How the ending begun

Zara Persson
Jul 23, 2017 · 4 min read

We had just came back from a trip to Helsinki.
It was 5 days of fun, loving moments including putting our lock in the bridge of love and throwing away the key. He was everyday mentioning how happy he was about being married to me. After 4 months of zero fights, things seemed to be finally falling into place. Constantly he was mentioning how nice things were between us now.
At the airport, after Ulrika calling to say their 20 year old daughter had a migraine and because of that, the 18 year old birthday party would be at HER place instead of a restaurant — he looked at me and said “I don’t really understand why do I actually get mad when you bash Ulrika. I should just let you do it. Why do I get mad? She is a pain in the ass, you’re right! I don’t know why I get so mad… from now on honey, you can say whatever about her. I won’t be mad!”. I was in heaven! He also said he wasn’t feeling like going to her place (I wouldn’t go! To be honest… migraine my ass! That was just an excuse to do it in a way I couldn’t participate) and lucky us the flight back home got delayed and he easily called her to tell he wouldn’t be there because of the flight delay.
There was only one thing that wasn’t perfect: Johan’s zero sex appetite.
I’m young, I love taking care of myself, getting well dressed, exercise, I’m almost obsessed about hygiene, why would my man not feel like having sex to me at all? I do understand anti-depressants may take away your sex drive (may… I take anti-depressants and I’m a torch down there!) but, not even try?
He could notice it was bothering me. But nothing too big it couldn’t be sorted out together. If HE wanted.
A week later from our trip, on a sunday morning Johan was all loving. Putting his arms around me and telling me he loves me. Then in the evening, all of sudden while watching TV, he turned to me and said: “I can’t do this. We can’t be married. You’re not satisfied. I can’t do this.” For the hundredth time he was breaking up with me, but even though he ended up coming back all the other times I just knew that there would be this one time that would not have a way back. And it could be this one.
I cried, I begged, I questioned. He cried a bit and when I called my mom, he went to the bedroom, sobbed a bit and slept.
I couldn’t sleep. I just cried. He woke up, went to work. I couldn’t go to school.
I cried.
I cried all day.
When he came home, he asked how my day was. Duh!?
And he just said “I had so much fun at work!
Fun? You end your marriage, have your wife crying her ass off at home alone, far from family and friends and you managed to HAVE FUN?”.
That was the beginning of the end. Not just the relationship, but my love for him.
We got to the agreement that we both need a year or so to get everything settled to move apart. I need to at least do a few more months of swedish and get a job. He needs to get more points in the apartment renting system or finish his debts from the previous marriage. So, the next following weeks was a nightmare, and it has been till this day.
Johan has been showing his true colors.
Like he says, he was tired of having to be nice to me. What I understand of “tired of being nice to somebody” means you have to make an effort to be nice, and that also means that you’re not naturally nice. He sure isn’t. He’s been creepy, evil, selfish, abusive and cruel in such a natural way that I have no doubts that this is the man I stupidly married to. He is that way and he thinks it’s ok to be that way. The evil things he does, he doesn’t even see as evil.
I still have 11 months ahead living with this beast, and even though he’s one of the darkest hearts I’ve ever met ever, I still manage to be nice to this man. I can’t pass a day without giving him a hug and telling him that if he needs something, he can ask. Even though I’m the one who needs help. I’m the one who needs a hug because I’m scared to death in all this.
And angry.
And disappointed.
And hurt. Deeply hurt.

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