Cold.

The cold leaves our nose more wet than a uterus when a water breaks but less wet than the mattress on which Donald trump had his “golden shower”.

“Common cold is not that bad, it will pass”, really ? IT’S NOT THAT BAD? Even Carl Sagan's “ascend” began from cold. Those mucus riddled inkblots you make on the tissues, they don’t remind you of your fragility ? A wet tissue is nothing to be proud of. Period.

It takes amazon three days to ship those bluetooth headphones (as the new iPhone does not have the jack and you still need to charge and listen to that new ‘Divide’ album), but it takes two days to catch cold from that random dude you rubbed your shoulder against on that bus last week. The only good part about this is that there is no prime membership to get early access to cold, assuming your immune system isn’t down due to AIDS or another immunity disorder.

That’s not even the worst part, the worst part is the one love of your life no longer treats you the same way likes she used to, she no longer teases your tongue with her seductive warmth and soft gentle flavors that soothes your entire body. I am talking about food (its a she, deal with it)…no one is kissing you when you have a cold you pervert.

The mouthwatering food no longer tastes good, yes the Soft pie with whipped cream, cranberry marination and caramel poured all over it tastes like monkey feces dipped in face cream. The warm soup tastes like well, in this case a warm soup, turns out that boring food is as immune to bad taste buds as Michael bay to a good script.

Now a cold has five stages:

Stage 1: The Fatigue 
You feel tired all the time when asked to do something, but with cold you are too tired to swipe right on tinder too, now that’s an issue. If something comes between a man and his desire to be rejected on yet another platform its our moral obligation to treat it via medication.

Stage 2: Feeling Chilled
No, I am not talking about the chill from that Linkin Park song you got in the second last bench of eight grade, I am talking about how you feel the temperature is lower than your mom’s heart when you tell her you flunked in mathematics. At this stage your warm privileged ass in an urban city will not help you beat the system. Your Air-Conditioners and heaters are all useless when your body cant decide if want it 30 degrees in Celsius or Fahrenheit.

Stage 3: Sneezing
Now after all the chills down your body, your lungs would wanna mimic the same noise that killed Kennedy, and if its three times in a row congrats it can kill a Gandhi (gunshot noises). Just carry a tissue or handkerchief, no-one wants to see a slimy patronus shooting from your mouth.

Stage 4: Headache
This headache is different than the one you give your mother or wife when you point out that there is not enough cheese in pasta, this one is real. This one makes the new episode of Stranger Things seem boring.

Stage 5: Runny nose and Cough
Not that sneezing was not gross enough, our body has more appetizing to look at leaking mechanisms. Now our nose looks like the butt of an orangutan ambushed in a prison when he drops a soap. It’s a faucet on diarrhea which wont close up.

No, we cant do anything about it. Its fun to have as a kid and be pampered by our moms, its annoying as a teen when friends at school and social life is more important, its heartbreaking as an adult when you drag your ass through the dunes of used tissues to cook yourself a meal.

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