Aha! Locus of control! There’s a word for what you’re describing and it’s so tremendously useful.
What I found, for what it’s worth, was that the concept of locus of control showed me where I was finding happiness and where I really wasn’t. Part of this had to do with people denying me the resources I needed to do what I wanted — while I still could; disability is fun that way! Becoming more disabled over the years has been its own exercise in learning to embrace that internal locus of control: what are the decisions I can make? Am I deciding in a way that doesn’t paint me into a corner? When I choose to hand the reins to someone else, do I choose the circumstances wisely?
Depending too heavily on someone else’s decisions made me desperately unhappy. I learned I couldn’t plan around someone else’s future. I had to plan around my own, and if our futures meshed, that would be lovely. When our futures kept diverging instead, I saw the right path forward.
I hope the future looks brighter for you. Ani DiFranco said it best: one step at a time is an acceptable plan.