5 REEEEEEALLY Practical Things That REEEEEALLLY Should Exist

1) A Custom Font for Sarcasm

I have spent years trying to develop the perfect balance of italics and “…” s to effectively translate sarcasm into text. I would gladly fund a Kickstarter to send a team of scientists, programmers and muscle into the deep jungle for six months to develop this Nobel Peace Prize worthy gift.

Update: Some have tried…but the fight is far from won.

2) Dual Horn Tones

There are places in the world where people will gladly wait up to 10, 20 seconds after a light turns green before honking their horn. I’ve been through at least 20 states in my time, and so far the longest I’ve found is .00000004 seconds. Then again, in my kindness, I've sat through entire cycles before the brake lights faded. All it would take is a second horn option…a “not-so-subtle clearing your throat” tone, and I’m driving through the light behind a thankful Sir/Miss and not a madman in a blind rage over “that impatient jackass" behind them.

3) The Thinking Man’s Facebook/Youtube

Just a placeholder name (pardon my non-inclusive language), but I would pay a monthly subscription in a heartbeat if I could watch Youtube or browse Facebook without seeing the comments, likes and dislikes, maybe even the view count, until I had the chance to watch or read a bit first. I found out recently that there are those who say Trevor Noah destroyed The Daily Show, that his ratings are tanking and we are witnessing the death of a great satirical legacy.

I’ve been watching since day one and quite enjoyed it.

Imagine what other music, movies, blogs, vlogs and opinion pieces were ruined because I never had a chance to have my own first impression...

4) Secure Our Swipe (S.O.S.)

Still workshopping names: Safety Net, Guard Dog, Gatekeeper…all I know is that billions of dollars in credit card fraud are just as much a part of the holiday season as sweatpants and diet pills. And while 99.9% of my worries have been dispelled thanks to chip technology (how’s that sarcasm font coming...?), I have an idea.

Why not have an app for every credit card that requires you to verify instantly any transaction that occurs beyond a certain balance? You set your limit at, say, $1000, and the second you swipe, you get a pop up on your phone. No waiting for the call the next day about “unusual spending”. On the spot, quick yes or no, and the card is either verified or shut down immediately. Yes, Simple Banking and Capital One Wallet are very close to this, and you can pay for stuff like Lifelock, but why is it just A thing and not THE thing?

5) Mandatory Psychology Training

I had a course in Sociology in college. A course. Just one. All of the other incredibly humbling, insightful, transforming knowledge I now have was found outside of that, on my own. That’s terrifying.

“What annoys you the most in other people is usually what you dislike about yourself as well”

“That person’s anger is about THEM, not about you”

“Everyone acts in a way that, at least in the moment, they think is most beneficial to them”

“At our core, we are tribal beings, and naturally prefer our own kind”

"Some people just want to watch the world burn"

There are so many lenses of wisdom that have helped me see myself and others more clearly and are now stashed in my relational tool belt to keep me from completely losing my mind when I hear about people protesting outside a mosque in Texas with automatic weapons.

Six hours of required mental health and psychology courses in college?
Mandatory yearly therapy and psychological evaluation?
Complete viewing of Boy Meets World required to graduate high school?

I know a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but as bad as complete ignorance?


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