The Ten Worst Hate Reads of 2018
Which I guess makes them the best?
2018 has been a year. We went through an Olympics, an election, and so many little fiascos in between. Remember BDE? Oh, what a simpler time. Throughout all of that, only one thing has been constant throughout: whenever we could, we focused our rage on petty hateread articles just because we could, because it was something ELSE.
A hateread (all one word) is an article about something relatively innocuous that breeds clicks, contempt, and hot takes. But there’s a fine line between a hateread and just plain old bad writing. Bad writing takes a good subject and makes a meal of it. Well written hatereads can take a bad subject and present them fairly and honestly.
Sometimes this can be done with such extreme care and skill, the result exceeds the hateread label entirely, like the probing and unflinching profile of Lena Dunham published this year on The Cut, one of my top articles of the year. It could have become a laughingstock of an article, but it was handled so well, it left the analysis up to the reader. Same goes for the flagship of the Summer of Scam: the multiple stories highlighting the saga of Anna Delvey, fake German heiress.
So what makes a hateread? Well, it has to be published. Deleting a piece means the publisher has regret, and we’re not looking for regret. We want that heady sugar rush of “This person thinks this and will stand by it, and I think it’s absurd, so it will briefly make me feel superior.” This means pieces like “Priyanka Chopra is a Scammer” and “Thank U, Next is Transphobic” don’t count, unfortunately. It can’t be too political, hatereads are non-partisan, so “12 Young People On Why They Aren’t Voting” makes the cut, but not, say, Bari Weiss’ repertoire. Everyone can get mad at people not voting. Listicles are also out of the running, I feel like those are cheating somehow.
As a young writer, not even out of undergrad, I hasten to add that none of these articles are slights against the platforms that publish them. The hate is always pointed at the subject, who may or may not be the author, not the platform. I need to keep my few publishing bridges intact and unburnt.
10. Queer Women Who Love Fake Nails Exist & Yes, You Can Still Have Sex With Us
Back in April, I made a bracket of the best hatereads of all time, including an article about a rhinestone-encrusted-fingering mishap from Autostraddle. It was brilliantly written, to the point where a woman’s ripped insides are described as “crepe paper birthday decorations.” So you can imagine my surprise when I read this article from Bustle about how long nails are good for fingering, actually.
The author quotes two queer women, The L Word, and a Go Beauty article about “7 Fashion Trends I Struggle to Get Away With, Because I’m a Lesbian.” Why is there a comma in that headline? We may, never know. The author consults all these sources before, y’know, a doctor, or anyone who has an authority on infections.
Frankly, the Go Beauty article would have taken this spot on the list if it weren’t a listicle. Quoted in the Bustle article is this beautiful selection:
“Within seconds of hooking up, the girl screamed, ‘OUCH! Those nails!’” Barrie writes. “I sheepishly removed my hand from down her designer denim pants and gave her oral sex instead.”
Designer. Denim. Pants.
You can just…say jeans. This is worse than that “Let’s Humanize A Nazi” NYT article from 2016 that described someone wearing a “sleeveless jacket.” It’s a vest. It is a vest.
9. No Makeup On My Wedding Day
First of all, that gif.
Second of all, the title. You can practically hear the ice clinking in the glass of overpriced alkaline seltzer. “oh nononono, my dear. No makeup on MY wedding day.”
Okay, you think, maybe it’s just a clickbaity title. I’m sure it’s a lovely article.
Then you get to the phrase “sans maquillage.” Hon hon hon, je suis préntentieux.
It only goes downhill from there. Instead of a makeup artist, a bride hires an aesthetician.
“Foundation was swapped for masks and serums rich in oxygen, collagen, placenta, antioxidants and anti-aging properties. Facials were done daily before the rehearsal dinner and wedding.”
Nothing says “I’m not vain, I don’t wear makeup” like turning into Maris Crane before your wedding.
But it’s not that you are rooting against these fresh-faced brides! At one point, a bride’s friend keeps trying to apply makeup on her without consent. If toxic femininity is a thing, that’s it. Also, strangely, Bill De Blasio is namedropped in that bride’s introduction, in case you’re worried there isn’t a weird New York non sequitur. Of course there is.
8. Jonathan Franzen’s 10 Rules for Novelists
I only started writing seriously on the third of January this year. I’m a theatre major, I just take English classes for fun. So when this piece came out in November, I had to Google “Jonathan Franzen”. Google just said “Birds Good, Internet Bad.” Which, by and large, is the opposite of my worldview. Birds know what they did.
