ADDyourALL — A Journey

Thank you xkcd for being perfect.

When I was 15 my parents agreed to let me get tested for ADD.

Unfortunately they left it up to me to work out the details.

I never called. I never scheduled. I never got tested. And the years pass.

But the struggle’s been real and multi-layerd.

I first thought I had ADD (or ADHD) when I was in high school. If you don’t already know, I was homeschooled and for some kids with ADHD this works well because of the flexibility. But for me it was a struggle especially once I hit highschool and was essentially left to my own devices for my education (Hooray VHS tapes from Pensacola Christian School!). Do you know what happens when you leave a kid who potentially has ADHD to watch school videos and self-education? Well, a lot, but not watching videos and self-education.

So I asked my parents to look into the ADHD thing and they were receptive. This is a pretty amazing thing because during this time there were cries from many that ADD was being over-diagnosed and what kids really needed was “more discipline.” The fact that my parents went as far as to actually find someone for me to talk to was huge — despite the fact that neither of them actually remember this event. In fact when I recently asked them about it they both stared at me blankly and said “Really? We talked about that?” Now that I’m a parent of three that response makes complete sense to me.

Anyway, they got me a phone number but you already know how that story ends. I don’t call and I don’t find help. Instead, I continue to try to work through my school issues, fall into a pattern of failure which people attribute to laziness and not “trying hard enough” or not “applying myself.” As a result I cheat my way through the rest of my school years. I’m pretty sure I wrote about my downward spiral in previous post but if not someone please remind me and I’ll tell you that tale.

So I go to college after putting my life back together and the forced structure of school actually helps me excel. But….

I wait until the last minute to turn in ever single assignment. I get frustrated over nuanced things that bore me to tears like typing our notes that we already had written down on paper. I still have nightmares about forgetting which class is in what room. I get angry at myself for being lazy (Dude! I’ve had that assignment done for weeks! Why isn’t yours finished?? Jesus would have finished his by now *condescending look*). I can’t remember names, dates, or anything of detail. I can’t keep my stupid dorm spotless. And for the love of ALL THAT’S GOOD don’t get me started on sign-in/out sheets — seriously, I’ll rage out.

And all of these things follow me into my marriage and adult relationships. I’m telling you right now, if your birthday isn’t on Facebook I’m not remembering it. If you lie about your birthday on Facebook and then accuse me of not actually caring about you because I say happy birthday on the date you used on FB, I’ll cut you. As an adult I’m overbooking myself, over-extending myself, unable to sit through long (more than…15 minutes?) meetings without going mad unless I’m the one talking, and I still cram all of my note writing and sermon prep to the end of the week.

And then over the last year I met a Captain. And a Vulcan. And a Zombie. And a Renegade.

And this past Tuesday (5/17/16) I took my first dose of Adderall. 
So this series of posts, which will probably be scattered through my other posts, is the story of me dealing with ADHD.

Congratulations, Me. You’re not actually lazy.

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