the 25 year old me

don’t read, it’s about love, as Charles Bukowski said, love is a dog from hell

average lifespan of a human being is 79 years. even if i think i will live for 100 years, i’m done with my first quarter. fuck i don’t want to die and grow old at the same time !

that day i called himaloy, a friend of mine to share my quarter life crisis. he asked me, if i’m dating someone or just being the same wannabe ‘joker’ guy around and mumbling ‘why so serious ?’ again and again.

i don’t remember, what himaloy said or what i said but it went like this -

thing that i never understand in my life is love, i just don’t do it or i just don’t want to. but i have a huge respect about the thing called ‘love’, for the people who do love or understand what love is. though i know they don’t understand it either. and i feel like, sometimes we are too scared to ask for the love we need that we ignore the love from the people around us even without understanding it.

you know, all those crushes we have, all those healthy flirtings we do everyday are so easy, so good as we have very little knowledge about the people we fall for, we don’t except much, we just be in the moment and feel good. but loving is difficult, you become so knowledgeable that we can’t handle the complexity and you forget to live in the moment.

so in short the only question i want to ask you is, are you really ready to suffer ? well that’s what love is.

i think people get the concept of love from their parents, like a child do. like what you will do to your child. love is like, you just want to be child in front of the loved ones. we want to behave like a child or at least act like. then we start growing up and no one treats you like that. like they do help you, care for you, scold you but never leave you for your mistakes. actually we just need to trust our feelings mutually, by being loved and loving.

sometimes i feel like there is something wrong with you and everyone. everyone is alone, no one understands you, see you don’t understand yourself, do you ? so you won’t understand anyone. stop trying. because we change like the ticking clock. like one stand comes to the same position again and again but the time isn’t the same. ahh, how much i hate time !

see, don’t give hope, if you love. teach them to deal with it. make them strong. results are never in your control. never goes with the plan. you know what, we have desires to be loved by the people even we don’t love. we may believe that we are searching for happiness in love but actually we are searching for familiarities as being children. even if you look at you past, you will see, they loved you a lot, even more than your present, but you were not comfortable with the pains that came with that love or the way of loving.

anyways, don’t keep wondering, why they love you ? maybe they see something in you that you don’t see or overlooked.