When your art speaks
I started painting today. I had something specific in mind. The more paint I applied, the less my idea was coming together. I took a moment and stepped back. Upon looking at my canvas again, I was overcome with feelings and emotions. Although my piece was not finished, I could see the beginnings of something that made me feel, made me understand, made me hold my breath. It wasn’t because my canvas was that breathtaking, trust me. It was just some messy swirls on the canvas; but in that moment, I understood art and artists. I understood that it is pure, raw emotions threshed out. It is love, hatred, sadness, hurt, pain, joy, happiness and more.
As I follow this road, this season of depression, I am sometimes asked what it is like; what am I experiencing. I recall blissfully ignorant times where I would have asked the same questions. Times where I had not been touched my this giant of oppression. Those times have long since been removed, and I am quite familiar with my constant companion. This painting spoke to me about a life with depression. I know not everyone will feel the same, but for now, this expresses me. It’s wild and messy. Darkness almost overtaking the light.
As i was painting, I kept adding paint, kept trying to make it better, make it cleaner and nicer. In that moment, I realized it’s what I have been doing with my life as well. I have tried to tuck away my broken pieces. I have tried to “tidy up” and hide myself so that no one knows. I have tried to appear “ok” and “normal”. It was in that moment that I grabbed my water and started to splatter on the canvas. The light and dark mix and mingle, swirling together in ways that are chaotic, yet beautiful. I may not have it all together, but I am altogether me. I am not neat. I am not tidy. I am messy and wild. I am a work in progress. I don’t look like anyone else ( although I always try to appear like you.) I can only ever be me. You think I would have learned that well into my 3rd decade on this planet.
If you are struggling tonight, know it’s ok. If you are hurting tonight, know it’s going to be ok. I promise. Those aren’t trite words just being spoken to appease you. I know the darkness; I know the light too. There’s usually more darkness than light at this season, but I know the light exists. When the darkness is overwhelming, God has always given me a ray of hope, a bright speck to cling to in the darkness.
I’m still trying, still fighting. Everyday is a battle, everyday is a struggle. I don’t always want to keep trying, but God has helped me to not give up, to not let the darkness overcome the light.
All the fighting, all the effort, all of the battles mean nothing if we don’t speak up and love each other. That’s honestly all we have in this life. It’s why I speak out and share these personal issues. I’m broken, you’re broken, we’re all broken and it’s ok. Please stay around for more light, more sunshine, more moments of laughter that make you forget, even for a second. Please stay around for love, for kindness, for joy and happiness. Please stay around for you and all the greatness that is ahead. Let’s celebrate everyday things together. Let’s honor the little moments that help us through. If you haven’t heard it today, you are loved and needed. Please know that. xoxoxo
Here’s to beautiful messes like you and me ❤ I’ll see you tomorrow sweet friend.