Our Advice to Third Party Candidates

Here at the Good Show we know what it’s like to be members of a third party. As the red-headed step child to Yale’s sketch and improv communities, the Good Show has mastered existing tactfully outside the accepted norm.

Not all outsiders can find success like ours, though; a fact proven time and time again by third party candidates Gary Johnson and Jill Stein. Poor Gary Johnson was exposed as unfamiliar with Aleppo, Syria and also every foreign leader. When Jill Stein tried to snipe him for it on Twitter, she also failed to demonstrate knowledge of any current heads of state. (IT’S TWITTER, JILL. YOU WERE ALLOWED TO USE GOOGLE FOR THIS ONE. OR PHONE A FRIEND. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSES.)

#UhohMoment

To help out our fellow outcasts in need, we here at the Good Show compiled a list of tips and tricks for getting the inside job done from the outside.

  1. Play less Hardball and more softball!
Less Chris, more Gertrude!

Come on, guys! You know you’re not up for Hardball! Look at Chris Matthews’s haunting sneer! You’ll just embarrass yourselves. Instead, get a group of friends and go to the local middle school’s baseball diamond for a friendly game of pickup softball. You’ll be amazed at how light exercise and vitamin D energize friendships old and new.

2. Follow Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Instagram

Mmmm he’s like a yummy, political Clive Owen who speaks French and supports liberal policies. Not only do you get to see him werk white button downs and create a better future for the children of the great nation of Canadia, but he’ll be at the front of your mind if you ever get to retake the “Name literally any foreign leader…like just a single one” test!

3. See if you can spot the error in the last suggestion!

^ He knows!

Think you found it? C’mon! It’s called “Canada” not “Canadia,” silly moose! Better luck next time.

4. Subscribe to the Chicago Tribune

Let’s not gloss over the fact that Abe Lincoln is currently staring you down.

The Chicago Tribune has long been a joke — ask any Chicagoan — but sometimes it’s nice to have funny friends who support you! Even though no one else likes or respects their opinions, the Chicago Tribune will go out on its feeble paper limbs to say “Hey, Gary. This election is hard, but we’ll take principled over qualified any day and you’re our man. ❤”

5. Deny deny deny!

WRONG! HAHA! WRONG! HAHAHAHA. I’M A GUY SO I CAN DO THIS! I NEVER SAID THAT!

Apparently an alarming proportion of Americans these days don’t care about the truth, facts, or the Constitution, so it’s kind of an easy breezy time to be running for president. If anyone brings up your Aleppo moments, just deny they ever happened and hope for the best!

6. Make your peace

Drawing by Gary Johnson

Worst case scenario (for you, not the country lol), you lose. But hey, that’s not so bad! Not everyone’s cut out to be president. In fact, almost no one is cut out to be president! Also let’s remember to keep this in perspective: the earth is going to be swallowed by the sun in a billion years anyways! We’re all going to die! There’s no sense in trying to do anything to prevent either of these things. Just cast your vote for yourselves in November and then wait for the world to end!