“Hey b.
“How are you?”
That was the text. Only that instead of giving an automated “great”, or my improvised “quite well”, this time, I thought about the question. And I did not have an answer. I am not sure how I am doing.
My head aches a little. I sleep too late. Then I study through most of the day. I sit on that dining table and flip through texts, until my back hurts. I spend some 8 hours on it, and I still do not finish. I secretly wonder if Law School is far more arduous for me, if everyone else is experiencing thesame difficulty. Or maybe they do not know what it is about yet. Waoh, even worse.
When it ends, I just want JPEGs from my crush. But she prefers endless bouts of shalaye. Sigh.
People talk about how Covid-19 ruined their 2020 plans, and I cannot relate. Realistically, I did not have plans. No, not in the plural. A Law School year is a Law School year. But when you are me, a person who lives for versatility, it is more frustrating. All the time, you wonder about everything you could be doing instead.
Lockdown is a little bearable, only because I remind myself that everyone else is home. The world is not moving past me, we are on standstill together. But all this time alone introduces new problems for my head. Oh, I am alone most of the day. Sometimes, I make two sentences. “Welcome!” to my mother, and “Amen!” to the evening prayers.
I like to think. But I hate to have all the time in the world to do it. Because when you think as far as me, things can become depressing quickly. You question essence. What happens after law school? A job. Ehen? I have a mental picture of how events will unfold after this. And it is not that exciting. There is no rest even. Adulthood is a sham. I want out.
Then, I feel some insidious darkness inside of me. It is worrisome. Sometimes, it presents itself as disgust. Sometimes, rage. Always, arrogance. We are in isolation but my quiet intolerance for other humans is wild and spilling. Everything disgusts me because now I have the time to notice everything. And typically, my brain stores information quickly and replays it to me over and over. I watch other people, and I am finally convinced about my intellectual superiority. I am convinced that I am surrounded by hopeless idiots. According to me, there is so much “clownery”.
I got tired of muting, I began to delete phone numbers. These stupid, stupid opinions on WhatsApp. These “performativeness” on Instagram. God, the identical LinkedIn posts. Fucking wimps. And these emails from restless children about webinars. I am done with webinars for fucks sake!
I am trying to gather a little love in my chest but I cannot find it. And damn, a few persons have hurt me. You find out that I am proper and soft on the inside so you exploit it. Well, now its anger and chaos. I am yanking off elementary designations from my bios because I am running mad with questions. I am questioning everything that I am. Is this feminism, or is this a circus? I am breaking my own principles with reckless abandon. I fantasize about evolving, into something minimalist, egotistic, scornful and dark. Maybe I will smoke a little. Or whatever people do to stop their heads from spinning.
Of course, I will not lose faith in my tendency to get over my stupid self. Go away, do not pretend to “check on me”. Everyone who contacts me these days wants something. But today, I feel more pressed than ever to share my extant conception of myself. What I think today. Before I become something else.
I capture my life’s essence in a set of convictions, conveniently abbreviated as WOW— “Will, Options and Words”. You must have heard of these. Today, I will finally explain. It took me 5 months to finish this post. Even though I did most of the writing today. Because I had to. I hate this post.
You may say, like my “friend” hurtfully did, that the following are false, inconsistent with my reality. First of all, fuck you. You don’t know me. Second, you may be right. But by God, this is who I try to be, what I try to believe.
We can be ourselves
Because we are enough. I do not speak about self-love, because it is trite. Do I get to hate the one self I have? I do not understand envy. Why would I want to be anyone else? There are qualities and opportunities I consider desirable. But it does not erode my belief— that I am king in my own kingdom. And that regardless of how glittery they are on the surface, everyone has problems. I prefer mine.
I think that self-esteem determines the quality of our lives, that too many are stuck in the circus of validation. They overthink. They do unnecessary things, to fit in, to impress others. I validate myself. And I prefer to not hinge self-esteem on anything external— possessions, looks, intelligence etc. These things are temporal so people who depend on them lose confidence when they deplete. My self-esteem should be hinged on permanence— my being and my values.
I am 23, Yoruba, Nigerian. I was raised on the streets of Port Harcourt. My parents are middle-class. I am a law student, struggling with expectations, running from poverty, maxing my opportunities. It is what it is. We cannot change our background. The future though is ours to create. And we can be more.
We can be more
Because we are not enough. It is a motivational paradox— that we are as inadequate as we are adequate. Greatness does not come from adequacy but from inadequacy. Greats realize the difference between who they are and who they wish to be. They then work to fill the gap. Here, the implication of “more” is not reliant on our comparison with others, but on comparison with our limits. The question is not whether we are doing better than others, but whether we are doing our best.
We are capable of more. We can aggressively commit to self-improvement. We can live enhanced lives on all sides. I believe that to improve, we need clarity and discipline. We need to know what we want and we need to do. We need to set clear, patient and realistic goals. Then we need to stick to daily routines. And achievements are not ours to dwell on. We must appreciate the moments, but there is always a next thing. We should not dwell on failures either. We can keep trying.
