Desi Elder Daughter Syndrome
What exactly does it mean to be the eldest daughter in a Desi family?
Written by: Huda Mahmood
In a society obsessed with sons, when the first child is a daughter, it is entirely a game of luck on how your life will pan out ahead.
As for me? I turned out to be those lucky few whose birth was celebrated and whose existence was a joy for everyone. I was lucky enough to have the best possible childhoods one can imagine in our society. Or so I thought.
Fast forward to adulthood, with the pampered years gone by; there was this constant feeling of imminent failure and loss lurking just beneath the surface. One day, as I neared the end of the second decade of my life, a thought stopped me short. I found myself revisiting my childhood and early years — and life was never the same again.
I began to see, recognize, and highlight the similarities between myself and that of my mother. I remembered all the times I had been called upon to shoulder both emotional and domestic labors within the family, sometimes larger than what my own emotional bandwidth could handle. I recalled all the times over the years that I had been referred to as ‘another mother’ by my siblings. I realized that much of my drive for perfection, hyper-independence and control stemmed from those early years; when I, too, should have been living a childhood similar to my siblings.
I realized I had Elder Daughter Syndrome.
While not an officially diagnosed condition, the Elder Daughter Syndrome is an often-unconscious family role that many eldest daughters inherit — regardless of their number within the sibling hierarchy.
The oldest daughter will usually find herself burdened with emotional caretaking, domestic labor and the responsibility of taking care of the younger siblings. From being the caretaker and nurturer of the family to (many atimes) being responsible for household duties — including financially supporting the family — most desi families have strict social structures that force the eldest daughter to fall into these patterns, usually at the cost of her own personal needs and ambitions. Due to the high expectations place on the eldest daughter from a very young age, she usually struggles with perfectionism throughout her life. As the years pass by, she will often begin to feel resentful and angry over the childhood she did not have. This usually translates to a need for hyper-independence and freedom as she grows older.
In patriarchal cultures, women are socialized to take on disproportionate emotional and domestic labor for the whole family. Many women are conditioned to become self-sacrificing, centering the men in their lives. The eldest daughter will occasionally inherit these patterns — unless she finds it within herself to break free from expectations and live a life on her own terms.
The expectations placed upon the elder daughter are certainly contradictory. She is meant to be a leader with the ability to influence others in her role as an elder sibling, yet the social expectation of women to be subjugated to their male counterparts (inside or outside of marriage) becomes her greatest hindrance. She is forever shackled to the endless responsibility(s) of caring for everyone else within the family. She is taught to embody this need of pleasing others and of graciously sacrificing her own needs by putting herself last. As the eldest daughter, she will provide emotional and nurture to the family, often leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms as an adult.
In South Asia (within the desi family system), studies reveal that children contribute to a significant proportion of household duties. Girls between 5 and 14 years of age spend 40 percent of their time on unpaid household chores. Typically, the eldest daughter bears the brunt of such responsibilities. The demands she faces throughout her childhood and the pressures of performing well in different aspects of her life lead to her developing tendencies of perfectionism; causing her to derive her validation(s) from external sources — either people or her own professional achievements. These demands may lead to the emergence of anxiety, the development of low self-esteem and difficulty establishing boundaries.
The patriarchal setup of the family structure within desi society results in childhood neglect — a form of domestic violence and abuse. The gendered roles that result in an uneven dynamic between men and women need to be reevaluated and their harmful effects vocalized in order for the problem to be acknowledge and a solution found.
While we need to stop gendered statements like ‘larkian ziada nhi boltein’ and ‘ghar ek aurat he sanbhaal sakti hai’, we must also redefine the ideas of confidence, freedom, and leadership for women in our society.
This renewed approach can only take place when women are aware of their rights and do not shy away from reclaiming their space in the social hierarchy. The shackles of cultural and social ideas, lined by superstitions and taboos, need to be broken off.
The idea of loving themselves and prioritizing them over others must be instilled in women. They must strive to find the right balance between self-love and caring without feeling guilty about it. The new generation of mothers must take it upon themselves to teach their daughters about their rights, and give them the confidence to walk on their own and create the lives they deserve and desire.
Additionally, focus must be put on the men, too. They can no longer pretend to be ignorant of how patriarchy has harmed us all. From an early age, boys must be taught to look at women as deserving of respect — not subjugation.
Family need to acknowledge the unfair burden that is placed on the eldest daughter(s). The men in the family must also learn to pick up after themselves and divide chores within the household. Centuries of conditioning that views housekeeping as feminine and gender-specific must be unlearned and replaced with that of an equal household, based on mutual respect and equal division of labour.
