True Story: Comedian Hannibal Buress and I aren’t BFF and I’m sad :(
I mean, I know I’m not the only person following a celeb on Insta or Twitter who has over time begun to think that they know this person and ‘would totes be BFF IRL’…right?
Like many millennials, I have the delusion that I am interesting (and talented) enough to be famous OR fuck a famous person — specifically comedian Hannibal Buress. But I’m not!!!!! And that makes me sad!!!
This is a cautionary tale for those of you out there dealing with delusions of intimacy.
I was abruptly and painfully confronted with this stark and depressing reality on Thursday, October 29th, around 10pm in San Jose.
The backstory:
It was Tuesday night and I was lying semi comatose on the couch in my living room, in the dark, watching ANTM with my wine in a mason jar with a straw within sipping distance if I turned my head minimally a little to the left. I grabbed my laptop and checked Facebook first — opening a new browser always requires a Facebook quickie first (FB BAE) — and I saw that this one local comedian who I know (whose name rhymes with Stroy Moyd) was going to open for Hannibal Buress at the San Jose Improv for the next 3 days. My heart skipped, like, a bunch of beats.
I KNOW THIS GUY. HE KNOWS HANNIBAL. I CAN KNOW HANNIBAL!
First of all, do you even know who Hannibal Buress is? He’s this guy:
He was on the Eric Andre Show
He wrote for SNL & 30 Rock
He’s an amazing standup comedian
And he’s on one of my FAVORITE SHOWS called Broad City on Comedy Central — it’s about 2 super hilarious and delusional Jewish girls trying to make their way in NYC (hits home)
In my Sauvignon Blanc stupor I started fantasizing about meeting Hannibal. I mean he’s on a show where he dates someone Jewish and funny and a hot mess (I’m Jewish!! I’m a hot mess!! I’m…awkward but definitely funny!!). I thought to myself, “he’s going to love me!!” So I bought 1 ticket for the show (I hunt better alone) and wrote on my comedian friend’s Facebook wall that I was going to be at his show. He ‘liked’ it.
Here are the 2 scenarios I imagined as the only possible outcomes:
Scenario 1:
The show happens. I text Stroy and say, “Hey! You killed it! And Hannibal is hilarious!” and he would reply, “Thanks girl! Come hang with me and the other comedians! I’ll introduce you to Hannibal.” And then I’d go and meet up with them. I’d be introduced to Hannibal, I’d shake his hand and look him in the eye and we would have amazing sexual chemistry/vibez. When it came time to leave the venue, they’d all invite me to the after party/bar and I’d go and then Hannibal and I would banter all night and I’d take him home with me to SF.
Scenario 2:
All the same as Scenario 1 but instead of sexual vibez so he won’t come home with me but we will literally be BFF.
I honestly thought Scenario 2 was the ‘worst case scenario.’ I was so wrong.
Leading up to the meeting:
Delusions continued to run hot when Hannibal tweeted that to get free tickets to his show just ‘film yourself squeezing ketchup into a sink and singing E 40 lyrics super loudly.’ I tweeted something super witty back and he replied!! Ground work laid.
I got to the show. I watched the show. I texted my comedian friend. He texted back. The show ended. Everything was going EXACTLY as I had planned in my head!
I walked out into entrance hall hoping to find Hannibal and my friend who opened for him hanging out together. They were not. In fact, there was a huge line to meet Hannibal and my comedian friend was off in the corner with his friend, just chillin’. I went up to them and took a selfie and tried to buy time but it wasn’t working. The line was huge and I ran out of things to say in casual conversation.
I was going to have to take destiny into my own hands so there was only one thing to do: get in line.
I got in line. But I wanted to continue building my silent rapport from a distance so I kept a foot in line to save my place and I stood mostly adjacent to the line so that I could make seductive, knowing glances at Hannibal before we met.
Let me back up for a sec and provide another detail for how delusional I was. I drove down to San Jose and when I was parking, I realized that my car was messy so I moved all the crap into the trunk. I legitimately contemplated the possibility of HANNIBAL BURESS being a passenger in my car. Are you embarrassed for me yet?
Ok so the line is moving. Everyone is greeting Hannibal and taking pictures. I’m making eyes (hopefully). And I get to a place where there is a couple in front of me and I realize that I have forgotten to rehearse the most frightening piece of the puzzle…
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO SAY TO HANNIBAL?
Shit. Shit. Shit. I am not good at improv conversations. I am that person who meets a new person, shakes their hand, and doesn’t even hear the ‘My name’s X’ because I’m trying to think of the next logical thing to say.
I realize I have probably 2 minutes until I’m face to face with this stranger so I try to think. Everyone keeps saying ‘You’re so funny’ so I’ll just say ‘Does everyone always say you’re so funny?’ And I feel pretty ok with this option.
The couple in front of me is about to take their last picture (and I try to gain visibility by giving the photographer bunny ears) and I wait until it’s my turn.
I blew it right away.
Here is what happened:
Me: Hi! [shakes Hannibal’s hand]
Hannibal: [shaking my hand] No one has shaken my hand in over 24 hours.
Me: [Panicking because this isn’t part of the script!] Uhh, sorry! It’s probably because I just came from work!
Hannibal: How’s work going?
Me: Oh you know, good. [awkward pause] How’s work going for you?
{Hannibal replies but I can’t hear because my brain is screaming at me for being a fucking idiot and then it shuts down because the ensuing conversation is so embarrassing that if I were to remember it in it’s entirety, I would never recover}
{I come out of the blackness right before I am about to leave the building}
Hannibal: Don’t worry about it.
Me: Ok. [insert awkward pause] Thanks! [walk out building shoulders up to neck, face bright red and looking down, and feet moving really fast]
The flashbacks:
I got back to my car and started having painful flashbacks which lasted for the entirety of my drive home — a drive of shame. So painful were these flashbacks, that I actually groaned aloud, multiple times, alone in my car.
- I tried to ask Hannibal my planned question of “Does everyone just tell you you’re funny” but I was stuttering so much that he interrupted me and said “Thank you!” because he thought I was just trying to say, “you’re so funny.”
- I also told him he was an influence on me and that I was, as I put it, “dabbling in comedy myself.” And I mentioned that I knew the guy who opened for him.
- I also mentioned that I “got into comedy when I accidentally dated a homeless person” and then I corrected myself and said that I “purposefully dated him, but didn’t know he was homeless.” This part is hazy but I think Hannibal said something about me being a philanthropist or something.
- I basically started doing my bit for him about the homeless guy (“I couldn’t tell if he liked me for me, or my food and shelter”)
- I told Hannibal that I was “sorry, I’m totally fangirling right now.” I told him this at least 3 times.
- I asked in a very awkward way if we could take a selfie. We took the selfie but he is so far away from me, a photo bomber in the background looks like they’re in the photo.
- I tried to pre-emptively wrap up the conversation that he was trying to wrap up and I said, “ok well, sorry, and thank you, and I’ve got to go — long drive up to San Fran!” (I never say San Fran) and that’s when he replied, “don’t worry about it.”
What I learned:
- I’m not going to comedy shows alone anymore.
- I need to cut my hair, change my name, and move.
- Hannibal Buress is not going to be my best friend and that’s a reality. :(((
- I think that might be all that I learned.
