Pastafarianism: Delicious Religion (Part 2)

The Eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’t by FSM:

• I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Act Like A Sanctimonious, Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really. I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject. OK?
• I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Use My Existence As A Means To Kill, Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water; not people.
• I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, and get this in your thick heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey-Samey. One is not better than the other unless we’re talking about fashion. Then, I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
• I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is, “ Go f*** yourself good on you,” Unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
• I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then, go after the B******
• I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/ Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (take your pick):

- Ending Poverty.

- Curing Diseases.

- Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable.

I might be a complex-carbohydrate, omniscient being, But I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the Creator.

• I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And, I told you to love your fellow man. Can’t you take a hint?
• I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot Of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (Pursuant To #4), then have at it. Take Pictures. But for the love of Mike, wear A CONDOM! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it, I would have added spikes or something.

Pastafarian Pray

Let’s pray, brothers and sisters!

I believe Thou art the Creator of Goodness and Nourishment, and of Sustenance. I thank the Pasta, and the Sauce, and the Meatballs, for they provide me all my needs.

I thank Thee for the giving of healthful Green Salad, the Yummy Garlic Bread, and the Blessed Cheese for the top of my Spaghetti, and also I am most thankful that If I eat All my Dinner, a Dessert of Extreme Chocolateness will surely follow, preferably Dark Chocolate, for it is Good.

I believe that Thou are neither Male, nor Female, but are instead beyond the reaches of the gender confusion of Man and Woman Kind, yea, thou are ageless, timeless and all-encompassing.

I most humbly thank Thee, oh Noodly Appendaged One, for Touching me with the mental capacity to adapt the mythologies of This Universe to aid and comfort me here, until that day I am able to join together with my Pastafarian Brothers and Sisters at the foot of the Beer Volcano, and enumerate my specifications at the Stripper Factory, so that happiness and contentedness and good cheer be present for all, forever and forever

Ramen.