Connecting to your authentic self can be hard. Here are five tips to help you remove your mask:

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the masks that we wear; about how we hide ourselves. When we suppress our personality, when we hide ourselves so that we will be more socially accepted, we “mask” who we are. We present a carefully cultivated image to the world — to our families, our social circles, and our professional lives. There are many reasons for wearing the mask that you create for the world — and it seems that most people mask so they can avoid harassment and gain acceptance. When we hide ourselves, we start to block off our feelings too. That constant hiding of who we are suppresses our connection to the core of who we are, and that begins to foster feelings of loneliness, depression, and anger — among other feelings. We all want to be seen for who we truly are.

I hid myself for years, working in a job that wasn’t fulfilling and trying to build relationships with clients and colleagues because there was a work-place culture that through gaslighting, convinced me this was normal. That workplace culture said that my life was going to be hard and uncomfortable, but that it would pay off one day if I just had enough grit to stick it out. I felt like I lived in a tiny, fear-filled box. I mean, I was so brutally uncomfortable and struggling and miserable that I felt like I had to be on the right path BECAUSE the company even told me life would be hard and I would be miserable and that if I was miserable enough I would have a great reward. So, I kept tucking down my authentic self; boxing it up and waiting for the day that all of my pain and struggle would be worth it. There is a huge difference between being uncomfortable for the purpose of growth and being miserable.

Fundamentally, we are hidden because we do not believe that we — all of us, that authentic self — is enough. So, we tuck that self away and we give people a different, more tolerable self. I remember my first professional job as a bookkeeper. The CPA that I worked for didn’t want any visible tattoos (I have three) and he hated facial piercings (I have one) so I had to cover my tattoos and I had to wear a spacer at work. When I left that work place and entered into my own — as a boss and leader — for a time I continued hiding my tattoos and my facial piercing because I didn’t want to offend anyone. So, the message that I was telling myself was that the things that had been a part of my body for over a decade were innately offensive to other people; and by association I was innately offensive to other people. The way that we talk to that core of us, so desperately trying to be seen, is often harsh or critical. How do you talk to yourself? That self-talk is either how we continue suppressing our core identity OR it is how we feed and support that core identity. I stopped hiding my tattoos — one of which is a mustache tattooed on my finger (very 2012, I know) — and my facial piercing. My clients LOVED the tattoo and no one ever said anything about the facial piercing.

That core of us is the truth of who we are; and when we live that true, and we are authentic to ourselves, we are filled with joy. The core of who I am is that I am a learner — a forever student — who seeks to discover new information and new stories and new people. I am an artist, a Louis Armstrong lover and Frank Sinatra dueter, a writer — and I want to show people the way that I see the world because that brings me joy. I am a healer and I hold space for people so that they feel heard and sit in a space of non-judgement. That’s who I am. However, when we spend years pushing down that core, it can be so hard to reconnect with it because we constantly have to filter through what is us and what isn’t.

How can you connect to the core of who you are and start taking off the mask? You have to really lean in to your authentic self — and that’s scary! Here are five steps to help you start taking off that mask and showing your true and beautiful self:

1. Discover your values. Write them down so that you can see them and you don’t forget them. The more that you see them, the easier it will be for you to remember what they are — and when you remember what they are you want to protect them and reinforce them. One of the best exercises that I ever did to discover my core self was to do a value exercise. I wrote down ten values that were important to me. There are HUNDREDS of values, so take some time and really think about the ten that are most important to you. For me, my ten top values were: creativity, tolerance, kindness, perseverance, compassion, adventure, justice, courage, learning, and love. Then, pick your top five. My top five were: creativity, justice, courage, love, and adventure. Then pick your top three: justice, creativity, and adventure. That doesn’t mean that the other seven don’t matter. That means that the core of who I am is a justice-oriented creative who seeks adventure. Those top three are what I wrote down on a sticky note and put on my computer screen. They are what I write in my journal regularly. They are a way for me to remember that this is the truth of who I am and no one can take that away from me. No one can tell me “that’s not you.”
2. Don’t let anyone tell you what your truth is. Your truth is whispered to you in that little outraged voice any time you do something you don’t want to do or you don’t agree with. The core of who you are is hidden underneath ego, which seeks to please everyone and fit in with the world around you. We can’t let anyone tell us what our truth is. It’s so easy to be influenced by our environments: the people in our lives, our jobs, the content from social media, and even from the TV shows we choose to watch. If we sit in silence, we are given the opportunity to hear our own voice. Give yourself the space to filter out what does align with your values and what doesn’t. Give yourself the space to really be heard.
3. Approach yourself with acceptance and compassion. This was one of the hardest exercises for me to come to terms with. I had an old life (pre-breakup) and a new life (post-breakup). My old life was one lived within the box of an abusive relationship. I didn’t want anyone to know how bad that life was, or how unhappy I was in that space, so I created mask after mask and I hid myself away. I felt a lot of shame and I held myself to a very rigid standard and if I failed that IMPOSSIBLE self-standard I would berate myself constantly (remember how the way that we talk to ourselves is so important?). In my new life, I work to be more compassionate. I work to reparent myself. I work to stop myself in a shame cycle or a moment of negative self-talk and instead I say “Hey, this is okay. You’re human. This is hard. It’s okay to feel these feelings. What can we do moving forward?” Over time, I realized that the more that I stopped that harsh self-talk, the more that I showed myself acceptance and compassion the lighter I felt internally. I began to even experience new feelings like hope and joy — they were so foreign that at first I didn’t know what to do with them. I then began using them as a compass; I started seeking things that made me happy instead of seeking things people told me should make me happy. It’s okay to make mistakes. That doesn’t mean you’re bad or a failure. That just means you’re human. The path to living your truth is full of mistakes — but meeting them with grace will be much more satisfying than trying to keep them rigidly pressed down in a tiny box of social obligation and misery.
4. You have power in making your own decisions. This was also something that was terrifying to me when I started trying to step into my power and reclaim it. I put an affirmation in my phone and set it to pop up every day at 3PM. I wanted to remember that my life is MY life. I’m not living it for anyone else. I’m living it for me. Every time you honor a value or respect a boundary you are showing yourself that you matter. You honor what is true to you. Boundaries can be so hard to establish — and even harder to maintain. They are the only way that you can start putting yourself first and they are the only way that you can start really stepping into the power that you have in your own life. We might often worry that if we reinforce a boundary, people will become angry with us. You can’t make everyone happy. You can’t control their feelings. You can only control your feelings. Pursue you and disappoint others.
5. Your value is in you, not in what other people tell you it is. So often we are conditioned into believing that our value comes from what other people think about us. This can push us to take jobs we don’t really like, pursue a lifestyle that doesn’t really matter to us, and build a community that doesn’t support us. When you show yourself that you matter, you’ll start sliding away from these constructions. You will show yourself that you have unique value — apart from these constructions — and when you keep small promises to yourself, you take a small step closer to living your truth.

When I started thinking about removing my mask I was overwhelmed at how large this task seemed. I set small steps for myself that were easier to accomplish. I put a reminder in my phone: You are enough. I started painting again. I started sharing my art. I started writing again. I started sharing my writing. After consistent, small actions, I began to believe that I was actually enough — and not only was I enough I had something to share with the world and it was my own unique message. That’s how you can stop wearing the mask. Small steps that will lead to the realization that all you need is you. You (all of you — every bit of you) are enough. What is keeping you from being on the center stage of your own life? Think about one small thing that you can do this week that brings you closer to removing your mask. Prioritze that.