The Rise of Lonely Single Men Is A Problem, But Romance Is Not The Solution

Let’s face it: marriage is not as widely adored as it was. It’s predicted that by 2030, one in four people will have never married by the age of 50. Recent research has shown that single women are happier than married women, while for men, the opposite is true. This flies in the face of conventional wisdom, as it’s believed that women seek a storybook romance with their “knight in shining armor,” while men just like to “play the field.”

It makes sense. In hetero marriages, even in 2023, women tend to do the bulk of the domestic labor, such as cooking, cleaning, and (if kids are involved) childcare, which takes a great deal of emotional labor. Singles, whatever the gender, do everything on their own, and many men, when they marry, stop doing those things, which, well, makes it easier for them.

Women are a lot better reaching out and forming friendships than men are, because society encourages them to do so. By contrast, it’s not considered “manly” to be vulnerable or to reach out for help or friendship. So men suffer in silence. Many married/coupled men depend on their partner not only for the domestic elements, but as their social network, which is why women are usually the first to initiate breakups or divorces. Because the truth is: they don’t need a man. They can get their social needs met elsewhere, which is why they’re not getting married as much, and why the marriage rate is declining.

One thing the research fails to address, though, is the common sense proposition that if women aren’t getting married as much, of course, men aren’t, either. So what’s going with them? A recent article by psychologist Greg Matos attempted to address the “loneliness epidemic” by stating that men just need to improve their dating skills, and all will be right with the world.

It seems like it would make sense, right? Men have been shown to be happier and healtheir while in relationships or married. However, there are two major problems with his argument:

1) Matos is a psychologist, so it would seem he’s credible. But he’s also incredibly biased. He’s a couples and family therapist; of course he’s going to promote marriage! It’s his bread and butter! If people stopped dating, his practice (and field) would crumble and die!

2) The concept of amatonormativity was coined by philosopher Elizabeth Brake; it refers to the assumption that everyone needs to couple up, which is simply not true. If society placed platonic and familial ties, as well as hobbies and passions, on the same plane as romantic relationshiop, young men wouldn’t be quite as lonely. They would thrive in friendships in the same way that women do.

Speaking for myself as a single man, I tend to thrive when I’m single as opposed to when I’m dating or in a relationship. I have a rewarding career, great friends, a variety of hobbies, and the love of an adorable domestic longhair cat named Chester. While I’m not opposed to dating or relationships, the lack of one does not define me. Sadly, I’m in the minority of males, but tw things that need to be normalized if young men are ever going to overcome this loneliness epidemic are: 1) singlehood; and 2) male-female platonic friendships.

Most of us need social connections to thrive; if we can normalize the things men have been taught to fear as “emasculating,” everybody will be better off. Men will be happier, and so will women. One positive effect could be healthier ways of dating, but it doesn’t have to be. It will take time, but we can fake it until we make it!