The Principles of RIE Parenting
The basics of this approach to parenting and how it works for me.
RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educaring. This organization was founded by Magda Gerber in 1978. Magda taught parents and caregivers to see babies as a whole person; and as such they are capable of understanding more than us adults give them credit for. In order to ensure quality respectful care for babies and children, RIE encourages the following principles:
Basic trust in the child to be an initiator, an explorer, and a self-learner.
We can trust our babies, even as young as a few days old, to take the lead on curating their own “entertainment.” The baby industry would have you believe that you need a million and one toys and devices to help your child learn and grow — especially ahead of schedule. Magda Gerber taught that babies do not need mobiles hanging over their crib because their eyes are seeing everything in their room for the first time. Everything is new and exciting and must be studied! I also resonate with the idea of teaching our children to enjoy the simple things in life: playing outside, listening to a thunderstorm, watching how the light bends in through windows and creates rainbows on the floor. Nature is entertaining enough — and it’s free! I find it helpful to take a step back from our own points of view and imagine we are seeing everything for the first time as infants and toddlers do.
An environment for the child that is safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing.
You’ll want to setup a yes space* for your baby. This is an enclosed space that you can leave your baby unattended for a few minutes while you load the dishes, use the restroom, or step away for any given task that needs accomplished. We don’t have to carry our babies with us into every room we visit throughout the day. Giving our babies a yes space creates a familiar environment for them to start exploring and a sense of predictability with that environment, and predictability is key to helping our babies thrive. Start small and allow your space to evolve as your baby grows.
I’ve had about 5 different iterations of a yes space in my house over the years. We had a pack and play setup in our living room for my daughter when we brought her home from the hospital. That was her main yes space until she was about 3 months old and started to wriggle around a bit more. I noticed her arms beginning to stretch out more and I would find her laying asleep in a different position than I had put her down in. Time for a bigger space. We rearranged our living room and setup a play pen, the same one we used when my son was little, to be my daughter’s new yes space. This space is especially beneficial if you have multiple children — my son can enjoy playing with his marbles and magnet tiles on the living room floor and I don’t have to worry about my daughter accidentally scooping one up and putting it in her mouth. She enjoys pulling herself up to stand and observing her brother in action.
Time for uninterrupted play.
Uninterrupted play is your ticket to sanity, moms and dads. If we think of “play” as our children’s job than uninterrupted play is their flow state. This is that magical time where they are completely entranced in their own schema. We should never interrupt our child when they are in this state of play unless absolutely necessary. We should also never comment on or praise our kids during this form of play; this is their time to be scientists and investigators and even one well intentioned “wow, that looks cool,” can take them totally out of their element and instead refocus their attention on us, the parents.
I can’t really control the when or how this happens for my son but when I can tell he’s in the zone I try to be as least distracting as possible. Lately it’s been happening in his room for after we do his bath. I’ll come downstairs to grab his “warm apple juice” and I will hear him talking up a storm or humming lightly from his room. I stay in the kitchen and get a few extra things done, happy to extend his bedtime so he may experience this type of play. I also try to make sure I have simple, easy manipulated toys available for both of my children. My son has wooden blocks in his room that he enjoys building roads and bridges with them for his toy cars. My daughter has stacking bowls and shaker eggs in her play area. Simple is best.
Freedom to explore and interact with other infants.
Before covid, I took my son to three different story times and a playgroup at the library each week. We practically lived at the library; it was great! Now that restrictions have eased and people are starting to enter these spaces again I can see the beauty of infant interaction taking place. I’m so thankful for my best friend, Chelsea, and our weekly play dates with our six children! These play dates give our children time to learn and practice social and emotional skills and allow our baby girls (both nearly 1 now!) time to explore each other. Chelsea and I sit back with full cups of coffee, and full hearts, as we watch the magic unfold. Until someone breaks into the finger paint or lets their chickens out, that is. Who knew “the fox in the chicken coop” was actually referring to a 3-year-old?!
Inviting the child to be an active participant in their care rather than a passive recipient.
This was the biggest transition for me to make with my infant son. Magda Gerber and Janet Lansbury teach us we should verbally prompt our babies and tell them what we are going to do before we do it. And then wait.
“I’m going to pick you up now.”
“It’s time for your diaper change. I’m going to lay you on the table and start unbuttoning your onesie. Would you like to hold this new diaper for me?”
It can feel silly at first, and even a bit tedious to talk out loud to a baby. But imagine that you were lying in bed gazing out a window, perfectly content, when someone comes up from behind and picks you up and carries you into a different room without explaining what is happening. Safe to say you’d be a bit alarmed, right? That is the idea here with involving your baby in their transitions and care. And I will say that you get used to hearing the sound of your own voice and your baby will start to learn your tone of voice and cues when these actions take place and I do believe it helps them process the situation and it also builds your relationship from the early days: win-win.
Sensitive observation of the child in order to understand the child’s needs.
It might make you uneasy to hear your baby cry and not immediately run to pick them up and rock them or soothe them. It might look like I am being cruel when I don’t immediately feed my son a bite of food when I see him struggling with his fork. Magda Gerber said, “go slowly” and I try to always remember that in times when I feel like intervening with my children. A baby can cry for a few minutes and still know that you love them. We all grow in periods of struggle, there is no denying that. The question we face as parents then is when and how to let our babies and children struggle.
When my son was a baby, I would jump up at every cry and walk him around or try to feed him because I thought if he was crying, he needed me. Even when I tried to put him back down in his crib, if he cried, I would pick him up again and start the process all over. I thought it was my job to soothe him to sleep before resting him down once more. Not only was this unrealistic, but it was also exhausting for me! Sometimes babies need to cry. They just do. I leave it your judgement on when to intervene, but sensitive observation can help you make that decision.
With my daughter, I was more confident in myself as a mom and my knowledge in RIE parenting. If I fed her, changed her and put her down in her crib to rest and she still cried, I knew that she was just adjusting to the transition of leaving my arms and getting comfortable in her bassinet. Her only method of communication at that point was to cry; she was sad I was leaving her, and those emotions were valid. I listened closely for 2–3 minutes and she started to self soothe and eventually fall asleep. She became a thumb sucker at 6 weeks old — maybe she was born to be one, or maybe she found her thumb because her mean mom gave her time to develop that reflex.
Consistency and clearly defined limits and expectations to develop self-discipline.
Every household, every family will have different limits in place, but they are vital to your everyday life. Limits and expectations save you from constantly being the “no” person. No don’t do this, don’t do that, no, no, no. Of course, you will need to remind your children of the limits you set especially when they get carried away. But the idea is if you set clear limits and are consistent, then soon your child will develop the ability to be a self-discipliner and make good choices.
In my house limits sound like:
- If you leave the table at mealtime you are done.
- Toys are not to be thrown.
- No hitting.
Basically, limits in our house are to manage the safety hazards and attempt to maintain some manners. I will write another post on limits because it’s such a rich, complex topic.
Now, take a deep breath and remember that you don’t have to get these principles perfect every time or even use all of them. Find out what resonates for you and your children and make adjustments accordingly. In my house, I try my best to keep these principles top of mind to keep the machine moving smoothly. And yes, even when practicing these principles, we still have bumps in the road but thanks to RIE, I have a strategy to navigate these situations with love and respect for myself and for my children.
*Janet Lansbury coined the term “yes space” in her 2010 blog post, Baby Interrupted.