Lithub asked him for his 10 rules for aspiring novelists, he instead delivered 4 posters from a ninth grade creative writing classroom, 4 things cishet male MFA students mutter while picking up their coffee, and 2 sorority girl instagram captions.
Come on, “You have to love before you can be relentless”? Relentlessly what? Relentlessly terrible? Relentless in terms of bad takes? Maybe it’s an old birdwatcher’s adage we just aren’t smart enough to understand.
“It’s doubtful that anyone with an Internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction.” His. HIS??? Not even a “his or her,” let alone a “their.” Also, heaven forbid an author need to google how much blood comes out of a slit throat or anything. Not everything can come from the imagination. If I don’t stop now, I will roast every rule individually.
7. Polyamorous Sex is the Most Quietly Revolutionary Political Weapon in the United States
Oof. The latest addition to our list, and also the most personal for me. I’m a polyamorous person. One of my partners lives with their girlfriend. But my experience is completely different than the so called “Revolutionary Politics” of polyamory. The headline is strange too, specifying polyamorous sex, when that’s not what the article is about at all, it’s about polyamorous living. I don’t partake in polyamorous sex, does that make me not a revolutionary? Why does the revolution depend on who I have a crush on??
And “quietly”? QUIETLY? Anyone who knows any vaguely popular polyamorous person knows they won’t shut up about how they’re polyamorous, or how they’re oppressed because they are polyamorous. Miles Klee, writer for Mel Magazine, wrote it better than I ever could in his article “The Self Crucification of the Persecuted Polyamorist.” In that article, Klee mentions a Bushwick apartment building founded especially for polyamorists. The founder of that apartment building, Leon Feingold, is quoted in this article, described as wearing pukka shells, because of course. Further investigation shows that Feingld was also the subject of the NYMag article “What it’s like to be a Polyamorous Genius.” He sounds like a real winner, exactly the kind of guy I want representing polyamorous people everywhere.
6. The Influencer Who Loves Matcha CBD Lattes and Tattoos
I love The Cut. I said before that their Lena Dunham profile was one of my top articles of the year, I love their trend pieces, and they gave us “Bill Hader is Totally Kind of Hot.” But this…this is a lovely profile of someone who is such a parody of 2018, it’s hard to believe. All your favorite pretentious twenty something phrases are here:
“Their slogan is ‘Good things come to those who hustle’ — when I first saw that, I was like, Wow, that is so me.”
“ I’m barely home; I’m always at JFK. I’m vegan and straight edge. Getting tattoos is how I relax. It’s my therapy.”
“Everybody responds so well to the ex jokes I make on Instagram about it — like, “Oh my God, this is worse than my ex,” or whatever. I feel like it makes my audience think, He’s really authentic.”
It’s really about quality over quantity with this one, because every sentence is somehow less self aware than the previous.
5. A Glimpse Into the Ideological Monoculture of Literary New York
As a women’s college student, I praise every day I don’t have to deal with entitled cishet male authors who think they are going to write the Great American Novel. And then I remember that I graduate in May and will have to compete against them in the job market. If that’s the nightmare, then this article is my dark omen.
Do you remember the article about the man who wanted to start a restaurant but then failed because he was bad at it, but blamed the area? That’s this guy, but instead of a restaurant it’s a novel, and instead of the area it’s our Politically Correct Society.
Oh and you can’t forget this bit:
A day after taking inspiration from a 2015 episode of Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown about Budapest, I tendered my resignation and bought a one-way ticket for Hungary, figuring that this would be a good place to be an author.
Can you imagine? He then goes on to talk about “playing contrarian” at a party.
When I cut to the chase and asked why no one at the table seemed to feel aggrieved for women suffering under Islamic oppression, voices were raised and, well, I may or may not have been asked to leave.
UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
Someone on Earth has to be the Worst, and this guy is a major contender for me. He should meet Influencer Guy for a $15 CBD Matcha Latte.
4. I am Tired of Being a Jewish Man’s Rebellion
Possibly the straw that broke the Twitter’s back when it comes to Bad Op Eds. Harkening back to the days of xojane and “I’m so pretty it’s the worst :( feel bad for me” articles, this tells the story of a Nice WASPy Christian woman who keeps dating Jewish men who leave her for Jewish women. I wonder why that would be? Maybe because she paints with a brush as wide as a religion and jokes about a cocktail called “Jewish Man’s Rebellion,” garnished with a piece of bacon.
Also she says “I couldn’t help but wonder,” a phrase that should be banned from textual media for at least another 50 years.
