Post-Separation Abuse
An in-depth look at abuse after separation.
Written by: Zohra Ahmed
Post-separation abuse refers to abuse that takes place after the survivor has left the abusive relationship. A common misconception is that if the survivor leaves the abusive relationship, the abuse will end. This is not always true. Usually, the abuse will simply change forms.
As Jess Hill states in her book, “A survivor can choose to leave an abusive relationship; but the choice to end the abuse is not in their hands.“ (See What You Made Me Do, 2019)
Post-separation abuse takes place because the abuser feels they are entitled to continue abusing the survivor. They are highly motivated to carry on the abuse using both the system and their interpersonal relationship(s); despite the survivor’s successful escape. It is almost as though their ego cannot understand that they no longer are in control of the survivor’s life — that, for once, the other person actually decided to stand up for themselves (and their children) and made their own choice(s), without requiring their approval or permission.
It is this that is unbearable to the abuser. The (seemingly sudden) agency found by the survivor and their independent action(s).
Post-separation abuse can be defined as “the ongoing, willful pattern of intimidation and abuse of a former intimate partner”. This includes (1) legal abuse, (2) economic abuse, (3) threats, intimidation and endangerment to the children, (4) counter parenting, (5) social isolation and reputational harm, and (6) harassment and stalking; among others.
Legal abuse refers to making use of the legal and court system to perpetuate abuse. This includes filing for custody in court; custody stalking, which includes fathers’ use of custody battles to overturn the historic patterns of care of the children, causing tremendous grief, damaging mothers’ psychological wellbeing and detrimentally affecting their mothering relationships; instigating frivolous lawsuits; threats to “take children away” via child custody proceedings; and other system-related manipulations.
Legal abuse usually includes litigation tactics that shift blame onto the survivors (post-separation) and reduce their credibility.
It is usually the physical and legal aspects of separation that lead to post-separation abuse.
Economic abuse refers to exerting control over the survivor’s finances, such as the survivor’s income, spending, bank accounts, bills, mortgage and borrowing. It includes withholding access to basic resources such as technology and transport, that allows the survivor to stay in touch with the outer world, work and support themselves (and their children). The abuser may withhold financial support (such as child support and maintenance), medical expenses and even interfere with the survivor’s ability to work (such as by creating issues with transport) and housing (such as by refusing to pay enough money to cover their rent). It also includes causing conflict at the survivor’s place of work and home by involving them (or their landlord or employer) in tedious litigation.
It is legally recognized as a form of abuse in the UK under the Domestic Abuse Act (2021). It can follow the survivor long after the relationship ends.
Another common form of abuse are a combination of threats, intimidation and endangerment to children. This includes threats to harm the children, refusal to return them to the parent, physical / sexual abuse of the children, medical / psychological neglect, and/or exposing the children to settings not appropriate to their age (such as pornography or illicit drugs).
Additionally, it can be combined with ‘counter parenting’, which means the abuser intentionally works against the co-parent in order to undermine their parenting practices and how they raise the children. They do this simply to spite the (survivor) co-parent, disregarding the adverse affects their counter parenting tactics have on the children.
Social isolation is yet another common tactic used by abusers via which they deprive the victim of their social support system. It aims to cut the survivor off from their friends, family and/ or community. The abuser may do this by refusing to allow the victim to meet up with friends or family, or by destroying their social and professional reputation so they have nowhere to turn but the abuser. They may even accuse the other parent of parental alienation and spread rumors about their mental health.
Allegations of parental alienation significantly affect a survivor’s case in court and, due to the gendered nature of such allegations, mothers accused of parental alienation are at a greater risk of losing access to child custody than fathers. Social structures within our society ensure that most judges naturally assume that mothers are the “gate keepers” of father’s relationships with their children.
Finally, the abuser may also begin to stalk and harass the survivor. Such tactics are designed to intimidate, create fear and exert power and control over the survivor. Custody arrangements may also sometimes provide legitimacy to the abuser’s points of contact, providing additional opportunities for harassment.
The mind map displayed below was drawn by Stella Eden, showcasing the various challenges faced by survivors post-separation; inclusive of the several legal routes that the abuser will take to propagate the abuse using legal routes within the system itself.
Katheryn J. Spearman, along with her colleagues at John Hopkins University, recently released a helpful article on post-separation abuse. While the prevalent belief is that separation from the abuser is enough to end abuse, most studies fail to take into consideration the power imbalance that is the main cause of said abuse. According to the research quoted above, gendered differences in economic power, gendered discourses on parenting that undervalue the mother’s unpaid domestic labor and norms that position mothers as vindictive, are all to blame for societal systems that help perpetuate abuse long after separation takes place.
For parents with minor children, for example, the legal systems and policies in place are central in influencing the ability to maintain safety following separation from an abusive partner. For example, dragged out legal custody battles and the refusal to pay maintenance / alimony can cause great psychosocial harm to the survivor. There is a general belief in Pakistan’s District and Family Courts that the father must be present in the lives of the children. Despite the survivor’s efforts to showcase the violence and abuse during the time of the relationship, the Courts are still reluctant to prevent separation of the abusive parent from the children.
Such mindsets and practices ensure that the cycle of abuse continues, long after separation has taken place. Patriarchal norms are responsible for creating the context for post-separation abuse; especially due to the gendered notions of responsibility and caregiving, male entitlement and gender bias in courts. Such widespread practices make similar abuse seem routine and “commonplace”, with no one from society daring to speak up against such convention.
The belief that the family unit is “better” for the society and children than “single parent homes”, has caused more harm than good; forcing survivors to continue living in abusive relationships for the sake of their children, due to lack of resources and as a result of societal pressure(s).
There is a dire need to work at the community level to spread awareness about post-separation abuse and the tactics used by abusers — including weaponizing their family and social and professional relationships to continue harboring control over the life of the survivor (and their children).
