#COMPLICATE — Write Your Ass Off April #WYAOApril
Why must you #complicate everything? Why must I understand everything to the point that I #complicate things, too? Why must we get in the way of growing something so beautiful that we #complicate it all?
I want to know you but you hold on to this ridiculous and rigid belief that loving you has to be difficult. You tell me you want to be understood but willingly stand behind a wall you’ve built for no other reason than to see who’ll break it down. It’s a struggle to see you beyond that superficial roadblock. Your hoops, intentionally lit with fire, to see if people will show you’re worth bending over backwards…or jumping at your will.
And it isn’t that I don’t think you’re worth SOMETHING. It’s just that I don’t think you’re worth THIS. The time and energy to exude effort with no guarantee that you’ll do the same when it’s my time to #complicate us. I express that you deserve everything your heart and mind yearns for but the more I talk to you, the more I see. I’m [probably] not the person to give you the heaven on earth you seek.
You see, I don’t want a complicated relationship. If I end up in one, I believe in working through the barricades, but with you? I’d intentionally be walking into an obstacle course set up for anyone and everyone. I don’t want that. I don’t want complicated. I don’t want anything that reminds me of the dysfunction I so desperately seek to rid myself of.
And you make it seem so wrong to want easy. To want functional. To want something we rarely get but continuously stress, needing. So here I am going against reason to give it to you. At the same time, knowing I have to accept that everyone doesn’t really want what they complain about not having. And that you just might be part of this everyone. Some of us want the bickering, uncertainty, jealousy, possessiveness, the abuse we misinterpret as love…because of that fine line that crosses over into passion. And in a way, I get it because I want that passion that feels like electricity. But I don’t see this as I wish it to be. I see this for what it is so I hesitate because…I don’t want THIS. I want something different. I want something more. I want something good. I want to be free of the toxic.
I don’t want the stress and strain of it all. Not wanting that doesn’t make me any less worthy of the paradise I know exists. It doesn’t make you any less deserving of your imagined utopia, either. But the more I look at you, the more I see beauty caught in misery. Afraid of change but knowing you’ll never get what you want by standing in the same place of unhappiness. And I want to yell at you to “GET IT TOfuckingGETHER” “SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT” “LEAVE YOUR PAST WHERE IT BELONGS” and a million other things that you can only accept when you’re ready to pull your feet out of the wet cement you keep intentionally standing in.
I can’t keep wanting this more than you. I won’t risk my happiness to insure yours. I won’t return to the old way of doing things simply because there’s a chance you’ll want to walk away from it all with me. What I can do is stick to wanting the more that is not complicated. I don’t have to do this with you and I’m not going to.
At this moment, I am not for you and you are not for me. This is how We don’t #complicate things anymore.
This post is part of Write Your Ass Off April, a Twenties Unscripted 10-Day Writing Challenge #WYAOApril. If you want to participate, click here. If you want to share but not on a public forum, email your posts to firstname.lastname@example.org)