2016 Election Coverage: For Those About To Vote

2016 Election Coverage: For Those About to Vote

Wow, months have flown by like pages on a calendar flapping in the winds of a mild tropical storm… and guess what? It’s almost November, and no one seems to be aware of this. Scrolling through my Facebook feeds, Twitter feeds (all three of them), Myspace feed (only one, not sure if it’s a feed), and watching all the major news outlets… you’d never even know there’s an election going. So I’m taking upon myself of an American pseudo-reporter to dust off the old MacBook Pro (cracked screen and beer-coated keys) to give this story the attention it deserves.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Let’s talk about this candidate by the name of Hillary, and address the elephant in the room. I don’t know if this is necessarily breaking news, but did you know the former First Lady of Arkansas is a Scorpio? The Scorpio is very loyal to those they fall in love with, and despite her untumultuous marriage to her husband William — she seems to love the land of the free more. America needs loyalty after all; and if HRC is seeking to be that loyal leader, then here are some ideas the country needs to consider to properly court a female Scorpio.

It is said that the female Scorpio is secretive, sexy, and magnetic — and if you want to seduce her… well you have to let her take the reigns of the relationship (President?). The zodiac sign goes on to inform us that we should be patient with her and avoid arguments (no more debates?) in order to properly woo her.

Prediction: Clinton is obviously a 1st Round Draft Pick, but there are questions about her ability to be a franchise savior. She’ll need to improve her footwork and really devote her free time to watching game tape to justify rolling the dice.

Donny John Trump

Look who fell from his gold tower to give this whole fear mongering thing a try — it’s Don. How have I gone this long in life without ever hearing about this guy? He had a reality TV show, reached the legal limit of failed businesses, and ruined the USFL all before his golden tipped gourd ever reflected into retinas and registered in my frontal cortex. But how can be surprised, now knowing that his owner is Mercury — you heard me right, Trump is a Gemini. Which means, of course, that he is chatty and flirty, and hates being alone. It is said by the zodiac that a Gemini is impossible to cling to, so this might be a slippery candidate that might escape through the very fingers that pointed to him to be elected. How do we keep him? I don’t know if we should, but I’ve tapped into the zeitgeist, and I’ve heard the word “wall” a lot, but am not sure of the context.

It has been ordained by the mystic that the most suitable job for Gemini is one that stimulates the intellect — so maybe instead of being a president, maybe he should get paid to read books. A job that we as American’s collectively know is reserved for Geminis.

Prediction: His slow forty-time and xenophobia make him almost undraftable. I see the 7th Round as the ceiling for this prospect, and wouldn’t be surprised if he spent the majority of his career bouncing between free agency and the practice squad for the Buffalo Bills.

Bernard Sanders

Bernard was my dark horse candidate to win the election. Like your typical Virgo, he is full of love and the best day for him is Wednesday. Virgos are tactical and methodical, which makes them excellent lovers — and that seems like it would translate directly to the Oval Office. So slam dunk? Well don’t get a hold of yourself here, you might sprain your wrist on the rim of the basket. Remember earlier when I said that your typical Virgo’s best day is a Wednesday? Well, as unquestionable desire of the zodiac would have it, November 8th (or in Layman’s terms “election day”) is on a Tuesday this year. And after a few days of unrelenting research (I spilled beer on my keyboard, ooops) I discovered that the election day is always on a Tuesday. Which means Bernard never really had a shot. This is more than likely the reason the DNC never wanted him to be the candidate.

Prediction: No longer a day one option, but the man in the large suit from Vermont (both the suit and the man) could hear his name called on day two. He has all the intangibles, but it’s a matter of putting it all together consistently.

Rafael Cruz

Whoops, sorry about that.

Gary ‘Garth Brooks Fanboy” Johnson

Gary is the third party candidate that I can’t stop texting my friend Shawn about. I’m just so excited that this election has a Capricorn. AT LAST! The greatest compatibility for a Capricorn? A Taurus or a Virgo, and guess what guys? America is both! And if you’ve read the great book (.Hitler’s Last Days: The Death of the Nazi Regime and the World’s Most Notorious Dictator by Bill O’Reilly) then you already know that the best President is both named Gary and his birthday is on New Years. 2 for 2! Bat 1.000 thousand much Gare-Bear? The only hang up here is that Capricorn’s dislikes are pretty extensive (it’s pretty much everything at some point), so we need to interlock the nation’s knuckles and pray that he is already passed the point where he dislikes being a good president.

Prediction: Cerebral prospect who understand the game on both sides of the ball. Could have a future of a journeyman who joins many teams throughout his career — and I could even see him with a headset on the sidelines someday. Early Second Round seems to be the best fit.

All in all, I’m glad I did some research on the election. I learned so much not only about each candidate, but about the democratic process. We all have our preconceived notions (much like the zodiac) but sometimes it’s best to do some learning before you go to the booths. A country is a lot like a team, and according to Vince Lombardi “Individual commitment to a group effort — that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.” and I’m paraphrasing here, but it’s still in a italics, so maybe you won’t even notice, “but it makes a good America too. Trust me, I have a trophy named after me, and I won it twice.”

Zach Busby

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