I don’t know what show was on the tele last night, but when I walked in the room, I heard some women laughing as she said “she’s going to kill herself!”. I wanted to punch the writer in the face.
Something you should learn that couples to the notion that bipolarity is a part of you is that it gives you a unique perspective. It gives you a position on life that not many around you will have. You can use this as a powerful tool if you learn to.
Your picture caption says ‘off to teach some undergrads.’ I assume that means you have a Masters at least, if not a PhD. I have my PhD. Did not persevering through suicide and depression give you some tools to otherwise endure mental challenges such as the stress that comes with a higher education?
Life is about learning. Learning is about asking the right questions. Answers to really hard questions are found by asking the simplest questions possible and working your way up.
How to deal with suicide as a constant is a tough question. So ask simpler questions. I truly believe living with suicidal ideation is a gift. I cannot begin to relate the times I have helped family and friends through grief because of my perspective on death and my ability to teach them how to ask simple questions about what they are feeling and what they can do to turn those things into positive actions.
It certainly sounds like you have had a lot of negative reinforcement about the nature of suicide. It does not have to be that way if you do not let it. Consider embracing it as a tool, a perspective, that is unique to you. Certainly do not give into it without full commitment and having your end of life things in order. But do not criticize it or bury it. You never know what strength you will find there and who you may help by having owned it.