I felt a lot like that just recently. I am always on the outside looking in, I don’t fit and wrestle feelings of worthlessness daily. Mindfulness and awareness and the law of dual thought=you can not hold two thought at the same time, have helped.
I recited to myself in three’s Thank you, thank you, thank you until something eases. Does it always work? No, but I keep at it and it works more often as I go on.
It is not easy making myself do this even though it sounds too simple. I don’t want to. I want to fall into the dark and disappear, but I also want to live, a duality of nature within me. My own personal oxymoron that wages war as you did above.
Sometimes I think I should just give up and in micro seconds I do, and then change my mind. “I will persist until I succeed.” Og Mandino. I will fill my head with positive info, talk, and avoid like the plague all the negative when I can.
I will steer clear of toxic people and those that harm whether intended or not. I will do my best for this day. Tomorrow is another day, as Scarlet O'Hara would have said. (Gone With The Wind)
Today I’m doing okay. Tomorrow I hope to do better wrestling one step at a time.
Great post and I hear you. I really enjoy your writing. Thank you for sharing even when you don’t want to share. It takes courage to say it. Warrior ON!