2016: The Year I Start Wearing Socks (and other Hygiene Related Activities)

As I prepared to do a comedy gig on New Years Eve, I thought about some things I could be doing in 2016 if I want to be taken seriously as an ‘Adult Woman’ as I enter my 30s:

1. Socks (FML)
2. Change my sheets (ugh it’s so hard)
3. Stop dating homeless guys (obviously)

Wear Socks With My Low Cut Shoes

Hey, wasn’t sure if you noticed, but your socks are showing….

I’m so against this because I feel like socks ruin my outfits by being hideous. But, I’m tired of ending my work day, peeling my adorable loafers, pumps, ballet flats, etc off my feet, and dealing with the smell.

You know the smell…it’s like…you know when you take out your belly button ring or earring and smell the backing? No?

OR, it’s like…you know when you go to your parents’ house for the weekend to do laundry and you get a load in the wash but then you decide to head back to the city because the guy you liked asked you out on a last minute date so you call your mom the next day after the laundry has been soaking in water for over 24 hours and ask her to put it in the dryer and she does but then when you wear the clothes to work everyone sniffs because they vaguely smell mildew and it’s totally you? (PS LONGEST SENTENCE EVER) Anyways, that’s what wearing shoes with no socks is like.

The reason this is a big deal is because 1. I’ve started dating more seriously and I want to be thought of as a lady, not a teenage boy. and 2. my friends who are newly weds keep inviting me to social events at their houses for dinner and to show off the new composite wood floors they installed themselves. And they’re all like, ‘We’re a shoeless home now.’ Great. Good for you. You’ve got a husband, a home, composite wood floors, two cats. You know what I’ve got? This baller ass outfit, completed by these baller ass shoes which I am not taking off! (Ok, where should I put them.)

Editor’s note: I wrote this in January, wearing adorable monk strap loafers with….no socks. I’m a loser.

Dirty Sheets, Dirty Girl (Adult Acne)

Me every night, microscrubbing and praying I don’t have crabs.

So, I did something in 2015 that I’ve always wanted to do; I got a puppy. A big monster, slobbery, dirty bitch of a puppy (she is currently weighing in at 63lbs at 10 months). Prior to this acquisition, I had white sheets. Also prior to this acquisition, I didn’t have to make excuses when I invited a guy to sleep over. It doesn’t help that my dog takes after me and gets a ton of UTIs, goes to the beach like 3 times a week and then sleeps in my bed when she gets home.

FUN FACT: Dirty sheets means break outs. That…is not very ‘Adult Woman’-ish.

Anyways, I have like…a few other hygiene related activities I’m working on…like wiping better, and umm…you know, not using my Mirena as my only form of birth control.

Good luck with being an Adult Woman, everybody! xoxo

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