Having a child is not the same as having a job
As a mum myself, I have a confession to make: I detest when stay at home mums proclaim their full-time job as taking care of the kids (for the sake of simplicity, I’m just going to say “stay-home mums”, please don’t give a graphic designer grief about grammar).
First, hear me out: I have utmost respect for full-time stay-home mums because I know only too well the drama and exhaustion that comes from handling a small, demanding being 24/7. I work full-time in a corporate environment and cannot imagine doing half the work that stay-home mums accomplish.
When Steven Nelms wrote this touching letter to his wife last year, calculating the work she does as a stay-home mum in terms of a salary, he concluded that he couldn’t afford her. Unfortunately, after the letter went viral, what started as a husband’s humble love and respect for his wife became gleeful self-validation for stay-home mums all around the world.
Finally! A proven testimony that we are as valuable as, if not more than, working women! Look at the numbers, look at what he’s saying! Just because we are not earning income does not mean we are any lesser; in fact, we’re probably superior, because we are working for a greater purpose and asking for nothing in return.
No doubt Steven Nelms’ letter has been deliriously waved around by mums everywhere who feel undervalued, unappreciated, and unfulfilled in their role as a stay-home parent. Yes, I get that we are living in the age of gender equality. If society judges a man’s success and value by his income, it stands to reason that the same would apply to women, and so their need to validate their parenting role by comparing it to a full-time job is understandable.
Therein lies the problem, the value of what one is doing in life should not and cannot be determined by mere numbers, regardless of gender — but that is another story for another day.
It pains me deeply when my fellow mumsfolk feel the need to respond to questions like “So, are you working?” with an answer like “Oh, I have a full time job — looking after the kids!” followed by a laugh that leaves an awkward space in the conversation, which prompts the asker to quickly follow up with, “Oh yes, of course, taking care of children is really hard!”
Validated. Score. Win.
So what? You’ve proven your worth to an outsider whose opinion has no impact on your life. What matters is, are you satisfied with your life? This applies to everyone in all roles, not just stay-home mums. If you are happy with your life, why feel the need to measure it with the unit of someone else’s life? It should remain as unique and true to its nature as you are, measured only by how you perceive it.
I never knew how Steven Nelms’ wife responded to the letter. In this version of the letter, it states:
Getting a paycheck was a significant part of feeling valued and appreciated for all the hard work she did to provide for herself and help her family.
After Glory gave birth to their son Ezra, however, she had to give up her career to stay home with him full-time. Her sense of self-worth plummeted as a result.
She must be moved beyond words by his letter, but did it change anything for her? Did a sudden realisation of her worth light up inside her and she magically felt empowered and purposeful again? From what I’m seeing, somehow I doubt it.
Yes, she would feel incredibly loved and appreciated, but it would not have changed her sense of purpose and fulfilment in life. Being a stay-home mum and feeling fulfilled at the same time does not happen for just anyone. Much like how people are spurred on in life by outdoor adventures, travelling, video games, or even climbing the corporate ladder, a sense of purpose in life differs person to person.
Just because we are parents and love our children deeply, does not mean they have to be our driving force in life. In most cases, they are, but that’s not a given.
In the case of Mrs Nelms (and many other stay-home mums), if having a job and working, contributing to the household income in the real sense, is what truly makes them feel alive, a heartfelt letter calculating their worth in numbers is hardly going to cut it. To the husbands of these women I say this, let them work. If you truly love them, make it happen for them. Even if the numbers show that it is more cost effective for them to stay-home with the kids, let them go to work. Find a day-care, bring in the grandparents, do shared child care with neighbouring families… anything to make it possible.
(And to those who look disdainfully upon working mums who leave their kids in childcare, screw you! Again, another story for another day.)
Taking care of our children is a lifestyle, not a job. It is our personal choice (sometimes maybe not) and now our way of life. Others gym, do sports, play Pokemon Go, collect stamps — we take care of little human beings. There is no comparison, merely a different choice in life. It is not a job, which we are compelled to take on due to bills, ingrained adult reasonability, societal pressure, or (sometimes) passion.
If one feels the need to validate it as a full-time job, then perhaps there is a deeper unfulfilled need to integrate into society, to be part of something bigger. And that is perfectly fine. Admit it, say it, declare it. You don’t like staying at home, you want to be out there. Not because you don’t love your children, but because life is much more than that. Just because we’ve brought a new life to this world, doesn’t mean ours has to end.
To those who truly enjoy staying at home with the kiddies, quietly absorbing this unique and humbling experience that many can only wish for, I salute you. Be proud and confident of what you are doing. The next time someone asks, say it with conviction, no, you are not working. You are a stay-home mum.
And that, I believe, is enough said.
