You need to obsess over it. You need to find its roots. To dig deep and discover every corner of it because if you don’t, you’ll never find its weakness.

I refer to depression as “it” a lot because it is more than just an illness, it is a thing. It’s the dark corners in your mind pulling you inside on a beautiful day. It is the creature that drags your emotions down anytime you create happiness for yourself. It is what you are if you don’t learn how to control it. Without controlling it, you will never conquer it.

I have struggled with depression for most of my life, some days more severe than others. My manic depression stems from genetic dispositions and grade school bullying. Throughout the years I ignored my depression. I expected it to get better with pills or by other people fixing it for me through therapy. I realized soon after that none of it worked. I mean, it works.. But it doesn’t really WORK. It’s a viscous cycle of emotions that have single handedly torn my bubbly personality to pieces and turned me into this self hating, world resenting young women who has lost all of her friends and spends everyday working because she’s too afraid to learn how to enjoy life anymore.

Nothing I did helped.

Pills. Therapy. Hospitalization. Mediation. Weight Lifting. Reading. NOTHING helped my depression. Now, these are all spectacular tools to work with your depression, but I wasn’t using them right. I was using them as a bandaid when what I really needed was a cast to mend my broken mind.

I was broken.

I still am broken.

The difference between the old me that struggled with this and the new me is I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I figured out my depressions weakness. I was able to find its kryptonite through my constant obsession of my struggle with depression. I focused on its roots. I meditated on its solutions. I worked out and kept in mind all that it has ever taken away from me. I pushed forward. I took it in head first, I emerged myself completely into the darkness alone. I fell down. I cried. I was hospitalized. I threw away friendships like old shampoo bottles. I got back up again. I kept fighting. I fought harder. I wrote down every emotion I ever felt over a course of a day. I focused on my sadness. I found its roots. I became stronger. Until finally… FINALLY I faced the beast head on. I found the dark creature that has drained my life force for a very long time and without obsessing over it I would still be lost.

I still struggle, I still cry sometimes. But I know what it is now. I know what is making me cry, and I work every damn day to find a way to make those tears stop faster. I’ve accepted my depression for what it is and have gotten to know it, and myself, on a more personal level. I am my own expert.

If there is one thing I’ve learned during this heart wrenching journey is this: