Bored And Alone (Inspired by iSkys)
I look up at the ill faded stars every night as I try and distract my mind from reality. The light of the city makes it difficult to see the twinkling masses in all of it’s glory but, it’s better than closing my eyes and thinking about everything. I lay here on a park bench hoping no one comes and bothers me. Or worse tries to steal from me. But this is how I spend my nights, alone, looking for any escape from my reality. I work all day and save the money I earn so that I can get away from this place and maybe have a home some day.
All I have to my name is my suitcase of clothes and an old laptop. I worry about the laptop more than the clothes. I clutch it tightly every night so no one steals it. I’ve woken up before with my suit case riffled through and my money stolen. Even though this laptop is 6 years old, it’s all I have. Whenever I have internet and a quiet place to be, I use it to stream games. It’s one of my last remaining hobbies and I try and save the usage of my laptop as much as I can. It’s been really showing signs of ware and I don’t know what I would do if it died on me.
Living on the street isn’t a good time. This is probably my lowest point in my life. I work two jobs and nearly all of my money goes to the IRS or child support. I don’t tell anyone that I no longer have a home. I know I will get back on my feet soon. I just need to keep working and try harder.
I think the worst part about being homeless is the time you spend just waiting for the next day. I find a secluded place in the park near the bus station, lock up my gear, and just wait. No one to talk to, no real want to talk to anyone. I never feel good anymore. I look at where I am at and just feel low. Like, I can’t believe I let this happen. These thoughts take up most of the time I spend waiting to fall asleep, which is never easy out here. It’s cold even during the summer. And the benches are thick concrete.
Some people think that homelessness is always a product of drugs or alcohol. And that people out here aren’t aware of their situation because of how crazy and frighting they seem to the rest of the world. I know where I am at and I am well aware of how frighting my situation is. I don’t like being here and when I sit on this bench every night I can’t always fathom how I got here. Being homeless is such an different state of mind then just being poor. Having no shelter makes you feel like an outsider to the place you live. It’s as if you can’t even say I live “here” anymore because you don’t live anywhere. You feel lost and more alone then ever before. There is no comforting bed waiting for you after a bad day. There isn’t a loved one there to great you when you are done with work. You just have nothing. So you wait. You wait until the next day when you can work towards never feeling like this again. You try so hard but at the end of the day, you know there is still nothing there for you when you are done. You know where you will be and you only have to look forward to waiting again.
When I do get a chance to stream from my laptop, a lot of those feelings leave me. People in the chat are my friends and they always come back. There aren’t many of them but I feel like I know each of them well enough to call them my friends. I’m grateful that I at least have this to think about on those cold nights out. We play really fun, old games because my computer isn’t very good. We have moments that make us laugh and that excite us to the point of compulsion. Working as much as I do and then sometimes just not being about to find the connection I need, I don’t stream as often as I wish I could. One day I hope I can do this consistently, maybe even make a career out of it. That is a real shot in the dark, so I think I should just try and get off this bench first.