Losing it all
Matthew Maher was born in 1984 in Cape May Court House on the southern tip of New Jersey near the ocean, one of four boys to a loving Christian family. Like his brothers, he excelled in athletics, realizing early on that soccer was his sport. He enjoyed much success and was awarded a scholarship to play at Temple University. Shortly after graduating in 2007, he went to North Carolina to visit his brother Anthony, who was playing professional soccer there, and was able to practice and hang out with the team. He was soon given his own contract to play on that same team alongside his brother — his dream not only realized but magnified with family. His first start as a professional was against Mexican powerhouse Cruz Azul.
Maher describes how surreal it felt to be on the same field playing against one of his childhood heroes and hearing the crowd cheering for him.
In March 2009, he took a routine turn on the turf during a game and tore the meniscus in his knee, which is hard to recover from and play again at a professional level. He traveled with the team in May 2009 to Baltimore on the injured reserve list and remembers being in a mental haze, thinking of his looming surgery in the coming week to repair his knee. Maher decided to go out for the night without a plan to distract himself. He went into a bar where the bartender knew his brother, gave his condolences for his knee injury, and set up a line of shots on the house for the group he was with.
Without telling the group about the free drinks, he took at least five of the shots himself. The next thing he remembers were the lights coming on and the bar closing. On a whim, he and a friend decided to drive to Atlantic City about twenty miles away. He remembers driving much too fast, 85–90 mph, and changing lanes with a quick look over his shoulder. A jolting impact with another vehicle sent his SUV spinning and rolling before finally coming to a stop.
He recalls being cuffed and receiving multiple breathalyzer tests, which all confirmed his inebriated state. While in the holding cell, Maher remembers a muffled voice over dispatch that he craned his neck to hear through the bars of his cell, listening to the words that he will never forget.
“Driver in the black Escalade is in custody.”
A long, painful pause followed as he remembers trying with every ounce of his being to understand the words coming through the muffled speaker.
“Driver in the Town and Country is deceased.”
Those words hit Maher like a brick wall, followed by denial of what they meant, followed by the pain they brought onto everyone in his and his victim’s lives — all the lives that would never be the same again.
The court day was emotional to say the least, but one of the most beautiful recollections of the deceased Hort Kap was his daughter’s testimony. She spoke of her dad’s legacy — that he was an immigrant, father of six, and a hard worker. The joy that she remembered him with was felt throughout the room. Then his son, Noon, got up to share a gut-wrenching recollection of the moment he found out about his father’s death.
“Do you have any idea how I found out about my daddy dying?” Noon choked out as he pointed at Maher. He proceeded to take the courtroom through the horrid night in detail, ending his emotional journey by locking eyes with Maher and whispering, “And you destroyed my world.”
With a pause that felt like an eternity as eyes were being wiped and sniffles were heard through the room, Noon’s final words came unexpectedly.
“But I forgive you, my brother.”
Noon came over, and they embraced like brothers as Maher cried, “I’m so sorry,” in his ear.
“January 7, 2010,” Maher remembered. “The exact day I was sentenced to five and a half years in prison was the day I was set free.”
The gratitude Maher felt at that moment, along with the undeserved forgiveness he was given, was what changed him inside. After realizing the gravity of a decision that resulted in someone else’s death, grasping the ripple effect upon so many people was overwhelming.
He can’t fully describe or put into words the extent of the humiliation, shame, and embarrassment he felt. But in that one moment, it was all changed. Before the incident, he put his identity in the world and believed in his job security and his talent. All that had been stripped away, and he was so grateful to feel the forgiveness of his victim’s son and the forgiveness of God. Alongside the support of family around him, he felt the goodness of God and overwhelming gratitude for all he had.
Three years and three months earlier, his family had buried his oldest brother John at the age of twenty-eight. It was right before Christmas, and the year was a celebration of firsts. It was John’s four-month-old daughter’s first Christmas, John’s first as a father, and his parents and brothers’ firsts as grandparents and uncles. While the time was emotional and trying for the whole family, Maher clearly remembers their spiritual maturity and their sense of gratitude, holding on to their faith that God is good. “That was the first time gratitude would become this foundation for my faith, and the second time was when the victim’s son forgave me.”
Maher was sentenced to serve five and a half years for aggravated manslaughter while driving under the influence. Most people would look at this situation and not see any good, but he saw the opposite — that God was sovereign, and He knew the exact decision Maher would make that would bring him to this precise place. Stripped of all he had held in his mind as his identity, fully humbled and now without any of his former self, Maher entered prison.
“I was so grateful to be forgiven and that my God is good, and that drove me the entire duration. I can honestly say that those fifty-five months felt like fifty-five days.” He saw all around him the resentment and bitterness of the other inmates, living out the consequences for their own bad decisions. Maher, however, chose to see things through a different lens.
“God was giving me these case studies all around me, saying, ‘Don’t be shortsighted. Don’t be blind. Be grateful. I have a plan.’” When looking back on the thoughts he had during that time, he wrote, “They are saturated in gratefulness.”
He cites 1 Thessalonians 5:16 from the NIV that he constantly repeated: “Rejoice always, pray continuously, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
While he was in prison, Maher and his brothers founded a publishing company called 5511 Publishing based on Isaiah 55:11, “So is my word that goes from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” 5511 Publishing released Maher’s first book, written while he was incarcerated.
Today, Matthew has shared his story to hundreds of thousands by speaking at events, churches, and schools. He continually tells his story of forgiveness, faith, and redemption. Upon his release from prison, he immediately resumed what he started while incarcerated — “Decisions Determine Destiny” assemblies. Through this program, he has reached over forty thousand high school and college students each year. Maher is also a pastor on staff at Coastal Christian Ocean City.
Maher’s story of being broken down to the bare bones and having his identity stripped away so suddenly is unimaginable. Few people would think of gratitude during this type of trial, but gratitude is exactly what Maher focused on as he lived through his incarceration and what turned a seemingly horrific, humiliating, life-tainting situation into a beautiful story of redemption.
While many of us won’t endure such trials, we are guaranteed struggles and grief in our lifetime. If we can hold on to gratitude and remember how powerful it is to lift someone from down so low back into a full and prospering life, we too can take advantage of its power. Matthew just celebrated his daughter’s first birthday and is living his most prosperous life now, fully grateful every day.
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In this article series, I share excerpts and stories from my book, Flourish: 7 Ways Gratitude Can Transform Your Life. I hope you enjoyed this post. If you enjoyed it and want to connect, you can reach me via email thegratitudemission@gmail.com, my website, or connect with me on Facebook or LinkedIn. Also, you can also find my book on Amazon here.
