Let Me Eat My Cheesecake!!
I want to say that I have had a writer’s block for quite sometime now. When I say quite sometime, I mean years and years now. But it’s not a writer’s block, really. I was still writing stuff, but I just wasn’t publishing it because, what if someone doesn’t like it? What if my language isn’t good enough? Or what if someone thought that I shouldn’t be putting out personal content out for the public to read it? Let me tell you what I used to write about. Just personal stuff. I started writing as an outlet of my emotions. I have always been a shy person. I express myself better when I write. I cannot answer someone when they ask me what cuisine I’d prefer to eat, because, it genuinely triggers my anxiety. That’s the kind of person I am. But I feel free and like myself when I do two things — Write and dance. So my writings have always been about my life because it is quite dramatic most of the times and I don’t even start it.
I started writing when I thought a fool was in love with me. I think I am the fool in this story but, anyway, that’s not the point. He wasn’t, obviously. I was though. I mean, I have always craved for love as a person. So, I have attachment issues amongst other things. It was very easy for me to fall in love with the first person I met(I worked on it and therapy helped. A lot). Anyway, when this person told me that he doesn’t love me, I was heart broken. I did not have a lot of close friends then. But I found out that my company had a space where you can blog. I didn’t even know what blogging meant then. I went through some of what people had written in that space. There was a section for lifestyle and personal, where people had posted few articles about their own life. Little snippets from their day to day activities/life. A girl had posted on how she asked the guys who were painting the wall at our Bangalore office to let her paint the wall as well. It was quite amusing to me that someone would actually ask another person to allow them to do what they were doing. I’d never do that. I’d in my head. But I’d never go and ask someone upfront. I’d die of anxiety before I get the first word out of my mouth, I tell you.
So, then, I thought I will write about my break up or how this guy ditched me when I pulled the big guns on him (I told him I love you and he reciprocated, y’all). I did. I posted. I do get a little preachy sometimes. Like, how you should make wine when life throws grapes at you. I heard someone say this in a reality show and decided to use it instead of the lemonade thing. Just want to be an adult overall. Anyway, I got preachy in the post of how I got dumped and a lot of people liked it. I kind of became like a mini star in the blog section. A lot of people wrote to personally on how amazing my blog was and empathized with me as well. A few sour pus didn’t like it and they were very open about it. I mean, it is a democratic country, right? Right?
But one girl, and I will never forget her, went to the level of mocking my entire blog. As in, she wrote a parody of my blog. It hurt me because, I was really hurt by the getting dumped episode and I had written about how it hurt me and here’s someone who is mocking me for it. There were people who found it hilarious. To cut it short, that was my first encounter with a bully in my life. I confronted her. We had an argument and the rest is history (I made the birch take down the blog and she deleted her profile out of her own volition). I continued writing in that space. It sort of became my safe space to express myself and I loved it.
Now here’s the thing, I had and still have no plans to write a novel because, I am not really very creative to write fiction. I am not very good with words either. I cannot write shakespearean English. I used to write poems which were more like slam poetry and then this person told me that they are just “okay”. So I stopped posting them as well. I later started meeting elitist bloggers who wrote fiction and short stories. Like I said, I don’t care about short stories because my life is dramatic enough as it is. So trust me when I tell you that I don’t think I also need to live a fictional life. I honestly believe that you need to live the fictional life and the various characters to basically write a novel. That’s how it works for me. Also, my professional life doesn’t allow it. I cannot live a double life.
So, for now, I will live in the life that pays me. But when I saw so many people writing fiction and poetry and some of it are so amazing, I started thinking that maybe, I should just not write. There’s no point in writing what I write because I am never going to write how they write. These people took writing very seriously. Somehow I have always had more followers than the fiction writers in the blog that I used to maintain. This obviously agitated the ones who put their heart and soul into the story and characters they create. Then there was me who just wrote what happened in my life. Some of them I really looked up to told me that they will never write openly about their life. Of course, this was after I almost stopped writing because I couldn’t focus on writing and my career it was too much for me. I am not good at multitasking. Remember how I told you that I have anxiety? It reaches the peak when I do more than one thing at a time. I cannot listen to songs and also work. If I listen to songs, I can only listen to songs because, have you done justice to the song if you aren’t singing along?
When I decided to continue my writing saga after a while of not writing because, I was busy dealing with my health issues and work, I met people who thought writing about your private life is you invading your own privacy. I mean, it doesn’t make any sense now. But at the time, I wanted to fit in so I succumbed to peer pressure. I agreed with them even though I still don’t understand why one cannot write about what is happening in their life. It’s their life and they can write about it, do a podcast about it or write a novel about it, like you know who! Honestly, 2 states is a decent novel, ok? I haven’t read any of his novels after that. If you don’t know who wrote 2 states you either have an amazing taste in books/literature or you just don’t read which is quite sad (Academical books do not count). But I should not be criticizing someone who is not a reader, right? I should not be looking down on someone who reads Chetan Bhagat either. But, I will. But that’s not the point.
The point is, it doesn’t matter what you will do or not do. Do not set that as the base rule for everyone else. Let others make their own rules as they go. Today, I might want to eat cheesecake for breakfast and I may want fries with it to balance the sweet with savory. And then there can be someone who wants to eat salad and drink green juice along with it (Ugh times infinity!!!) But let them do it without you judging them constantly or telling them what to do. So, stop shaming the ones who don’t fit into the box you constructed for yourself, because, sometimes, even you don’t fit into it. So you can cut the box a little bit and reconstruct it if you want or just trash it altogether and create a new box. Nobody tells us this or told us this while growing up. They kept a box and stuffed us into it. It’s very unfair and quite pathetic. What I am trying to say is — Let people who wants to eat cheesecake for breakfast eat it in peace and burger off with your salad.