’t win!

Vanessa is in Montreal. Canada eh? Kind of like Nick’s last ex? Maybe he’s got a thing for the Canucks. Nick meets V’s adult special needs students and they approve. The real test is meeting Vanessa’s very Italian and very split family. Mom’s side is first.

Tons of family members at mom’s house. No way to keep track of it all. There are literally 20 people at this gathering. They are all Canada-tastic though. Nick and Vanessa haven’t talked about where they will live. A pretty minor detail to talk about before getting engaged. Vanessa’s brother might be a leprechaun. Is he adopted? Did he just show up one day with a pot of gold and they let him stay? He doesn’t appear to be related to anyone in the room.

CANADA!

Papa V is also super Canadian. Nick has told every parent how attractive their daughters are, which is not a thing you’re supposed to say to a parent. Vanessa questions whether the guy she’s dating, that is dating three other people, believes that she is the ONE. The main takeaway from Vanessa’s hometown is that her family is concerned that she is going to give up free healthcare for this dipshit. Hometown dates are the worst.

Who will our hero not choose?
Raven and her Raven-ness?
Corinne and her Corinne-ness?
Rachel and her different-ness?
Vanessa and her Canada-ness?

As we prepare for the rose ceremony, Nick receives a knock on the door. It’s MOTHER FUCKING DORF!!!!! What?!

When Dorf is in the house

to be continued…

OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS
#1 Dean Machine (9) — Vanessa, OUT Taylor [+1]
#2 B-Squad (6) — Raven, OUT Liz [+1]
T3 Team #GrownSexy (6) — Rachel, OUT ElizabethW [+1]
T3 Sam Salami Jugglers (9) — Corinne, OUT Alexis [+1]
#5 LJ’s Lovelies (10) — OUT DanielleM/Kristina 
#6 Dizzle’s Skank Squad (4) — OUT DanielleL/Lacey
#7 Gergg’s Geishas (5) — OUT Whitney/Brittany
#8 The Michaels (8) — OUT Jasmine/Jaime/Hailey/Dominique
#9 Noodle’s Canoodlers (6) — OUT Astrid/Josephine
#10 Cash Money Camilionaires (3) — OUT Sarah/Christen