maybe life’s less romantic when I don’t want to die.
“maybe life’s less romantic when I don’t wanna die”
I always think about this line from Niki’s song, Backburner. The words linger and choke me up like I’m losing oxygen but at the same time it also sounds so ironic. Isn’t life supposed to be more romantic when you don’t think about your own funeral at two in the morning, imagining who will cry for you and who won’t? Isn’t life supposed to be more fun when you’re finally afraid to give up?
Even if it sounded weird at first, after pondering over this line multiple times, I realized that it’s actually true. Let’s set the record straight, do I wanna die? Yes. Am I thinking about it everyday? No, I guess. But damn, my wounds are always open, my stitches break, and the staples just … fall. Because of that, I over romanticize my life because all I could ever think about is how this pain is too much and I need to do something to gain from it — even if the happy meter never reaches its fully capacity. I romanticize my struggles all the time, faking optimism like it’s a skill because I need it so much.
I’m not saying that I was wrong for doing that because if I’m being honest, for me, it was better than therapy. I learned a lot from trying hard to see through it. I controlled my emotions, connected with my inner soul, and most importantly, I fought — hard. But I do wonder how it feels to not try so hard. To not force myself to fight because I’m not suffering ; because I’m okay.
I wonder how it feels to not want to die. I’ll be okay even if life becomes less romantic because that means I know bad days are normal.
Not craving for romanticism must be a good feeling. I’d have a plethora of good days to the point that the bad wouldn’t matter anymore. I’d have the courage to say: “the skies aren’t looking good today” without feeling like it’s my fault or that I deserved it. I’d acknowledge my mistakes better because for once, I don’t feel like a failure. So yeah, maybe life is less romantic when I don’t want to die.
But you know what? I’m still here. I over-romanticized and I’m still here. And if there’s one thing that I learned from it, maybe it’s the fact that there are going to be times in our life that it’s going to be uncomfortable, that it’s going to be so freaking hard but we can always work with what we have even if it’s not always a hundred percent authentic. You could be forcing yourself to smile today but at least you did, and you should be proud of yourself. It means you tried and trying is always a good thing.
Someday, life will finally be less romantic. Someday, it’s going to be “fine”. But for now, let’s hold on and never stop moving forward. Don’t feel bad about forcing things to work out for you, sometimes you’re really going to need it. Never feel bad about fighting for yourself, there’s no one who does it better than you.
Maybe life’s less romantic when I don’t want to die but if romanticism is the reason why I’m not bidding my farewell then let me sit here for a while.
“life will make sense soon”: we’ll repeat that until it’s finally true.
PHILIPPINE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINES:
Center for Health Development (Western Visayas)
Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1–800–10–333–8336 or 09985324047 or 09177759256 or 09255469919
National Center for Mental Health (NCMH) Crisis Hotline
Reach them at 0917–899-USAP (8727) or 7–7–989-USAP (827) for free mental health support.
Philippine Mental Health Association
Online counseling through their Official Facebook/Messenger or through pmhacds@gmail.com / 0917–565–2036
Natasha Goulburn Foundation (NGF)
Crisis hotlines at (02) 804-HOPE (4673), 0917 5584673, or 2919 (toll-free for Globe and TM subscribers)
In Touch Community Services
Crisis lines for relationship problems, addiction, abuse and other emotional problems at 09178001123 (Globe) or 09228938944 (Sun). You may also email them at crisisline@i-manila.com.ph
Living Free Foundation
Addiction, individual and marital counseling at 09173227087 or email them at livingfreefoundation@gmail.com
700 Club Asia
Prayer and counseling services via chat and Skype (02) 737 0700; 1 800 1 888 8700 (toll-free), 0949 888 8001; 0925 300 3000; 0917 406 5001; Skype: the700clubasia
