Dumpster Fire Recap: The Bachelorette 5/29 & 6/5
Folks, the real show has begun. We had to sit through over four hours to get to the first actual rose ceremony, but we finally got there this week. We’ve got group dates. We’ve got one on ones. We’ve got ex girlfriends showing up. We’ve even got Kareem Abdul Jabar. No joke. I hope you’re here for the right reasons. Let’s get to it!
Group date. I’m looking for husband material…
WahBOOM is on this date, so it’s definitely going to get off to a weird start. WahBOOM’s sworn enemy and an aspiring drummer, Blake, is also on this date. WahBOOM is annoying, but nobody has a more punch-able face than Blake.
Ashton and Mila are in the house? They are fans of the show. Good for them. The bro-testants are about to run the husband material gauntlet. Does that mean making sure that they’re employed, not crazy, and haven’t posted more than one selfie per month on Instagram? Nope. It’s an obstacle course that includes changing a diaper on a doll. It comes down to Kenny versus WahBOOM in the final section. Lucas delivers a legit stiff arm to Kenny, a professional wrestler, to seal up the W.
Night time! Blake, AKA Blah-kay, is determined to salt WahBoom’s game. If you like riding in limos to the airport by yourself, the best plan for this show is to talk about someone other than yourself or the Bachelorette. Blake tells Rachel that Lucas is here for the WRONG REASONS. It’s a bad start to a weak evening. The guys aren’t bringing it tonight. Hella lame.
Dean and Kenny both get the first sparks of the season. It’s enough for Dean to snag the first group date rose AND the first on-date kiss of the season. Good news for the B-Squad.
Peter gets the first one on one date (muh dude!). They going to Palm Springs! I don’t really know anything about Palm Springs. It’s probably in California and I bet they have palm trees. Copper, Rachel’s peg-leg dog, is joining them on this trip. They’re going to Bark Fest, which actually sounds like one of the best dates ever! Pete puts points on the board because he is down to move to Dallas and gets along with Copper.
Night time! Let’s get that rose Peter. They both have the gap tooth. It adds character! It’s also good enough for a rose! Peter doesn’t say it, but I will… WaaaaaaaahBOOM!
Group date. Swish…
Let’s shoot some hoops. Kareem is in the house. Oh damn.
Are the dudes ready to show Kareem what they’ve got? DeMario can DeDunk. Lee is bad at basketball. The rest of the guys are there for it. The game quickly turns into an And1 Mixtape Starring DeMario. Everybody is impressed and DeMario is pumped when Rachel pulls him aside after the game for some one-on-one time. But…
The girl that DeMario used to bang on Tuesday nights when nobody else was available is here to wreck shit, and she brought the receipts. He initially denies knowing this woman, which tells Rachel ALL she needs to know about DeMario. He eventually admits, “Well, we did have sexual intercourse.” Uh, wahBOOM. Rachel has had enough and says, “I’m really gonna need you to get the fuck out.” DeBYE, DeMario.
That night, the guys are shocked bye DeMario’s hasty exit. But Josiah is there to talk it out with our queen. He also scores some mouth on mouth action, along with Eric. Josiah had white pants on though, so that was the edge that gets him the rose.
Rose ceremony. Peter, Josiah, and Dean are safe. Naturally, DeMario is back for some closure. What’s he have to say? He greets our queen with a handshake, classy. He’s going to try and dig himself out of this hole. Redemption? Nope. She owns him, calls him a boy, and sends him down the road. RIP DeMario. See you in Paradise.
Anyway, we finally have a rose ceremony. Peter, Josiah, and Dean are safe.
Roses go to…
Tickle monster (Jonathan)
The entire rose ceremony cuts back and forth to Blake and WahBOOM making their case to why they should stay and the other should go home. In one of the best production choices since leaving iAshley in the desert, they BOTH go home. We learn after the ceremony that Blake and WahBOOM live in the same town. It’s like a weird comic book rivalry, but it’s unclear who’s the hero and who’s the villain. Blake says, “Funny is not WahBOOM.” Maybe they’re both villains.
Folks, there is zero time to mourn the loss of those morons. Let’s get to the next week of dates. Two groupers and a one on one.
Group date! Lights, camera, action…
These fools are heading to Ellen. Ellen tickles the tickle monster. The dudes have to dance for cash. Most of them bring it. Tickle monster is an awkward turtle. Alex may have a past as a male stripper. Never have I ever is also played. Fred got singled out for knowing Rachel in the past and she tells Ellen he was a naughty boy. The only correct response to that is, “I’m still a pretty naughty boy.”, but Fred doesn’t come up with it.
Night time. Alex is a Russian spy that wears purple pants. All the dudes have gotten mouth except Fred, but Fred is in his head. He asks for the kiss, then goes for it. It seems like it goes well, but then she tells him that she’ll always think of him as a naughty little boy and sends him home while carrying the rose. Brutal. Alex and his purple pants get the rose
Solo date! Meet me at the rodeo…
They’re riding horses down Rodeo Drive. Anthony’s never ridden a horse before. They stop at some stores to get some cowboy-ass shit and horse cupcakes. Ted the horse drops some bombs in one of the stores. It all goes pretty well for Anthony and he scores that rose like a boss. Then they dance in front of the LA skyline, which is a weak-ass skyline.
GROUP DATE! Sometimes in a relationship the women have to take charge…
No dates for Iggy this week, so he needlessly interjects himself into Eric’s insecurities. Maybe it’s enough for him to make the Paradise cast.
Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis are planning this date, so get ready to get down in the mud wrestling pit. FYI, the only mud wrestling scene that matters is in the movie Stripes. RIP John Candy
Obviously, Kenny owns, but Bryce takes the belt in the end. Raven pushes Eric in front of a bus on her way out of the mud wrestling place. Apparently, two guys told Raven that Eric’s reasons were not pure.
Rachel immediately tells Eric about this betrayal and it all hits the fan around the fire. Then Eric gets the rose. Will that be enough for him to keep his head through the rose ceremony?
Iggy isn’t going to keep Eric’s name out his mouth. Neither is Lee. So… Lee and Iggy have no chance of making it to hometowns. Eric does not take this continued talk well. The episode ends as he berates ALL of the bro-testants for continuing to talk about him behind his back.
That’s it for this week. We loved and lost. DeMario, Blake, Lucas, and Fred have been shown the door, but EVERYBODY is still in it! Remember, the power rankings are only about who will win this season of The Bachelorette. Points go toward the 2017 Title Belt.
OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS
T1 Dean Machine (15) — Josiah/Kenny [+2]
T1 Team #GrownSexy (9) — Peter — OUT DeMario [+1]
T1 Dizzle’s Skank Squad (6) — Anthony/Adam [+2]
T1 Cash Money Camilionaires (5) — Bryan/Jamey [+2]
#5 Gergg’s Geishas (9) — Diggy/Alex [+2]
#6 LJ’s Lovelies (12) — Matt/Will [+2]
#7 B-Squad (10) — Eric/Dean [+2]
#8 Noodle’s Canoodlers (8) — Iggy/Jack [+2]
#9 Sam Salami Jugglers (10) — Bryce - OUT Lucas [+1]
#10 The Michaels (12) —Brady/Jonathan/Lee - OUT Blake/Fred [+4]