Oh, I have high standards. Until you earn your stripes you won’t be blessed within my presence. If it is not good enough, it is not. If it can be better, it should.
Finally, we can give more. We can be incredibly valuable people. We can contribute more to our organizations, and in our relationships. We can offer to help. We can impact.
Our dreams are valid
We should dream. Because those who think they can change the world are those who do. Our goals should terrify us. And everytime we think “why?”, we must reply ourselves with a prompt “why the fuck not?”. Regardless of our background, we can become whatever. If it has never been done, we can be pioneers.
I fight mental limitations. So I prefer to not believe in things like genius or predestination. Or dumb shit like star signs. We must not reserve certain possibilities for certain people based on some (super)natural, undeserved attribute that we think they possess. We must not disqualify ourselves. No, our destiny is in our hands. No, we act the way we want.
I fight societal limitations. I militate against poverty and inequality. Because even the audacity of a dream is fueled by privilege. Simply, we cannot become what we have never seen. The poverty around us limits our aspirations. So do gender roles. Or a lack of relatable role models to look up to. This is the bedrock of my feminist inclinations.
When we finally achieve, we must inspire. We must tell candid, relatable stories. So we can empower people with similar backgrounds. That is how it works. An African superhero is more imaginable because there is a Black Panther. And so on.
We must be legitimate
I do not trust speakers who fail to spice motivation with morality. Regardless of how keen we are to succeed, we should remain honest. Particularly, we should not lie, steal, cheat. We must be just and transparent in our dealings. There are schoolmates I do not speak to anymore because I once caught them misappropriating. The same idiots who rant about the government. Meanwhile, the difference between corruption in small spaces and corruption in large spaces is opportunity.
Lives are ruined everywhere there is corruption. Somebody steals the budget for roads, health, or education. So people die unnecessary deaths, people become unable to determine their own destiny. Well, Nigeria’s horrible leaders are a fair representation of its population. The least I can do to keep hope alive is behave better. I am flawed. I beg God to keep me straight.
Finally, we must preserve the independence of our perspective. So when people reach out to say how much they agree with my expressed opinion on a subject, I am always reserved with my response. Why? You may not agree with me tomorrow. And I do not want to seriously consider agreeability when I write. When it is time for your table, it must come down.
We can be practical
People consider me expressive. Some confuse this for emotive. So they are shocked by how brutal I get with opinions and decisions. While it is healthy to be in touch with one’s emotions, rational decisions are premium. Emotional decisions ruin lives. If we are always led by how we feel in the moment, we will certainly underachieve. We are not meant to do what we want to do, but what we need to do. Even when we follow our passion, consistency and mastery can not depend on our mood. We are born creative. We make masterpieces when we develop the discipline to direct creativity.
Dogma does as much damage. I am convinced that our proclivity to question will improve the quality of our lives. We must be pragmatic. We must ask why? Why do we do it this way and not that way? Does this really work? In the end, it is not about how pretty it looks on paper, but how effective it becomes in practice. We must connect cause and effect. We must always assess. If the sentence does not move the narrative forward, I delete it. If a thing is not compatible with my goals, I remove it.
We can choose our fucks
Some of us are obsessed with perception, so we paint this incorrect, stressful image of ourselves. We are terrified of failure, we want to always seem gracious. But is that realistic, productive? If I fall face flat, I want to unashamedly rise again. I am imperfect, but so is everyone. And sometimes I just want to be silly, unconventional, without worry.
With my hustle, I have no shame. I am an extrovert by compulsion. I cannot be hesitant about this money. So I show up, and promote. If I go broke, you will not feed me. And if I am broke, I am. I do not owe you appearances.
And oh, resisting the urge to shalaye is indeed divine. So I have learnt how to ignore. My attention is mine. I should give and take it as I please. My space is mine too. Instead of blaming people for what they churn out, I focus on what I let in. I quietly mute, unfollow, block, delete.
Falling out with people is sometimes inevitable. What should happen next? Revenge? Eww, no. Too much energy in that. Just fortification, and safe distance.
I see that I cannot be friends with everyone. Thesame way I cannot do everything. Opportunity cost hurts, but it is no superstition. And to focus, we have to be decidedly blind to some things. Ultimately, all that matters are my values, a few good people and the main plan. Am I on course? If yes, I am doing great. It does not matter what you think of me now.
We can be many things
In 2015, a friend randomly asked, “David, what do you want the most from life?” My eventual response was “to have options…” This perpetual resolve stems from a deep discontent with my childhood, a story about my father that I will not tell right now. But most of my life I have been worried about the baskets for my eggs. You can tell that I am never satisfied. I want alternatives.
I want to write, about everything. I want to host events. I want to play musical instruments. I want to become the perfect law graduate, fantastically equipped. I want to learn some designing and some analytics. And some business. I want to have robust savings, in case I need to vex. I want to have mulitiple income sources.
