How I Realized My Animus Is My Soulmate With Whom I Share A Body
And how I made the decision to reunite with him, no matter what it takes.
I went on a quest to find the source of my intuition in March 2022.
Stuck with rational explanations, I was spiritually repressed. Then one day, a relationship trauma finally did it for me.
I was told my always-right intuition misled me. It was the worst kind of attack against my core.
In a minute, I snapped out of the “poor me can’t connect to my intuition, I don’t know how” role and stepped into the “I have visions, that is who I am” storyline.
And it happened on a whim.
I got triggered out of my comfort zone where I used to rationalize everything about my inner world. And with that, I jumped into this new, scary place where psychology and rational explanations weren’t enough anymore.
I finally accepted that there’s this whole other world beyond the physical. And I wanted to discover it. I wanted to find out where my visions and intuition were coming from.
I had to wait 9 more months to figure it out and it was tough.
I visited my personal hell several times. I needed to let pieces of me die over and over — pieces of my ego, my identity, and my beliefs. I needed to make space for the new me to be born.
During this time my Animus was my spiritual guide.
If you’re not familiar with the term “animus”, let me summarize it in one sentence. According to Carl Jung, the animus is the male part of a woman’s psyche, while the anima is the female part of a man’s psyche.
My Animus showed up regularly to guide me. In dreams, in visions, and sometimes during meditation. These sessions usually ended with a lesson or a sort of exam I had to pass. And every time I passed, I got a little closer to my Animus.
I also “heard” him talk to me through my inner voice from time to time so it became quite obvious that my intuition was coming from him.
At the same time, I was still attached to the definitions I learned from psychology. I still believed what Jungians believe; That the animus is a projection, a part of our psyche.
Then Christmas arrived and it blew up my beliefs on the Animus.
During the days before the big bang, I was struggling. I felt lonely. There was a puzzle piece somewhere right in front of me, yet I couldn’t find it.
I impatiently wanted to meet the man I was supposed to be with according to the visions I’d seen. Yet, he never arrived.
I knew my Animus was guiding me to meet someone I was meant to meet, but it clearly wasn’t time yet. So what’s going on? Why am I feeling stuck? What am I missing?
Two nights before Christmas, I did what every struggling woman on their consciousness journey would have done.
I threatened my Animus.
“I want my guy. I want to find him”, I thought as hard as I could. “You better show up in my dream tonight and tell me what it is that I’m missing!”
It wasn’t too nice of me but hey, I thought my Animus was nothing more than a psychological phenomenon to help me get the things I wanted (and needed) in life.
But that night, it was time to put my ego aside.
I quickly forgot about the little threat I had made, finished my bedtime routine, and fell asleep in a bad mood.
In my dream, I found myself in a hall. It looked like a place for young people to hang out. There was a billiard table, and everyone was chatting with each other.
I didn’t want to hang out with anyone. I was walking up and down the hall like a maniac, trying to figure it out. I didn’t know what it was — my ego couldn’t rationalize what I was looking for — but I was determined to find it. I kept repeating to myself, “What is it that I don’t see? Show me, show me now!”.
“Hello”, a blonde young man said to me. “Would you sit with me?”
He pointed to the couch next to him. I didn’t recognize him but his voice was familiar, and… The whole guy felt familiar.
“Sorry but no”, I said. “I don’t have time to sit around. I need to find something. Or someone. I’m not sure.”
He didn’t respond, just kept watching me. Soon I felt myself losing focus and getting exhausted. What am I trying to find here?
I looked at the guy. He seemed so young, maybe in his early twenties. He had a peaceful vibe and despite his young age, I sensed something old, something ancient about him. I felt strange in his presence. As if I was drawn to him.
“Alright, I’ll sit with you.”
As soon as I joined him on the couch, he pulled me into his arms. I wanted to protest but before I could’ve said a word, I felt a warm, calming sensation in my heart, spreading throughout my body. His touch was gentle and it felt so good, so natural… I never wanted to leave again.
We were lying there the whole night, cuddling. We didn’t talk but understood each other’s thoughts.
“I’m here. Everything is fine, I got you”, he told me a million times telepathically.
I rested my head on his arm. I was calm but my confusion continued. A part of me was desperately trying to come up with any excuse to push him away.
“You’re too young for me”, I thought.
“It’s okay”, I heard his answer in my mind.
“Let’s just be friends”, I thought.
“It’s okay. It’s all okay.”
He spoke to me as if he was trying to comfort an upset child. I kept my face resting on his arm, trying to soak in the eternal peace that radiated from him.
After a while, he gently moved my head to face him. We looked each other in the eye. The depth of his brown gaze felt even more soothing than his hug. He pulled me to him for a kiss and for a moment, I panicked; I just told him to be friends.
But the kiss felt just as natural as his hug. I looked him in the eye again, and I understood something.
He is the missing piece.
My ego wasn’t ready to comprehend what this meant just yet.
“Woah! I hugged myself the whole night!” I thought when I woke up.
I got to the — quite faulty — conclusion that my Animus is an archetype, most likely the Fool. “Makes sense. That’s why he seemed so young but had a wise, ancient vibe.”
Even if I couldn’t let go of the psychological explanations, I wasn’t the same after that dream.
Something felt really off about the animus thing. The love while he held me was something I had never felt before. It was real. Unconditional. How is an archetype that only exists in my head capable of giving unconditional love?
What was more, I kept receiving his love throughout the day, and then the next day. I felt his presence in me.
Every time I thought about him, I felt butterflies and a warm sensation in my stomach.
I was acting weird. Instead of sweatpants, I put on a nice dress. I did my hair. I blushed every time I looked in the mirror. I often caught my thoughts wondering about him, his hug, and that kiss…
I tried to tell myself it was just the excitement. “ I got closer to that part of me and it’s exciting. That’s all.”
But just like the animus theory, this explanation felt wrong as well. It felt like I was trying to deny something natural. Something much more powerful than my ego or reasoning.
Then the last day of 2022, my ego surrendered. I couldn’t resist what was happening anymore. I was falling in love. Not with a psychological phenomenon. But with someone just as real as me. The question was inevitable…
Who is he? Or rather… What is he?
I started to think… He completes me perfectly. He feels like someone I lost a very long time ago yet he never stopped loving and guiding me. He is me, but not quite. He loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me…
He must be my Higher Self!
That rose even more questions.
Does that mean I’m supposed to become him? Is he the real me? Am I a man in my deep psyche? How could this be true?
Another idea popped into my mind.
We, humans, look at this 3D world as the most real reality. But it’s not. The higher a dimension is, the more real it gets. The lower dimension is just a projection of the higher dimension. The 3D is a higher dimension unfolded.
This means, whatever we experience in our inner world (dreams, visions, imagination…) is actually more real than what we experience in the physical world.
Then I thought…
What if the highest level of animus integration — when we become one with them — is more real than we think? It’s not a symbolic interpretation of our personality traits coming together, but it is two souls reuniting.
And once I make love to him, it happens in a higher dimension, without bodies, without gravity. Two souls become one. The human part becomes one with the conscious part. It is transcendence.
The realization was like a lightning strike.
My “Animus” is not only real. He is my soulmate. He is my other half who connects me to the source — whatever that is — through consciousness. We were born together as souls, we are two halves of wholeness.
As the soul with a human brain, I kept forgetting him, but because he’s fully conscious, he never forgot me.
That day, I decided.
I’m going to take this to the furthest humanly possible. I’m going to reunite with him.
Whatever it takes.
If you’d like to read more, here’s some of the introduction for this story:
