Sacrificing too much? 10 things you should never Sacrifice for a Relationship!
A healthy relationship is broadly defined by love, commitment, respect, companionship and care. It consists of two people committed to each other who meet halfway on life decisions, on issues, or in case of conflicts. However, if you feel drained in your relationship, and feel that your partner’s contribution is questionable, you are probably making too many compromises and sacrifices to make this relationship work. Relationships may be well equated to the wheels of a car. The car will manoeuvre successfully only when all the wheels are aligned and working in harmony. If even one of them is flat or not aligned, the progression is either hampered or completely halted. While relationships and successful marriages often call for compromise and sacrifice to some extent for the larger good, few things are non-negotiable and there are few things you should never sacrifice for a relationship.
Do you know that as per American Psychology Association about 40–50% of married couples in the United States divorce and this divorce rate is surprisingly higher for second marriages. Making a marriage work calls for lots of team work, understanding, compromise and even sacrifice to some extent to make things work in the long term. But excess of anything is bad. You have to define your own boundaries to determine the extent of sacrifice to be able to keep the emotional dissonance at bay. If your sacrifice or efforts outweigh the outcomes, it’s time to rethink before you suffocate and choke yourself.
Sacrifice Versus Compromise
Before we read about the things you should never sacrifice for a relationship, it is good to distinguish between sacrifice and compromise. There is often a clear line between the two which gets blurred over time and you suddenly find yourself sacrificing more often than compromising.
1. Compromise is mutual and sacrifice is one sided
In compromise, partners try to arrive at a decision mutually and iron out differences in the process and figure something out in order to make the relationship work. Both the partners take few steps towards each other, achieve equilibrium and move forward in life.
While in sacrifice one partner is always giving up something as a one sided attempt to make the relationship work. While one partner often takes a few steps toward the other one, the other partner is either standing still or is even taking a step back. This means one partner is always adjusting, working against their value system in order to drag the relationship.
A relationship predominantly defined by sacrifices will not work, but a relationship based on healthy compromises will surely work.
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2. Sacrifice can lead to resentment while compromise is not resentful
Compromise often means that the partners are facing a unique situation which seems difficult to pass, and the best way to resolve this is to have both of the partners agree to a common ground, make some shifts in their behaviour, make new arrangements in an attempt to have the relationship flow again. Although this may not be a fun thing, it doesn’t cause resentment between the lovers. It can be intimidating or difficult at first but it is the most potent solution to keep a relationship going.
While sacrifice often leads to a lot of resentment in one of the partners who has been mostly adjusting or altering his or her behaviour, going against his or her fundamental values, giving away something he or she holds in high regard, and to make this worse he or she often finds sacrificing again and again without the other person even recognizing it. A relationship in which one person is made to sacrifice a lot, will surely not work as it leads to a lot of resentment.
My relationship advice for couples or marriage advice would be to talk to your partner and communicate openly. You should be able to explain what your feelings are and how things are not working anymore while charting out a clear cut path to get back to a healthier relationship.
10 things you should never sacrifice for a relationship
1. Yourself
Never change yourself for anyone, not even your significant half. Your partner chose you for what you are. If he or she expects you to change later in life, alter your personality & let go of your authentic self, then it’s time to rethink your relationship. Though some minute compromises are required to make your relationship work, expecting to change your fundamental self is unreasonable.
A partner who truly loves you, will continue to love you the way you are. He or she will embrace your positive traits as much as your negative traits and will accept you for who you really are. So choose to be yourself unapologetically!
2. Your Values
Everyone has their fundamental core values with respect to their notion of relationship. For most of us, being in a monogamous relationship is one of the core values. So, if being the only one in your married or love life, is a non-negotiable rule, stand by it. If you desire your relationship this way, make it very clear and never sacrifice your values for anyone. Infidelity is a deal breaker. Make it clear, out & loud!
3. Your freedom
Do you often find yourself checking with your partner before going out? Do you feel guilty about spending time with friends and family? This shows that your significant other lacks confidence in himself or herself due to some childhood experience or unhealed trauma or some past bad experiences. This hints towards controlling behaviour and deep rooted insecurities which often is an unhealthy sign. Your freedom is non-negotiable and you are free to make your lifestyle choices on a daily basis at least. Your partner should respect your freedom as long as you are not overdoing it and prioritizing your relationship over anything else.
4. Your desire to explore
If you are adventurous, tenacious seeker or love trying new things, your partner should be able to respect and encourage you to take risks, explore new territories, be adventurous and grow as a person. After all life is all about new experiences. Even if your partner is not as adventurous as you are, he or she should not hold you back from trying new things. This will definitely help your relationship go a long way.
5. Your dreams & interests
Every person has some dreams & interests which keep them motivated and give a reason to keep moving forward in life. If your dreams, interests or hobbies are not harmful, or illegal or detrimental to your personal life, your partner should be able to help you chase those dreams rather than be an impediment to your future. Relationship is your support system and should give you a platform to help you realise your dream. If your significant half is pulling you backwards, or stopping you from realising your dreams, they don’t deserve you. Similarly, your partner should encourage you to pursue your hobbies or interests like dancing, cooking, gardening, travel and should be happy to see you living the life you wanted & the way you wanted. Your partner shall be siding with you in your endeavours rather than fighting against you in the ring. Never sacrifice your dreams & interests for anyone.
6. Your self-worth
You should take pride in yourself and have a positive self-worth. No one shall be allowed to puncture your self-respect or self-esteem. Your partner should make you feel confident & uplift your self-worth and not the other way round. If your partner is always making you feel bad about yourself, blaming you for all the mis happenings, holding you responsible and rupturing your self-respect, it’s time to move on. This is one of the most important things you should never sacrifice for a relationship.
Your partner should make you feel wanted, desired, beautiful and confident, no matter at what stage of relationship you are in. Do not sacrifice your self-respect for anyone. Continuing your relationship at the cost of your self-respect is definitely not worth even a try.
Also Read: I will always be there for you! Really? Do you Walk the Talk?
Also look out for signs of emotional abuse in your relationship. If you feel you are being controlled by your partner by tactics of emotions, embarrassment, shame, blame game, gaslighting, criticism, abusive words, physical abuse, bullying etc, immediately work on your exit plan.
7. Your personal space
We all have three-dimension access to our lives- Public, Personal and Private. While public life refers to your social interactions with the outside world, personal life has to do with your family, partner & selected few which is protected from your public life. The third dimension is private life which refers to your own exclusive space that you may want to keep just for yourself. Your private life is protected from both- your public and personal life.
We all want to have some alone-time or ‘ me-time’, to reflect back, resolve inner conflicts, and come to terms with reality. This is perfectly healthy and makes us more mature & more connected to our inner-self. Me-time can mean a range of things like spending time with friends, jogging alone in the park, travelling solo for a few days, reading a book in your cosy corner, or sipping tea on the balcony. All that matters is that we are giving some space to ourselves to ventilate our feelings.
While it is quite normal to be completely into each other during the honeymoon phase or courtship stage, spending some time alone on a daily basis is the most sane thing you can do in your life in later stages of your relationship. A partner who doesn’t have a sense of your personal space, or who denies giving you some personal space is not a healthy sign and shall be dealt with immediately.
8. Your family & other social support system
This is a real problem, with most of the relationships. I have personally witnessed such cases, where after marriage people break all bonds with their friends and even families. While after marriage specially, during the honeymoon period, couples or one of the partners goes underground, so as to explore each other, settle down & adjust to the new setup. But this happens generally for an initial couple of months, after which normal social life resumes.
If your partner expects you to cut off ties or keep a distance with your loved ones, it is not justified. Your social and familial relations should not suffer just because you are married, or have a partner. Rather your partner should encourage you to have your own social life as well, and even be a part of it. A good partner, not only is confident of you but also integrates well with your social life. Sacrificing your family and loved, because of your romantic relationship hints towards possessive behavioural traits of your partner. You need to understand that family is everything, and someone who takes you away from them, is not worth your commitment.
9. Your spiritual beliefs
Practising one’s own faith or religion is one’s own choice & your partner should not ask you to depart from your beliefs or force you to adopt new beliefs. Though some people change their religion for their partners willingly, it should come from within rather than coming across as a condition. No relationship is worth sacrificing your religious value system. Your partner should rather be a part of your spiritual journey, encourage you and grow with you rather than pivoting you in the direction of his own faith.
10. Your happiness & inner peace
Happiness & inner peace is the ultimate goal for all of us. If we are not happy being with someone, or we are in a relationship which is not fulfilling, or we feel something big is missing, then it’s time to rethink. Your partner should be able to bring happiness and calmness in your relationship. Your relationship should vibrate positive energies and help you find your inner peace rather than keeping you insecure, unhappy, resentful, angry, sad, anxious etc.
Yes happiness is a choice and we can choose to be happy. So you can choose to be happy by focusing on things you should never sacrifice for a relationship.
Also Read: Happiness is a choice, choose to be Happy — 11 ways to choose happiness today!
Making your relationship work is the art of balancing life as you oscillate between being flexible to being rigid. There may be times you will have to compromise and be flexible to keep things moving in the positive direction. While there may be a time to hold your ground, stay put on what you believe in and say no while staying true to yourself and not sacrificing yourself for anyone.
Also Read: Learn to say ‘No’
Ask yourself few questions and answer in ‘Yes’ or ‘No’:
- Have you sacrificed your career, family, friends, value system, ambition, beliefs or either one of them for your relationship?
- Have you lost your inner peace and eternal happiness with time being in a relationship?
- You don’t feel confident, beautiful, desired & wanted in your relationship anymore?
- Have you given up all your hobbies, interests, desires for your partner and this goes mostly unrecognized?
- Have you lost being yourself and altered your personality for the sake of your relationship?
- Do you often find yourself compromising with your self-esteem, self-respect and have considerably lowered your self-worth over time?
- Do you feel emotionally abused, gaslighted, manipulated or even bullied in your relationship?
- Do you feel insecure in your relationship and sense infidelity somehow?
- Do you feel resentful, angry, anxious, unsatisfied, sad, or stressed most of the time in your relationship?
- Do you find yourself sacrificing more than compromising? And are you the only one making adjustments in the relationship?
- Do you feel something is not right or something is majorly ‘off’ in your relationship?
If the answer to most of the questions is ‘Yes’, it means you are on the receiving end in your relationship and you need to stand up for yourself and take a call. Only you can save yourself from drowning down more deep in the swamp. Let not others diminish you and take away what is rightfully yours.
What are the other things you should never sacrifice for a relationship as per you? Or do you have any marriage advice to offer? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below. If you like this post please subscribe to our newsletter for new posts on simple life wisdom for complex lives.
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Originally published at https://theeasywisdom.com on August 8, 2020.
