Fear, My Not So Great Boyfriend

What the hell am I going to write about? I have a lot of ideas but how do I narrow them down? I totally don’t want to offend anyone! How do I get my personality across in my writing? Night after night, as I embroil myself in meaningless chores, this recording plays in my head. Repeating the reasons why I can’t write and reaffirming the conviction that I am in no position to help anyone with anything, let alone be a life coach.

This has been my mantra for months now. I guess if I am being totally truthful, it’s really been my mantra for years. Every day, without exception, I manage to generate enough excuses to keep my fingers away from the keyboard long enough to sabatoge my chances of writing anything for the night. In news that shocks absolutely no one, all of my excuses have been generated by my on-again, off-again, not so great boyfriend, Fear. You know the kind, lots of tattoos and a total disregard for anyone and anything. Definitely not bringing this one home to Mom. I decided to throw Fear into this category because it is something that can be beneficial in the right circumstances but, too often, you are left wondering what compelled you to let it move in to begin with. Convenience, I guess.

Fear and I have had an awkwardly comfortable relationship throughout my adult life. It reminds me of all the things “out there” that may break me. It encourages me to live small and safe. To fly under the radar. To not rock the boat. Fear isn’t bad, it means well. But in the meaning well, it protects too much. It clips wings which were made to fly. It anchors boats which were made to sail. It snuffs candles which were meant to burn. It convinces you that three clichés in a row is a bad idea. I don’t blame Fear for this because I know that I not only let it through the door, but I am consistently seduced by its words.

Even though I have my issues with Fear, I shy away from judging it negatively. It is, after all, an innate aspect of my humanness. If it is showing up in my life, it must be valid. But just because it is valid, does that mean it needs to hover? I definitely do not want to be in a relationship with something that monitors my every move and convinces me to play it safe. I mean, I know there is a time and a place for Fear and I to hang out, but…everyday, really? I am beginning to feel smothered by this relationship.

I have set my eyes on something new anyway. A completely sexy, wildly autonomous idea known as Freedom. Freedom and I have flirted with each other in the past but our relationship has never developed into anything other than brief encounters and broken promises.

I guess what I am saying is that I am going to ask Fear to move out and I am going to ask Freedom to move in. I know it will be hard on Fear as it tends to be a bit clingy. I am going to let it know that I appreciate its service and that I absolutely want to see it again, as friends. The kind that don’t sabotage each other. Even though this new path carries with it a large degree of uncertainty, I am confident that Fear will honor my request and leave me be for the time being. Like any relationship that has ended, I am feeling a bit raw and exposed but I think I like it. I know Fear will be there in case I am being chased by tigers. In the meantime, let my love affair with Freedom begin.