Here we go again…

Donavon Roberson
3 min readMay 3, 2024

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Fair warning, this isn’t business related…for those who read my blogs for information on best practices or efficiency tips please know that this is a post regarding my personal faith journey. Feel free to read and engage, I want to set the expectations for what you will read here.

I’m navigating through my uncertainties. Currently, I’m reading Faith after Doubt by Brian McLaren who advises journaling as part of the process — so this is me starting that journey. McLaren outlines what he calls the 5 Stages of Doubt: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance.

Early in his book, McLaren suggests several practical steps to engage with our doubts:
1. Acknowledge and name the doubts.
2. Discuss these doubts with others.
3. Reflect on the stages mentioned, recognizing where I’ve been and where I’m at now.
4. Describe my doubts in as much detail as possible.

So, let’s dive in.

I often feel caught in a loop of beginning and stalling, always hoping that this time, my efforts will persist. This has been a pattern for years. I’m on a quest, and to borrow from a well-known song, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

I approach this with an open mind, devoid of expectations or assumptions about the outcome. I’m here to articulate thoughts and feelings that are challenging to pin down.

My name is Donavon, and I admit I’m an addict — I’m not only addicted to my doubts, but I’m also addicted to the fear and anxiety those doubts bring.

While working on a paper for my Master’s Degree, I pondered the idea of the church truly meeting people where they are, without prerequisites for ministry. This thought led me to Rob Bell’s What We Talk About When We Talk About God, then to Christian music, Kessid’s podcast, and back to doubting my doubts, ultimately bringing me to McLaren’s book — and here.

At this moment, defining “here” is difficult.

In conversations, I struggle to articulate what this means for me. A recent discussion with a friend highlighted this confusion; I couldn’t provide clear answers, feeling awkward and unprepared.

But here I am, unsure of my exact location, but knowing it’s where I need to start.

Breaking it down, I’ve experienced all the stages of doubt McLaren describes, likely cycling through them multiple times. Presently, I feel grounded in acceptance.

I’ve questioned everything — what I’ve taught, what I’ve been taught, what I believed to be true, and even my foundational experiences. This has led me to doubt myself:

- Am I foolish? Naive?
- Am I simply a follower? Not as intelligent as I think?
- Am I too sensitive? Too weak?
- Is this normal?
- Will I ever stop feeling this way or questioning myself?

These questions breed fear and anxiety. I wonder if I’ve wasted too much time, misled others, or caused harm to others in the name of faith. Is recovery and restoration from this even possible?

Yet, I remind myself to take a breath. I am not alone in this journey — the books and teachings that brought me here are a testament to that. I am not foolish; these are questions many wrestle with, feeling similar pains and facing similar dilemmas. And I haven’t intentionally caused harm; like many pastors, I’ve taught what I believed from a genuine heart.

This place, amidst the doubts and disillusionment, is good. Doubts have helped shed the burdens I’ve carried for years, and I’m relieved to let them go. As McLaren states something along the lines of — in the doubt, the disillusionment disappears!

Here I am, committed to continuing this work. Next, I’ll focus more on naming my doubts, aiming to explore them with greater detail, honesty, and depth — to better understand exactly where “here” is.

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Donavon Roberson

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