roommate wanted: Greenpoint, $580

“Obviously, it’s a classic railroad setup; bedroom, bedroom, office, living room, bathroom/hallway, then kitchen. So that means if you have to pee in the middle of the night, you’d either use this external door and shuffle through the hallway of the building, or you open this other door and you walk past me while I’m sleeping.”

“Hmm. Awkward choice.”

“Yeah, so there’s that, and the landlords also live right next door, so they’ll pretty much know everything about you because the walls in here are like paper.”

“But it’s really only $580 per month?”

“Yup. $580. No pets”

“Okay, I really need this apartment. I work in publishing and the pay is just enough to keep me from killing myself. If I move in here, I could pay rent and sometimes maybe order a pizza. I’ve been eating oatmeal and brown rice for six months. How many more interviews do you have?”

“Close to 80 people answered the ad. I’ve narrowed it down to a few who are visiting tonight.”

“If you pick me, I swear I will cook for you every night. I can do more than oatmeal. I’m really good at sandwiches.”

****

“I am recovering from a combination of Lyme disease and dengue fever. I haven’t been able to work for six months, but I’m recovering now. You don’t know what it would mean to pay only $580 in rent. You could, quite literally, save my life.”

****

“We’re going to break through this year. We just signed a new booking agent, and he’s a Capricorn. I know he can get us to the next level.”

****

“You need me as your roommate. I work in a kitchen in Midtown. Do you know 15 West? I can get you whatever reservation you want.”

****

“It would probably be a long commute to Columbia, but you’re the first person I’ve met that I could actually picture living with in this situation. And I mean, $580 in Greenpoint? I’ll be the best roommate you’ve ever had.”

****

“I’ll take it. Seriously. Do you like theater? I work for TKTS. I can get you into all the big shows, well, not Hamilton, but almost anything else…”

****

****

“I work in a gallery. It’s great, but I also have to work in a bar to afford to work in the gallery. You have no idea how competitive those jobs are. This apartment would change my life.”

****

“How soon can I move in? Can I move in now? I’m dead serious. I’m going through a breakup. It’s hell, and neither of us have been able to find a place. I need to get out of there. I’m going to gouge my eyes out — or maybe his eyes — I mean it. Somebody is getting hurt if I have to go back there.”

****

“Real talk: What can I say to make you choose me? I have references, I have a great credit score, I know people. I can connect you to people…”

****

“I will be the best roommate you’ve ever had.”

“Would you be surprised to know that I’ve heard that a few times tonight?”

“But really.”

“Is it better than dinner every night? I have a lot of bribery to review…”

“I only want this room to make my parents feel better. I’m living with my fiancé right now, so they’ll just pay my half of the rent here and you’ll never see me. Ever.”

“Wait… your parents are paying your rent?”

“Exactly.”

“So… you’re paying to not move in?”

“That’s my offer.”

“Welcome to Greenpoint.”

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