Honestly? This one speaks for itself.
3. 12 Young People On Why They Probably Won’t Vote
This toes the line re: the “no listicles” rule, but there are no numbers so I’m counting it. What it lacks in narrative it makes up for in sheer frustration at the Youths. I was 20 when this came out, so I’m younger than every single one of these people. From the woman in NEW YORK CITY who can’t be bothered to go to the post office, to the guy who says that information is too complicated and should be put in an insta story or a snapchat filter, I too am waving my cane in the air and yelling about Kids These Days.
But the one who really gets at me is Aaron, the 26 year old in Atlanta who doesn’t want to vote in the midterms because “Nobody exciting is running,” and he quotes Bernie, Cynthia, and Alexandria as examples.
REALLY AARON?
YOU LIVE IN ATLANTA.
NOBODY EXCITING IS RUNNING?
Oh, it’s fine, it’s not like it was one of the most controversial elections since 2000. It’s not like Stacey Abrams ran possibly the mot exciting campaign in Georgia history, fine, whatever, don’t vote.
A note though: there is someone who says they can’t vote because of chronic illness, you are valid and I love you, please arrange for help next election if you can.
Boy, I hope these people learned their lesson.
2. A Week In New York City On $25/Hour And $1k Monthly Allowance
I spent all spring this year looking for an internship in New York for the summer. I even applied for that dang unpaid Harper’s internship, and that application came in 15 parts and had to be mailed. I didn’t get a single interview, I spent my summer home in South Carolina, not exactly the cultural hotspot an up and coming writer and theatre lover needs.
Then, Refinery29 releases this lil beauty, rubbing Himalayan pink salt in my wound. Behold, a 21 year old intern who is not only living in New York but THRIVING, getting fun meals with her friends, not doing much at work besides searching for podcasts on “living your best life.” On top of all that, she gets $1k in allowance per month, and doesn’t pay rent. Could you imagine? I could. And do. Often.
Besides all this, there’s still a holier-than-thou attitude laced throughout. She eats someone else’s yogurt and then immediately throws it up, calling it “Toxic shit.” She discloses her monthly allowance with a “#blessed.” She makes avocado toast and at one point just eats half an avocado with a spoon. And of course, she’s into essential oils.
Refinery29 first marketed this article as the diary of someone “on an intern’s salary,” which naturally stirred up some hate on Twitter, but it also started conversations about privilege so…it’s something?
Long story short, please consider me for your media internship I promise not to shop for podcasts during the workday.
1. You May Have Worn The Prom Dress With Him, But I Get To Wear The Wedding Dress
I mean, it had to be, right?
Okay, this one is a slight to the platform. I am a passionate anti-The Odyssey activist. The Odyssey uses college students’ labor for clicks and engagement, paying them pennies. It’s full of over-sentimental and under-edited open letters to boyfriends, enemies, political groups, and, most famously, fiancés’ ex-girlfriends. Victoria Higgins writes about how she hates that her man’s high school girlfriend got to go to school dances and football games with him, but she ultimately wins because she gets to marry him.
It reads like a manifesto of a stalker who kidnapped her victim: “You thought you could have him, but you can’t! You can’t! He’s mine now! You’ll never see him again muaahahahaha!” I should feel bad criticizing a college student’s work like this, but if she’s adult enough to get married, she should be old enough to take criticism.
Edit: in fact, I do feel bad criticizing a college student’s work like this. I write a lot of stuff, stuff that the internet would chew to pieces if they got a hold of it. What that is is not criticism, it’s personal attacks, and I know Victoria has had WAY more than her fair share of that. To have one of my things blow up like that would be way more than I could handle, so I’m really proud of Victoria for being my age and dealing with the worst flak the internet can take. Is it a hateread? Maybe, but it’s not anything that merits personal attacks, neither is anything else on this list. Keep this in context, I mean, she didn’t even choose the title. In the future, I think I’ll change the definition of “hateread” to include a requirement of an established publisher: it’s one thing laughing at an NYT article, another thing laughing at a The Odyssey article.
Honorable Mentions
The Outline produced some marvelous work this year, I couldn’t categorize their stuff as “hateread” because it was more of a “oh no this is making me reconsider and I don’t like it” thing, especially with pieces like “The Skincare Con” which made us all clutch our The Ordinary bottles in horror, or “The Nanette Problem” which called me out for loving the wokeness of Hannah Gadsby’s Netflix special. I have my own mixed opinions on Nanette, but it made me think about why I liked it and how it could be improved.
