Batman V Superman may be utter shite, but these reviews of it are fantastic
Entertainment journalists have outdone themselves—here are some of the best reviews I’ve come across.
I might be a Marvel fan at heart but I give all superheroes a chance equally. Unfortunately, things are not looking good for this DC franchise. I haven’t seen it yet (and might be convinced to do it only with copious amounts of alcohol involved in the viewing), but I’ve already discovered the best part about Batman V Superman: These critics’ reviews are killing it!
I’ve collected a few, including some highlight quotes from the articles. Part of me wishes I’d gone into entertainment journalism after all. Enjoy!
Batman V Superman Is V Bad (Rob Harvilla, The Concourse):
“ Let it be known that Ben Affleck as Batman is the least-worst thing about this movie, if only due to his fearsome chin, which he juts fearsomely at the sky at various junctures to convey his unhappiness with Superman…”
“[…]the most suspenseful part of the first half of this movie was when I was trying to open my giant bag of Reese’s Pieces without detection.”
“Yo, this movie makes no sense.”
Review: ‘Batman v Superman,’ Dawn of a Franchise (A. O. Scott, New York Times) — I read this one in its entirety out loud to my wife; the flow of the writing is wonderful!
“The studio has, in the usual way, begged and bullied critics not to reveal plot points, and I wouldn’t dream of denying you the thrill of discovering just how overstuffed and preposterous a movie narrative can be.”
“There are murky shadows and muddy nightscapes, all redolent not just of ordinary danger but of metaphysical darkness. There is Mr. Affleck’s existential brooding and the stoic dimple on Mr. Cavill’s chin.”
“The corporations that produce movies like this one, and the ambitious hacks who sign up to make them, have no evident motive beyond their own aggrandizement.”
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is the most incoherent blockbuster in years — review (Robbie Collin, The Telegraph)
“The first hour in particular is so haphazardly assembled, I honestly wondered if a reel had gone missing from the projection booth.”
“Giving Affleck’s Batman the physique of a concrete pillar makes aesthetic sense, but did he need the personality of one too?”
“But if Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer’s script hobbles Eisenberg, it judo-sweeps the feet out from under every woman in sight. Both Adams’ Lois Lane and Diane Lane’s Martha Kent are serial victims, Holly Hunter’s potentially sparky role as a senator prepared to stand up to Luthor never coheres, and until the big finish, Gadot isn’t called on to do much but slink. It’s a Men’s Rights loon’s dream of meathead orthodoxy, and leaves you wondering if Mad Max: Fury Road and Star Wars: The Force Awakens actually happened.”
Batman v Superman review: a very expensive reaction video for Man of Steel — And a teaser trailer for the next Justice League film (Tasha Robinson, The Verge)
“Batman v Superman addresses Man Of Steel’s problems in words without learning anything from it in tone. Instead, the new film doubles down on the grimness, the ugliness, and the indifference to human life.”
“But the most satisfying part of the film is the one that expresses all the things it isn’t, and should have been. When Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), finally turns up, abruptly and without backstory, she becomes the film’s highlight simply by being less miserable and morally compromised than anyone else onscreen.”
Batman v Superman review: this movie is a crime against comic book fans (Alex Abad-Santos, Vox)
“The darkest moment of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is a montage of Bruce Wayne, played by an emotive rectangle of muscle and tendons known as Ben Affleck, prepping for his Superman fight by doing CrossFit. […] I don’t completely understand how performing these exercises was supposed to help him defeat a bulletproof deity who can melt faces. But then again, I’m not really familiar with the latest in CrossFit trends.”
“Of course, the open secret is that no one should have to care about the themes in Batman v Superman because its fight scenes should be good enough to make us forget their deeper meaning. Getting hung up on themes in a movie like Batman v Superman is like going to a steakhouse and getting miffed with the asparagus. You only start to notice the little things if the stuff you’re there for isn’t up to par.”
“The greatest mystery surrounding Batman v Superman is the question of how Snyder managed to fold such a wondrous Wonder Woman into such a not-great film.”
Review: ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice’ Is A Beautiful Disaster (Scott Mendelson, Forbes)
“The best moments of Dawn of Justice resemble nothing less than a feature length adaptation of a series of Alex Ross paintings in all their naturalistic glory. But amid the visual treats is an utter mess of thinly sketched characters, haphazard plotting, surprisingly jumbled action, and “cut your nose to spite your face” world building.”
“Poor Henry Cavill is stranded without a life raft, being made to mope regularly and mourn as the world somewhat turns against him.”
‘Batman v Superman’ Review: Titans Clash (Eventually, After Like Two Hours) (Matt Singer, Screencrush)
“But this kind of investigation into the nature of heroism requires shades of gray, while Snyder only traffics in absolutes, with characters making ham-fisted speeches about ignorance and innocence and then showcasing their absolute awesomeness in big, showy, and sometimes shockingly brutal action sequences.”
“There’s probably a really interesting movie about the ideological divide between Batman and Superman, but on the basis of Dawn of Justice, I’m not sure Zack Snyder was the man to make it. The questions he asks are too straightforward and the resolution he arrives at after all that talk and too few setpieces is way too simple.”
‘Batman v. Superman’ Is a Gorgeous Mess (David Chen, Slashfilm)
“The plot is less a plot, and more a sequence of events that happens to take place in consecutive order. Things happen, people do things, sometimes their action make sense — other times, they are totally baffling.”
Batman v Superman Asks Some Provocative Questions, but Forgets to Answer Them (Richard Lawson, Vanity Fair)
“There is, nominally, a plot…”
“Amy Adams, one of our most talented American movie stars, does her noble best with a role that, at one point, forces her to say ‘I’m not a lady, I’m a journalist’”
BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE (Matt Zoller Seitz, RogerEbert.com)
“‘Batman vs. Superman’ is a disorganized, lead-footed movie that carries itself with unearned confidence; you see every card it’s about to play ten minutes before the movie plays it, yet Snyder doesn’t just slap each one down on the table with gusto, he keeps pointing to it and telling you what rank and suit it is.”
“‘Batman v Superman’ tries to compensate for these flaws and others through sheer scale and volume. It’s two-and-a-half hours long, louder than an airstrip at O’Hare, gins up “excitement” with shaky-cam footage and hyperactive cutting, and has both figuratively and literally dark images.”
“At times it might make you long for Christopher Nolan’s delicate touch. Those last four words have never appeared side-by-side before. Life’s funny that way.”
There are probably tons of great reviews out there. Feel free to add them!
Some of the user reviews on Rotten Tomatoes are ace too. Read them as well.