“Sweetie, No!”: The heartbreak of “you’re not fat”
Sweetie, no!
In passing, I mention to you that I’m fat. Your response to this truth is concerned, insistent, sometimes frenzied. Sweetie, no! You’re not fat!
You mean to convey so much in that denial. You’re not terrible. You are not irresponsible, not to blame, not worthless, not sad. You are not the worst case scenario. You are redeemed. You are my friend. I still love you.
Sweetie, no! is a benediction, a rosary to recite to ward off the worst possibilities. Because when I say I’m fat, it begins a domino effect. Because you’ve been taught that if I am fat, I cannot also be desirable. If I am not desirable, then I cannot be beautiful. If I am not beautiful, I cannot have worth. So you object. Because, understandably, it hurts you to hear your friend say she doesn’t have worth.
But that isn’t what I said.
In that moment, you infuse my body with attitudes and assumptions about being fat. And those conflations are so common, so routine, so ubiquitous, that you can’t hear what I did say.
Sweetie, no!
Your panic and discomfort sit heavy on my shoulders, the alarm ringing in my ears. It’s disappointing. Over time, denials like these become exhausting, even frustrating. Because every sweetie, no! denies an…
