Nap Hard with a Vengence

My 4 year old hates going to sleep. Whenever my wife and I try and put our 4 year old to bed he plays a game where he’s a miniature version of Bruce Willis from the “Die Hard” franchise and my wife and I are some sort of combination of Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons, Timothy Olyphant, and whoever the bad guys were in “Die Hard 2″ and “A Good Day to Die” (I can’t remember).

During those hours it’s a battle of overwhelming firepower verses one barefooted stubborn guy in his underwear running and diving room to room screaming “Yippie Kai Yay MOTHERFUCKER!!!”.

Okay, perhaps I exaggerate a tad. He doesn’t drop the “MF bomb” yet. But it’s basically want he’s saying to us as he escapes from his room and mocks us on a daily basis.

At first we thought he was just beginning to outgrow his nap. Maybe he doesn’t need it anymore? We’ve tested this theory a couple of times both on purpose and on accident. Not surprisingly, the results were less than pleasant.

Now I’ve never put a cat into a pillow case and spun it over my head before (nor would I) but I imagine the result is the same as when my kid doesn’t nap. Both are a dizzy pissed off slobbering messes trying to claw my eyes out.

Technically he’s the one that’s refusing to sleep so this is really all his fault but he’s only 4. Blaming a 4 year old might feel good at the moment but it’s not going to get him to sleep any faster. And while he is definitely a smart 4 year old he’s still a kid which makes him borderline dumb. I’ve said something like this before when talking about the kids on the TV show The Walking Dead:

Granted it’s hard enough to keep kids from doing something stupid that kills them in the regular world so I can’t imagine what it must be like in the zombie apocalypse. The simple truth is that kids are dumb. It’s not their fault. They’re supposed to be dumb. They’re supposed to learn and acquire knowledge over time through trial and error as they grow into a functioning member of society. Of course if there is no society to grow up in and everyone is constantly trying to kill/eat you then kids never have the opportunity to “learn from their mistakes”.

To be honest there are plenty of adults on that show making dumb decisions all the damn time (See: Andrea). For the time being though my 4 year old doesn’t have to deal with flesh craving zombies but he does have to deal with stressed out parents that need him to rest during the day so they can work on some of the hundreds of items on their to-do lists (#1 — Also take nap).

My first thought was to turn the door knob of his room around and just lock him in there. I’m not kidding. This was my first thought and I was totally serious. I’m still not 100% convinced it was a bad idea. My wife shot this down immediately as she was not keen on turning our upstairs into a mini-Guantanamo Bay. I didn’t even bother bringing up building a cage around his bed like a dog crate.

So if we can’t lock him up. Or cage him. I assume that means we’re also not allowed to tie him up or to his bed. I know these are all terrible ideas but that was the stage of desperation we were at. The worst part was that I know if he just held still for a moment he’d pass out. It wouldn’t even have to be a long moment either. He’s so exhausted but his teeny-tiny little brain isn’t able to comprehend that yet. You know how sharks need to keep swimming or they’ll drown? He’s like that but instead of the ocean it’s our townhouse. And instead of swimming he’s sprinting in a circle and up and down the stairs waving his arms over his head shouting the “I SHAKE MY BOOTY! I SHAKE MY BOOTY!”

All appeared lost. That is until we remembered a parenting method that all parents rely on when they are at their most vulnerable…good old fashioned bribery. Unfortunately 4 year olds do not understand the value of money. No the currency for a 4 year old is time. Time they’re allowed to play with electronic devices most notably smartphones and tablets.

We let our kids play on these devices occasionally. We never wanted to be one of those families that you see out to dinner where no one is interacting with each other and everyone is staring at their screens. I’m not saying we’ve never been that family before because we most certainly have. Sometimes you just want to have a peaceful dinner with your spouse and not worry about your kids screaming or climbing over the booth to annoy the family next to you.

So we break out our iPhones/Droids/tablets open up Star Wars Angry Birds and slide it over to their grubby little fingers. It’s amazing how quiet it gets. I remember as a kid on trips to Baltimore to visit our family my parents wished they had a sound proof divider that they could raise when my sister and I started fighting (usually about 10 minutes into the 2+ hour trip). This is just like that except with disgruntled pig hating animated birds.

Since we have been keeping these devices on lock down the opportunity to play on them has become a high commodity in our house. The privilege to even touch one requires the best behavior and we dangle it in front of their frothing faces like the proverbial carrot. So far it works. He’s been staying in his bed and has been enjoying playing on our phones for about 15-20 mins. Once again my wife and I feel like super awesome parents.

This is usually when the shit the fan.

Eventually he’s going to tire of Angry Birds or whatever game I download for him. Or perhaps he’ll get tired of playing on these devices (Don’t shake your head at me it could happen!). I am reminded of the Great Angry Bird Massacre of 2013. There used to be a time when we could hold hostage the tiny plastic angry bird toys. The threat of us cutting one up was enough to get through to him that he needed to listen.

There were causalities…

But over time this threat began to lose it’s power. His tears turned to laughter when an Angry Bird was cut and ricocheted across the room. The last time I cut one he chuckled and exclaimed “Let’s cut another one!”. Dear God did I accidentally turn my 4 year old into Robert DeNiro from “The Deer Hunter”?!

That was the last time we cut one up. Seemed pointless now plus these little things are expensive. Maybe 4 year olds are as dumb as I thought.

- Ray