Again, I think the narrative about predestination is bullocks. I refuse to singularize purpose. We can be many things. Besides, the most creative results are a product of disruptive combinations. We can combine skills to become something new. And/or, we can win on different fronts. (So Donald Glover is my spirit animal). Always, I talk down narratives about the many impossible things that we have to sacrifice to become what we want. We can find balance.
We can find balance
While we expand our options, we need to find balance. Or else, we could implode. There is also that danger of being a master of no trade. So, we need to decide on the quotents. Maybe a lot of one thing, and a little of some others.
I preach about goal-setting all the time. Because this is the way. Planning entails reducing your long-term goals to daily, practicable bits. I want to be this in 5 years? Great. So, what do I need to do today, to get even closer?
I believe in becoming a well rounded person. So I try to set well-rounded goals, along lines I refer to as “spheres”. The result is academic goals, professional goals, physical, reading, writing, social, charitable and skill acquisition goals. I hope that I do not have to forego important parts of my life in order to succeed. So, I believe that setting daily to-dos for all my spheres will make me well-rounded.
Sigh. People slander sleep. But how well do we use the day? Honestly, there has never been a phase in my life (yet) where the day was not enough to work. Except for the times when I wasted the day and was forced to compensate. We can schedule better.
We can and must learn
You must know that one of my favourite catchphrases is “You know nothing, McCoy” and “I nor sabi, I wan sabi”. It truly depresses me— how ignorant I am. I always see the things that I do not know. I get rude shocks. And I appreciate them. I want to know. I want to speak informedly about things. I want to write better. Law school disgusts me because it monopolizes time — to gain new knowledge and learn new skills.
We can learn. We must learn. Mediocrity is unforgivable. Especially when it finds expression in an acute unwillingness to learn. I reject the Nigerian definition of humility. That one that requires us to perform modesty. I theorize that humility entails willingness— to learn, to admit error and to seek help.
We must learn new behaviour. Life has taught me that it is the worst people who say things like “It is just how I am”, “I need somebody to love me at my worst”. No. We can learn respect and empathy. We must not underestimate our potential to improve.
Everything is explainable
A consequence of the sheer power of words is their explanatory use. Explanations are so important. I believe that they are always possible too. I once wrote that with adequate potions of will, honesty and vocabulary, everything can be explained.
But there is an art to this communication and I am keen on it. I am always insistent on correct and complete information. Also, candid and practical advice. Oh, I hate to hear that “aspire to inspire so you don’t expire” shit. Or advice that is so personal, it is impractical. Or “na God oh”. No! We must give the 411 in pruned, organized bits.
I used to make the mistake of thinking that something is as apparent to others as it is to me. Meanwhile, I often have more clarity. I can for-see results and draw up plans. I can develop and organize content. I spend half the day theorizing.
The necessary result of this is responsibility. My best chance at impacting the world is in developing theories about concepts and explaining them clearly to others. So I know that I will keep teaching. Once I learn something new, I should share the knowledge with the next interested person. Because knowledge is meant to be shared. And we are meant to die empty.
God is in the details
What does excellence entail? Is it hardwork? Is it genius? Is it achievement? Is it consistency? I often wonder. What is the basic ingredient of excellence? And oh, my conclusion is always thesame. Meticulousness. An obsessive attention to detail.
“God is in the details!” The proprietor of my secondary school uttered these words in some sermon, in 2010? And they are perhaps the most important words I ever heard. They made me. Because appreciating, and perfecting the details is everything we need to cultivate excellence. He would walk about with a refillable pen and jotter. He would write everything there. He knew everyone’s name. He had the architecture of the entire school designed from the very start.
I still write everything. I plan and time everything too. Things do not always go accordingly but it is a better life. I was angry when I wrote this piece. I did not want to. But I read everything at least 10 times. Because my diction, and punctuation must be precise. And because I have to limit errors.
No, I can not look away. It is not just a tiny error. We must correct it. We will not get better when we get bigger. If we cannot be faithful with the little things… Whenever we can afford perfection, we will ensure it. And whenever we cannot, we will come as close as we can.
Words are powerful
I came for souls, I will have souls.
If you read me enough times, I might convert you to my WOW religion. These words are my own. But I hope that they strike chords in you. I hope that my vulnerability grants you some strength. I hope I can influence your emotions somehow. Some humor, some beauty, some call to action. I want to be resonance itself.
One of my life’s missions is to communicate exactly what I mean. I want to describe and explain as closely as plausible. Words are the vehicle so I practice them. I want to carve the perfect mental picture in your head. I hope that someday, our hearts beat in consonance.
I believe that nothing is more powerful than words. The best speeches and pieces can influence a generation. I also believe that content is immortal. I will meet a certain death at some point, we all will. I hope that people remember me, that they can come here to read my pieces. I hope that this way, I stay alive.
You must know that I existed. You must have a sense of what it is like to be me. You must remember that on a hot Sunday afternoon, I hurriedly explained my life’s mantra, in a bid to preserve it. To carve 12 commandments in unbreakable stone, before my temper (and these fucking Israelites) cause me to ground them into dust.
Sigh. I must now return to the mountain.
Goodbye.
