Dumpster Fire Recap: The Bachelor Finale

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called the final two hours of The Bachelor. Yes, it happened two weeks ago. Also yes, it was boring, I forgot about writing this, and I was busy. Apologies.

In case you forgot, we were in the middle of fantasy suite dates with Raven, Vanessa, and Rachel. Raven just dropped her first L-bomb and may have finally had her first (non-manual) O-bomb. Now her boyfriend is off to go on a date with someone else.

Thanks for the orgasm! Have fun on your… date.

Our next Bachelorette steps up to the batters box. It’s Rachel. We already know the next chapter of her journey to find love, and Nick ain’t in it. They go cross country skiing. Rachel is TERRIBLE, since it only snows in Dallas when they host a Super Bowl. They see reindeer and, unfortunately, Nick is not gored by their antlers.

Later, in the yurt. They talk about feelings. Rachel is scared this won’t work out. Nick is also scared. Then Nick becomes the literal poop emoji.

Night time brings out the Nick’s favorite date-night sweater and a rare sighting in Finland, Rachel’s belly shirt. Nobody told her they were going to cold-ass Finland! She lets Turd Ferguson know that she’s in love with him and she will TOTALLY join him in the fantasy suite.

Were they Shaqtin’ a fool?

Who’s up for sloppy thirds?! Vanessa seems to be wondering through the forest trying to find that Nick dick. She eventually finds him and agrees to jump in an ice bath. The path from the ice bath to the sauna is approximately 50 feet. It is made entirely of wooden decking, includes stairs, AND a ladder. They might as well sell advertising space to personal injury lawyers along the way.

They go back and forth from sauna to ice bath like six times until they can stay in the ice bath for ten seconds. This is a bonding experience and she eventually accepts his invitation to the Durex Fantasy Suite. Is Vanessa really going to leave Canada for this joker?

Now that Nick’s batted through the order, it’s decision time. All three dates went well. Vanessa is clearly through. Rose time!

Raven gets the first 
Vanessa gets the last

That’s the end of the road for my team. Rachel is shown the door, but she’s got 30 dudes lined up for next season.

Rachel’s dudes be like

Finale? More like finally! The last hour of The Bachelor/Bachelorette is basically unwatchable, but I’ll stick with it for y’all (as Raven would say).

Raven gets to meet Nick’s family (again) first. Sister Bella still approves. Dad also approves. Mom is still super skeptical about the show and is going to be PISSED when it doesn’t work out with whoever he chooses.

Vanessa is next. She wants to know if Nick is ready. Mom is not super helpful. Dad just wants to go home.

The family meets to issue their verdict. The verdict is “Raven may kind of seem overeager.” THANKS MOM AND DAD! Also, Nick’s dad drops one of the best quotes of all time…

“Nick is days away from being engaged. I don’t envy him.”

Vanessa and Nick go on one last date. Nordic traditions are happening. They’re riding horses through the magical snowy forest. Unfortunately, the destination is Santa’s weird sex cabin. Sex Santa gives them a gift with fertility symbols on it. Santa is WAY different in Finland.

He sees you when you’re sleeping!

They get one last rendezvous at Vanessa’s place. He doesn’t really give her any reassurances, but they get in one last on-camera make-out session.

Final date with Raven. He seems more excited around Raven, but we all know what that means. They go ice skating and we get a preview of Nick’s terrible dancing on Dancing With the “Stars” (the quotation marks are not currently part of the title of the show, but c’mon). Raven is getting a losers edit, which really brings down the episode. At least they get to play with puppies.

Puppies!

One last stop at Raven’s cabin to hear her final pitch. Raven is 100% in and loves him. Nick wants that bonus check, so he doesn’t end it right here.

You think Neil Lane REALLY made the trip to Finland to meet with his bestie Nick (for the THIRD time on a Bachelor Nation show)? Notice that Neil Lane is never shown outdoors in Finland and that they meet in a windowless room…

Neil Land was NEVER in FINLAND!!!

On to the decision. Will the first out of the limo be sent home as usual? Here comes Raven to find out. He lets her give the full speech that she prepared. Brutal. You’d think he would have a little more class having been on the receiving end of this twice.

Nick: I’m gonna miss you
Raven: I know. (like a fucking BOSS)

Vanessa wins. Nick noticed every part of her (he literally said this).

You’re right Harrison! It doesn’t matter which runway you’re SUPPOSED to land on.

Congratulations to team Dean Machine for being The Bachelor season champion (2 points for the W)! Team #GrownSexy also gets an extra point for Rachel being selected as our next Bachelorette. Rachel’s journey started last week, but we don’t get to watch until May 22nd. Mark your calendars and I will see you then!

OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS
#1 Dean Machine (13) — Vanessa, OUT Taylor [+1 rose, +2 final rose]
#2 B-Squad (8) — OUT Raven/Liz [+1 rose]
#3 Team #GrownSexy (8) — OUT Rachel/ElizabethW [+1 Bachelorette]
#4 Sam Salami Jugglers (9) — OUT Corinne/Alexis
#5 LJ’s Lovelies (10) — OUT DanielleM/Kristina 
#6 Dizzle’s Skank Squad (4) — OUT DanielleL/Lacey
#7 Gergg’s Geishas (7) — OUT Whitney/Brittany [+2 March Madness]
#8 The Michaels (8) — OUT Jasmine/Jaime/Hailey/Dominique
#9 Noodle’s Canoodlers (6) — OUT Astrid/Josephine
#10 Cash Money Camilionaires (3) — OUT Sarah/Christen