The Sad Final Days of Ernie Keebler
Today, we begin a multi-part series chronicling the late 1980’s downfall of the Toony Loons Gang.
“Toony Loons” by Bryan Erdy
Part 1: Pebbles in the calm (from the personal diary of Ernie Keebler)
August 12, 1988.
With no regard to the 29 years of my employment, the boys on floor 7 are at it again… but this time, with a twist. “Hey Ern… instead of a sidekick… how ‘bout an on-air partner”? These soulless bastards are so transparent. Too old… too standard.. passé. Is that what I am now? Do I need help to sell the cookies? FUCK NO! EL Fudge is an inferior product, and the introduction of a clumsy but lovable baker is a farce. The elves haven’t heard yet… how can I look them in the face when they hear that once again, they will be cast further into the background. The past six months have been hell. The Trix rabbit contract holdout… Capt’n Crunch being behind the firing of the Crunchberry Beast… Jonnie’s lawsuit against the CoCo Puffs bird. It creates a hole in the trust of the American public that is ever-widening. If the world ever found out about my past with King Vitamin… then I would never work again.
September 14, 1988
The Pillsbury Doughboy just signed a new contract… and he will now have figures made of him. ACTION FIGURES!!! How a giggling, asexual NO-TALENT like Paul can reach that plateau so soon is beyond me. It took me 12 years and four contracts to get myself into a mail-away coloring book. On a lighter note, Jason sent me a cover of the new logo for King Vitamin. He never stops trying. We had five good years… but every time he claims he can change… change for ME… I bring up Kansas City. I do miss him… wearing the crown… the teeth… the baths… he rolled a mean joint. And to be honest, I never really minded the cat as much as I let on. Besides… the Elves loved them
November 15, 1988
Thought I saw Jason today on the set. If that’s the case… I can’t believe he didn't visit the elves. That really hurts me… and it would hurt them as well. What drives a man to be so callous? If he was responsible for the Doughboy toys in my dressing room… I will get a restraining order. I’m getting tired of the games.
November 30, 1988
I am taking Jason to court… I don’t care about His “image” anymore. I’m too old for the games and two elves have walked. Keebler is getting nervous about the Fudge Graham wrappers left throughout the backlot. The world will find out.. but I don’t care. I’m so scared.
Two days later… Ernie Kowlaski (AKA Ernie Keebler) was found dead, apparently the victim of a murder/suicide by “King Vitamin” Jason Barthalamew. Kevin Kowlaski took over the role of Ernie in future commercials, and the “King Vitamin” campaign has remained the same for 12 years.
