CHRONIC DISSATISFACTION, EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
STORY OF MY LIFE.
Recently i finished writing 1st book of my life. I read somewhere that writing is good for mental health, it’s even therapeutic. I thought that i would feel relaxed and satisfied but i didn't though i felt busy and absorbed while writing, which is a miracle for me. Because there is always a thought about existence and life in my mind. I should be proud, i should be thrilled, but no, i have to have the constant dissatisfaction.
Did you ever have the feeling that something isn't right, that something is missing in the life? I feel it all the time, doesn’t matter what i am doing. When i first felt this anxious feeling of incomplete, i thought that it’s because of sex, i did it but the feeling kind of stuck. Then i tried writing, reading, trekking, i even dropped-out of college nevertheless i am fucked.
After dropping-out from college i moved to bangalore to work on a startup. I kept myself busy for some-time, then i got bored. Boredom is not as simple as it seems.
Let me give you an insight into simple looking boredom. Boredom is an emotional state experienced when an individual is left without anything in particular to do, and not interested in their surroundings. An unpleasant, transient affective state in which the individual feels a pervasive lack of interest and difficulty concentrating on the current activity.
I coped with boredom by daydreaming. I used to daydream and fantasize about crime plots, hannibal, chasing people, being a detective. Have you experienced that sometimes when you are driving or in a bus or train, you dont even remember what happened in the way. It’s because of daydreaming, we all do it. Our brain automatically switches us to daydreaming when we are in boring situations.
In simple words Boredom is a condition characterized by perception of one’s environment as dull, tedious, and lacking in stimulation. This can result from leisure and a lack of aesthetic interests.
Boredom is not just lack of interest it could be harmful as well. Prolonged Boredom could be a symptom of clinical depression. Boredom can be a form of learned helplessness, a phenomenon closely related to depression. Anyway it’s not much of a big deal because boredom could be tackled by doing and engaging In different, interesting and thrilling activities.
But so called chronic dissatisfaction, it’s exhausting and impetus. In the movie “vicky cristina barcelona”, Javier asks Scarlet, “what do you want”?
“I don't know, but not this”, she says.
Then Penelope Cruz says, “Nothing will ever be good enough for her”, “ Chronic dissatisfaction, thats what you have. Chronic Dissatisfaction”.
That’s what i have. So what should i do? There is no answer, there is no therapy for it. There is no pill for it, take a pill and it’s gone. It’s like there is eternal strive, a constant energy driving me to jump from one thing to another, to try all type of crazy stuff.
I blame consciousness for this shit. See animals they don’t envision, contemplate or have agony of constant dissatisfaction.
Evolution fucked us.
I think chronic dissatisfaction can't just disappear, no matter what you do, but most probably it’s more painful when one live an ordinary life. It’s not new knowledge that ordinary life sucks; school, graduate from college, get sucked by corporates, marry, have children and then make your children to do the same. How ordinary ! It’s a fucking cycle. Most people try too hard, WORK ENDLESSLY for just existing, for living a life they see other people live. They don’t know any other way. It’s not hard to exist, it’s not hard to just live. Actually just existing is more fun than your crappy life because it has freedom, freedom to do anything, go anywhere.
But no, People have to go to college, do some crappy work, marry and in the process they compromise their freedom. And do the same thing their parents did. It’s fucking insane.
I am really amazed that billions of people are doing the same mundane, frustrating crap. And for fucking what, to grow old, to live boring-crapy-shitty life and to wait for nothingness to suck the life out of you. I can’t do that. I fucking can’t. I am just terrified by the thought of getting a job and marrying.
The marriage shit made me remember the conversation between Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, from “Fight club”.
Brad Pitt: My father never went to college, So it was real important that i go. So i graduate. Call him up long distance and say, “ Dad, now what?”.
He says, “Get a job.”
Now i am 25, make my yearly call again, “dad now what?”
He says, “i dunno, get married.”
Edward Norton: You can’t get married. I am a 30 year old boy.
Brad Pitt: WE ARE A GENERATION OF MEN RAISE BY WOMEN, I AM WONDERING IF ANOTHER WOMEN IS REALLY THE ANSWER WE NEED.
It’s not that marriage is lame and having children is too ordinary, which is. It’s not that i hate children contrastingly i love children; they give meaning to their birthgivers life but some people like me, thrive for something thrilling, exciting, interesting, something uncertain, something chaotic. We can’t settle for ordinary life sucking shit.
I sought ceaselessly to orient myself towards thrill and maximum chaos. I can’t be the guy who is stuck in comfortable groove and shitty life.
Chronic Dissatisfaction is curse and blessing at the same time. I know it’s exhausting to be dissatisfied all the time but that’s what it is. We all are fucked in some ways, atleast i am damaged in the way which motivates me to try thrilling, exciting and adventurous things. It’s a good thing right?
I want to try base jumping, paragliding, may be CRIME. I want to live in himalayas, paris and iceland. NO ASPIRATIONS, NO AMBITION, NOTHING TO ACHIEVE, JUST FREE.
In tyler’s world, “ I SAY NEVER BE COMPLETE”
I FEEL THE PERVERSE URGE OF STIMULATION. SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN, DOESN’T MATTER GOOD OR BAD, CONSTRUCTIVE OR DESTRUCTIVE. IT”S INSANE.
I WANT TO BE ANOMALY, DEVIATION FROM NORMAL AND ORDINARY PEOPLE. And the awareness and existential crisis drives me to do that.
Apart from the chronic dissatisfaction, once i was fucked by existential crisis. FUCK CONSCIOUSNESS. FUCK SELF-AWARENESS. There is always a cluster of messed-up questions in a corner of my mind, what’s life, what’s existence, what’s the meaning of life. And there was a time when i got drawn and drawn to the darkness to the level of self-destructing depression. It’s really hard to live a life, when you are pre-disposed to existential shit. It’s like nothing matters, nothing is important. It’s a loss of hope . It’s a loss of driving force.
What’s existential crisis?
An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value.
It may result from:
• The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
• A new-found grasp or appreciation of one’s mortality;
• Believing that one’s life has no purpose or external meaning;
• Searching for the meaning of life;
• Shattering of one’s sense of reality, or how the world is;
• Awareness of one’s freedom and the consequences of accepting or rejecting that freedom etc.
It’s freakingly depressing. Some people feel it at one point or another, some carry its burden all the time. They try to suppress their vary own awareness to cope, but it’s always there, Al-fucking-ways.
It’s mentally exhausting but if a person is that much self-conscious and self -aware, he could accept the absurdity. You could find something which gives meaning, which you like. It could be friendship, it could be writing or painting, anything. At least this kind of awareness gives a strange kind of freedom, contentment and maturity. You would always be grateful to the things you have, you can live life by just choosing what’s most important to you, like your friends, or your wife. Having friends or family is quintessential to cope with existential crisis (EC).
But having both, chronic dissatisfaction (CD) and EC is fucked up.
How should one deal with that much of fucked-up shit?
Having friends, family and people around gives belonging and a hope to live life. Keeping yourself busy or defining yourself aesthetically, overall doing some work (only for EC) is one of the coping strategy. But if you are struggling with both CD and EC you have to live with uncertainty, try new things, try adventure sports, travel, make some chaos, do stuff which is risky, thrilling, may be violent. That’s the key.
I can't write what exactly i am doing to cope because nature of my coping is kind of complex and may be illegal. But do stuff which contains elements of chaos, thrill and uncertainty.