I’m tired of what I know and what I’ve enjoyed in life
I’m tired of what I know and I’m tired of easy. I have been choosing what I do and what I avoid on how comfortable and safe those decisions are for me.
I’m done with it. Oh sure I can say this today and not mean it tomorrow. I’ll probably have to revisit this again and again. But you know what? I don’t care. I am choosing to do this today. I am not going to make this kind of decision based upon how difficult it is or how successful I think it will end up being. Things are difficult no matter what I do. Things will continue to fail even after this. I’m going to try this based on…wanting to do it. I don’t want to decide something that is amoral by determining how hard it will be to try. Characters win stories, not plots. It’s my values and my character that matters in the long run. Character is the fountainhead of my actions.
But I’ve listened to the same kinds of music, I watch the same movies over and over, and I start 10 books and finish one. I’ll play a game and never finish it. I bowl and I bowl bad for months on end. I tell myself I’m doing these things because I enjoy them but that’s a lie. I don’t enjoy what I’m doing fully. I want to do things that I enjoy but that doesn’t mean I do what I enjoy to. In fact, I find myself doing them because they are easy and comfortable — safe. I don’t like safe. Porn is safe. A messy room is safe. Not working is safe. Not sharing my faith is safe. I don’t want to just be safe, I want to live. I’m tired of setting low standards for happiness and joy for myself. I’m going crazy in my head. God never makes being glorified sound safe. He throws our life around. Things die. People are murdered. Good grief, he died on a tree only to be resurrected three days later. The infinitely powerful and timeless God stayed dead for three days! People were in hiding. His disciples were fearful of what would happen now. But he is good. And he did come back. And he gave them comfort. I’d rather fail than stay where I am right now. It isn’t worth it to me anymore.
I want to go dancing tonight and I am terrified to even go. I haven’t even touched the dance floor, much less got in the car to go. What is that nonsense? To feel fear of something before it has happened and I am doing nothing to prepare myself? I even found myself doing my budget to prove to myself that I can’t afford to go dancing. I haven’t followed my budget that strictly (as I should) for who knows how long! How backwards is that?
But instead I will treat fear like a child who’s throwing a tantrum. Every time my fear flares up I need to calmly invite it in. I’ll ask it to sit down in a chair next to me and ask fear a simple question with a simple response:
What are you? What are you telling me to fear?
In this case the answer is probably,
If you go you’ll be embarrassed and ashamed because if you dance well it proves that people have something to like about you.
And then I’m going to respond:
I can handle that! Will that destroy me? No. I can handle that.
And I’ll take fear by the hand and we’ll go to the dance.
— — — — — — — — —
Oh, and by “accepting” my fear I really mean that I will assume that the fear is right; I’ll take it’s worst-case scenario to heart. I’ll go to that dance regardless of how I feel. And it’ll probably hurt and be miserable the first couple of times. It’s a new thing and I don’t handle new very well. But fear is supposed to protect me from danger, but that doesn’t mean I need to always fear that danger.
But I want to do new things. I’m tired of the old I’ve been up to. Playing the same games, listening to the same music, watching the same movies over and over.
And (ha!) even if I do my budget and find that I can’t swing it then, well, I’ll choose then. But I don’t need to live by fear. Fear needs to live with me. And instead I’ll turn to fear and ask it what else it has been hiding from me. I’m sure I could just work on cleaning my room or actually finish a book for once.