Sometimes, all a man wants is to get his breakfast quickly, and waiting in a drive-thru can be tedious when you’re already 20 minutes late for work. A small sandwich made from waffles and sausage to be washed down with burnt coffee would be just enough to keep the dogs from barking in my brain. The line’s once brisk movements slowed to a stop when a minivan in front of me pulled up to the speaker box. The cream colored conveyance was caked in dust. There was a friendly little note in the window smeared with small fingers that said Wash Me! I saw shadows flickering through that thoughtful suggestion and heard dreadful monsters in the backseat, screeching like rabid bats on a Discovery Channel Documentary. The fat fingers of the driver were holding something long and slender. A graceful line of thin smoke cruised from it. Her arm looked like it was wrapped in bruised chicken skin. Her flap of a mouth was moving, and I heard horrible words.
“We’re gonna need a minute.” The fat woman said and rolled her window up. In that moment, I was damning every God in the universe.
“Why in the holy fuck did this have to happen now? Didn’t these monsters have a school to terrorize? Didn’t this beast of a woman have some sort of desk chair that needed to be tortured?”
One could only hope the carbon monoxide from her cigarette, which was filling the minivan slowly could put them all to sleep one last time. But alas, she rolled the window down again. Smoke poured out of the window as she stuck her head and elbow out like a bird in a tree. Her swollen, dark circled eyes perked in her desperately plump head, and she spoke to the box again.
“Can we do 2 separate orders?” She asked.
The box must have said what she expected and she rolled her window back up. I was screaming in my head. There seemed to be no end to the madness. Her ability to destroy time had driven the people behind me away. Some of them parked their cars, and meandered inside on foot.
“Oh No! I will not fall! I will not break! I will not…leave my air conditioning!”
I couldn’t hear her voice anymore because I couldn’t take having my windows down. The humidity was out of control and I was starting to sweat through my white T-shirt. I look at the clock, 8:38 AM.
“Why is it so fucking hot! Why is it……so sticky outside?”
Her brake lights flashed quickly. My heart fluttered and damn near jumped out of my rib cage. The woman was disengaging her parking brake! Since she was using her foot to brake she had to be close to being done. It had to be close. I turned my AC to 4 from 3 and opened my window in hopes of hearing her transaction being completed.
“I got one more order”. She said. “I just need another minute”
I put my car into park as I rolled my window up. I looked at my clock. It was 8:45 AM and all hope of keeping my job had been extinguished. This was the 3rd time in that week that I was going to be late. It was my fault. Even though I had had my excuses for before it wouldn’t have mattered. Derek didn’t respond well to tardiness, especially when it was repetitive.
Monday, my wife was on the elliptical before the sun was up. The floor would shake. I’d felt the rhythm of every swing, and heard every beep as she burned another 100 calories. Even after I got out of bed, and asked her to wait until I left for work, she insisted that dawn was the best time for cardio. I went back to bed, in the hopes that eventually I could tune her out, but I never could. She was 20 minutes into her workout and still had another 40. I needed sleep but that was obviously out of the question. I was too pissed. It would have taken an hour for her to get an aerobic workout, but It only took 30 seconds for me to cut her head off.
After nearly 2 hours of cutting and jamming her corpse into the trash compactor, I was on my way to work. It’s amazing how hard it is to break a leg bone in half. Of course, I had said to Derek that it was a flat tire and I had to wait on triple A to help me out. “No harm, No foul”, Derek had said. After work that night, I was awake scrubbing our bathroom floor for hours. I didn’t get to bed until almost two in the morning.
And sure, Tuesday I might have been on time, even after waking up late because I overslept. My bed was a little more comfortable now that there was only one occupant. But Bill’s dog was taking a shit on my porch as I was leaving. I couldn’t just let that slide, and it took me 30 minutes to catch him.
I twisted and ripped off his tail and jammed it in his mouth. Eventually Rusty choked to death. I still have scabs on my hands from the scraping teeth. I left the dog and it’s pile of shit on Bill’s driveway for him to clean up. Luckily there was an accident on the interstate that I blamed the tardiness on. Derek said it would be wise to not let it happen again. It would be wise indeed. I needed this job.
I also needed to get my breakfast. I needed to get those people out of my way. And I remembered that I had a claw hammer in the backseat of my car.
I grabbed it’s duct taped handle and stared at the scarred head of my salvation. I turned my air all the way up to 5. The fans were blowing ice cold delight all over my face. The woman still had her windows up, and the monsters were making faces at me through the dusty back window.
The blood staining my boots was laughing at me. The brains that splattered in my hair and on my hammer were drying defiantly. It was surprising to me how awful the insides of a 300lb woman could smell. It was a combination of vomit, shit and another odor that reminds me of the inside of a pack of hot dogs. There was shattered glass and clumps of bloody hair all around me. After I took care of the woman and her family, I ran inside the restaurant. I swung my hammer at the clerk and screamed for a sandwich and a large coffee. She stared at me with wide tear filled eyes. Her hands shook as she handed me my request.
I stumbled backwards out the door with my prize in hand. I went back to my car which was still parked in line. I grabbed the handle and pulled it towards me. It slipped from my hands and popped back against the door. I stared back at the vehicle which was still running with the air on 5.
The doors were locked. But luckily I still had my hammer. Sometimes, you win in life.