#RelationshipGoals? How to Turn Your Relationship Into a Partnership!

My wife and I have been together for 10 (shit, almost 11!) years. We’ve weathered a lot together—from deaths in the family to mental health issues to financially dire times. We’ve never broken up or “taken a break”. We support each other, we take care of each other, we rarely fight.

Most people who know us want some form of what we have: A functioning, loving, supportive relationship. A partnership. There are many ways to make a relationship work. Ours is definitely not the only one that works well. But it’s the only working relationship I know well enough to draw advice from.

I think one problem is that the things that mainstream media suggests we need for a good relationship —romance, big gestures, drama—aren’t the things we need AT ALL. So, if the whole rom com crap hasn’t worked out for you so far, maybe give these things a shot:

Communicate All The Things, All The Time

It may sound like a no-brainer, but this is probably our biggest “relationship secret” ever: We talk. All the time.

My wife recently said:

“Next time someone comments on how controlling they think it is that we’re always chatting online, I’ll just tell them that that’s why our relationship works.”

We have a Slack community for just the two of us, with different channels for different things. One is for sending links we think the other would like, as well as music or ebook files or “could you please have a look at this thing that I’d like a second opinion on” items.

Our main channel is for general chatter. It can be mundane things like: “I just made it to the bus. Bring your gloves, it’s cold out!” Sometimes we rant. Sometimes it’s lovey-dovey crap. Other times it’s a quick heads-up about where we are at: Surprisingly, a simple “OMWH” message goes a long way. As does the addendum “Fair warning, I’ll need a little me time when I get home.”

To others this may seem like overkill, but we’ve found that it helps us stay in sync when we don’t see each other all day. We know how the other one’s day is going, how she’s feeling, what to expect when we see each other again. Knowing your partner has had a bad day and is likely going to be cranky when they get home can make the difference between an acceptable evening and a terrible evening.

Of course, there’s plenty of stuff we are still trying to improve. We still misunderstand each other plenty, but we try to learn from those moments and are putting systems in place to avoid repeating communication mistakes.

It Really Is the Little Things

We have never observed Valentine’s Day or celebrated our anniversary. In fact, it would amaze you how very much we suck at doing that. We just don’t give enough of a shit, I guess.

But we have our little rituals:

• A thank you and a kiss for cooking dinner.
• “Thank you for doing the laundry, I wouldn’t have any clothes left to wear otherwise.”
• “Thanks for cleaning the flat, you know how much I hate doing that.”

It’s the little things and rituals that show we appreciate each other. The fact that we have been sticking to these rituals for 10 years doesn’t make them any less meaningful.

Sometimes I’ll come by a flower shop and randomly remember that, even though I detest them, my wife likes flowers, so I’ll bring her a bunch. I’m more likely to bring her her favourite chocolate bar from the grocery store though. She fluffs up my pillow in the evening. I’d never bother doing that for myself, but I appreciate that fluffy pillow a lot.

Don’t Go to Bed without Resolving Things

“Don’t go to bed angry,” is the classic relationship advice. A version of it has worked out well for us. In 10 years we, maybe, went to bed twice or three times without resolving our issues—but simply because we were too tired to continue the discussion.

Speaking of discussions: We’ve learned that we process things differently. I explode with anger, but move on quickly. My wife, on the other hand, likes to retreat and mull things over. She’s learned that my outbursts are not targeting her, and I’ve learned that I just need to give her time to mull things over and not be hurt by her retreat. Ah, well. It’s an ongoing process. :)

But in all those years, we’ve always been able to fix things pretty quickly and communicate effectively. Neither of us has ever slept on the couch—unless you count that my wife tends to fall asleep there, and then I have to somehow move her inert and babbling form to the bedroom. ;)

You Better Not Be in Love with Your Partner’s Potential

The most important advice I’ve ever heard for romantic partnerships (but I guess it also counts for friendships and all other relationships) is that you need to figure out whether you are in love with your partner or with their potential.

If my wife loved the me I could be without my ADHD she’d be in very bad luck, because there simply is no me without my ADHD. It’s neither a reality nor a realistic option. Not in this life.

Don’t love your partner for the parent they could be.
Don’t love them for the successful career they could have.
Don’t love them, thinking they could just be a little cooler.

Believe me, I’ve been there; In pretty much every other romantic relationship I have had in my life. But it’s stupid, really. You’ll just keep trying to change them, and you can’t change anyone but yourself.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t expect your partner to be the best person they can be. Support them, encourage them—just make sure you’re helping them work towards something they (and not you) want.

Go Ahead and Bicker to Your Heart’s Content

Recently, we had a very good friend of ours and her kid over for lunch. We were all in the kitchen while I was prepping food when I picked up a roasting pan and burned my hand pretty badly.

See, I’d thought the stove — and thus the pan — was cold. Meanwhile, my wife had forgotten to turn off that part of the stove top when making breakfast earlier that day. It’s something she has consistently forgotten in recent weeks.

I won’t lie, the burn hurt like a motherfucker and I was cursing up a storm while I kept my hand under the stinging cold water. Good thing the kiddo isn’t entirely aware of swearwords in English yet. ;) My wife immediately apologised and went to get the lavender oil and some hydrogel plasters, but I just couldn’t help being mad at her.

She finished prepping lunch and I hovered next to her, backseat-driving. I was pissed at her. She was feeling bad. So, unsurprisingly, we started bickering.

Suddenly, from the living room, our friend’s pleading voice drifted into the kitchen:

“Don’t fight. Be nice to each other.”

We looked at each other, confused. Neither of us had even raised her voice. This wasn’t fighting. It wasn’t even an argument or disagreement. We simply were annoyed with each other and ourselves and lashed out a little.

We sometimes forget that our friend is a child of divorce. Because of her history every slight annoyance between two partners comes across as a budding fight. However, we found that bickering is a perfect way to clear the air when we’re annoyed with each other.

When we say we don’t really fight with each other, people often assume we must be avoiding fights. In fact, when I was younger I would have assumed the same thing. Back then I still believed what my mother had instilled in me: That fighting is healthy and shouldn’t be avoided or it would turn into seething. I began to equal fighting with a good relationship.

The thing is, that viewpoint assumes that fighting is necessary in the first place. Which it totally isn’t if you communicate well and respect each other. (That, and my mother is terrible at relationships, so I should never have listened to her in the first place.)

Laugh All The Time

I can’t even stress how important it is to laugh together. Laugh about the funny things, the silly things, the sad things, the important things and the unimportant things. Laugh at the end of a fight, laugh all the way through the crappy times.

Granted, this is something that works for me, because I’m simply the type to cope by using humour. When my father died it was my dark sense of humour that got me through most of it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But, even if you can’t bring yourself to laugh in the face of tragedy, make sure you laugh at everything else. Because, if you can’t laugh with the person you love, then who can you laugh with?

Of course, we also got lucky in that we evolved in parallels in the past ten years, instead of drifting apart—and it takes a lot of luck for that when you meet when you’re 21 years old and then do all your growing up together.

So, even if we will continue to blissfully ignore it: Happy Valentine’s Day from us to you! Ignore what the media tells you to do, ditch the expectations, and just enjoy yourselves.