Letting Go and Becoming Wonder Woman

Sketch by my inimitable sister, Rachel Keane

It’s exactly a week before takeoff, and I’m feeling strangely serene. I’ve forsworn one of my greatest loves — coffee — in an attempt to improve the amount of sleep I’ve been getting over the past month. I soon realized that there could be no naps with coffee, and I had to make a crucial decision. No coffee until I quit working. I’ve been waking up at 5:30 every morning this month to teach madcap Chinese children English, and I’ve spent my afternoons teaching adults. It’s incredible to think that in a few days I will be immersed in the world of performance art again. It’s amazing to me that I will be doing nothing else.

Living with very little money has never been my cup of coffee. When I began saving money for this journey, I had no idea how to save. I was misled by a new English as a Second Language company I was teaching for, and I’d thought that I had it made. I would be rolling in it! If you’re working for other people as an English teacher, you can be sure you are never rolling in it. Unless of course by it you mean beans and rice. Or tears.

I learned the hard way and probably the only way. I can say now I don’t have credit card debt, and I have enough money saved for the long road ahead. I won’t, however, be able to spend money the way I have been used to spending it my entire life. No more days in overpriced coffee shops and bookstores. No more fitness memberships. No more eating out. No more Russian language lessons (Блин!). If it’s not free, the answer is no.

Wait, what are you doing? I’m moving from Atlanta, Georgia to Austin, Texas to take part in a 9-month interactive performance intensive aptly named the Interactive Deep Dive. Yep nine months like the amount of time it takes to have a baby. We’ll be working 9–5, Monday through Friday, August until April, to hone interactive performance techniques, master improvisation, and to develop interactive shows. Interactive means the audience has the opportunity to intervene or participate in the play in some way. Maybe you get to make some decisions about which direction the show goes in, maybe you find yourself playing the lead role in an improvised quest. “Interactor” isn’t a word that most people hear in daily life. It’s like being an actor, but so much more. An actor works with other actors. An interactor is trained to work with other actors and audience members.

Back to the trip. Packing is always a nightmare for me. I’m always, always missing something crucial and I’m always living between 2–3 places (which means I’m constantly packing). The last time I went to Athens (GA) I literally didn’t pack anything but my computer for teaching, and even that was a chore. Yeah, it was a bad and arguably gross decision.

I’ve also had to pare down all the stuff that I’ve accumulated over 23 years of a privileged life — and guys, it’s a LOT. I have gotten rid of stuff in 3 waves so far. The first wave was a frenzy inspired by Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things on Netflix. I started watching it and literally started packing bags and boxes for Goodwill halfway through it, the documentary urging me forward in the background. The leader of the program I’m doing in Austin, Jeff Wirth, has decided to fit everything he owns into two suitcases and has already given the rest away to charity and friends. Noble as fuck. His blog, two suitcases, is inspiring the fourth wave.

Why is it so hard to give things away? Jeff posits that the clothes that “legitimized” him were the most difficult to toss out. The clothes that make others respect you and give off the impression you hope to inspire. I’m having a similar problem. The clothes I want to keep (but that have to go) are some of the clothes that make my identity known. They make others see me the way I want to be seen: my decorations. Some of these clothes will have to go to make room for the clothes that suit the work we will be doing. It was amazing to realize that, through advertising, our identities have become wrapped up in what we wear. It’s not that expressing your aesthetic is bad — it’s fun! It’s just that it’s not essential to being who you are. You are you whether or not you have that pair of shoes or have the coolest outfit in the room. Those things are extras, and they cannot compare to you.

In every coming of age story, there is a letting go. In Wonder Woman, Hippolyta (Wonder Woman’s mother) says, “You know that if you choose to leave, you may never return.” Wonder Woman replies simply, “Who will I be if I stay?” This struck a chord. I found myself asking the same question. There comes a time in every young person’s life when it’s time to leave home and become who they are meant to be. A BUILDING SMASHING, TIGHT CLOTHES WEARING, DAVID THEWLIS-SLAYING SUPERHERO. Working on it.

This is exactly what I aim to do during these 9 months. I remember when I was first discussing the Deep Dive with Jeff. He asked me why I would want to do it. What was I looking to get out of it? I said, “I want to be a badass. You know what I mean?” Luckily Jeff is the kind of person you can say that to, and he will know exactly what you mean. The word badass has evolved tastefully into fearless.

It may be surprising (for those of you who know me) to learn that I have been overwhelmingly plagued by fear my entire life. The first time I remember having performance anxiety onstage was when I was 11 years old. I was playing guitar and singing Landslide onstage with my dad for a neighborhood festival, and promptly ran away crying after the song ended. I thought that I had sucked.

Another memorable moment was the intermission for a production of The Great Gatsby I was doing in college at the Gainesville Theatre Alliance. During intermission, one of my best friends walked in on me sitting in the rehearsal hall, staring straight ahead, and trying to calm down.

“Are you alright?” he asked delicately.

“I think I’m experiencing stage fright. I’ve never had stage fright in a play before.”

The music for the second act came over the loud speakers and I ran (still in tears) straight from the rehearsal hall onto the stage for the dance number at the top of Act 2. It was exhilarating to say the least.

What are we afraid of? Why? How can we change our relationship to fear and free ourselves from invisible burdens? Good question.

Over the next nine months, I intend to explore these questions for myself and for others through research and experience. Let’s take a walk.

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