Dear Universe

“Dear Universe” is an advice column brought to you by the Universe. All opinions are the Universe’s own and do not necessarily reflect anything but the deep truth of existence.


Dear Universe,

I’m an attractive 29-year-old woman (give or take a birthday) with a great sense of humor and unstoppable zest for life. Just last week I signed up for a 2-week pottery blast class—how fun is that? I just got out of a 4-year relationship that ended with a messy breakup :( , but I’m starting to date again :) . I’m really hoping to meet a genuine guy. Can you help?

— Single in St. Louis

Dear Single,

HOW DARE YOU? WE ARE FOREVER IN OUR POWER, REACH, AND WISDOM. HOW CAN YOU THINK THE VERY FABRIC OF OUR BEING WOULD BEND SO YOU MIGHT MEET A “GENUINE GUY”? WE CARE NOT FOR YOUR PREVIOUS NOR FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS — TIME IS BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION. HAVE YOU NOT REALIZED THOSE CONNECTIONS ALREADY EXIST ON PLANES YOU CANNOT FATHOM WITH YOUR LIMITED BRAIN?

ALSO, HAVE YOU TRIED OK CUPID? SOME FRIENDS OF MINE JUST GOT MARRIED AND THAT’S WHERE THEY MET.

— Universe


Dear Universe,

My neighbor’s purebred Pekingese is so annoying, barking all the time. Whenever I bring it up, she denies it’s her dog, even though I can see it yapping. I’ve also seen it going boom-boom on my yard and she denies that too! Does she think I’m going boom-boom on my own front lawn? That was one time during Mardi Gras! And worst of all, her dog is a bully who chases my sweet Sultan chicken, Plummy. Plummy is half bald from stress and I’m at my wits end. What should I do?

— Angry in St. Augustine

Dear Angry,

HOW DARE YOU? IN CONTEMPLATING OUR INFINITE DESIGN, DO YOU THINK WE HAVE GIVEN ANY CONSIDERATION TO THE EXISTENCE OF DOG? EVERY BEING IN THIS UNIVERSE IS COMPOSED OF DUST FROM THE MOMENT OF THE INCEPTION OF THIS REALITY. YOUR CHICKEN IS THAT DOG. YOUR INABILITY TO PERCEIVE ALL DIMENSIONS IS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR INFINITE PERFECTION.

ALSO, IF YOUR NEIGHBOR WON’T LISTEN TO REASON, CONSIDER EARPLUGS OR SOUNDPROOF WINDOWS. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, TALK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASSOCIATION.

— Universe


Dear Universe,

Since I was a child, I have always been able to guess what gift someone was about to give me. It started when I was 7 and I was able to guess that my aunt bought me a bike. Ever since I have been very good at guessing. My girlfriend thinks I’m psychic, and I know she’s right. How do I find excitement in anything ever again?

—Psychic in Pittsburgh

Dear Psychic,

HOW DARE YOU? YOU KNOW NOTHING.

— Universe


Dear Universe,

I thought I was heading toward the Northside Walmart but I got turned around. Can you give me directions?

— Lost in Lincoln

Dear Lost,

HOW DARE YOU? THAT WALMART HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR 3 MONTHS AS EVERYONE KNOWS. HEAD TO A LOCAL STORE AND SUPPORT THE DYING ECONOMY OF SMALL BUSINESS FOR ONCE IN YOUR MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE. PAM’S ON 5TH HAS AN IMPRESSIVE SPECIAL ON VITAMINS THIS WEEK.

— Universe


Dear Universe,

I’ve noticed that my vision board tends to fall off the wall during a new moon. I’m worried that it means none of my dreams will come true. I had a picture of the yoga retreat I booked in Peru this fall. Will it still happen? On top of all that, Mercury is in retrograde and I’m super cranky! What’s going on, Universe?

— Chagrined in Chicago

Dear Chagrined,

HOW DARE YOU? VISION BOARDS WERE A JOKE WE STARTED A FEW YEARS AGO WITH OUR BEST FRIEND OPRAH (HI, O). VISION BOARDS ARE MERELY RECOGNIZING AND HAVING GOALS, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY BEING AWARE WHEN GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU. THEY ARE MERELY A PHYSICAL REPRESENTATION OF THE INTANGIBLE FEELING OF SUCCESS.

ALSO, WE TOO TEND TO GET ILL-HUMORED DURING ESPECIALLY LONG RETROGRADE PERIODS. YOU ARE LIKELY NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP. DO TRY A GREEN TEA AND PEPPERMINT BLEND FOR A MIDDAY PICK-US-UP.

— Universe