Fatherhood has been an incredible and insane journey for me and the little man is only fourteen months old. I can’t even fathom the twists and turns up the road, but even if I could it wouldn’t mean I am ready for them. Not really.

I was recently talking to someone about the risks of becoming a parent and how in many respects it is the next level up in intensity from the risks you take getting into a new relationship. Loving someone is walking a tightrope of trust over a wilderness of emotional scar tissue. You learn to love in ways you didn’t think possible, but the pendulum swings both ways and the pain you risk can be torturous.

Before my son was born I read article after article, blog after blog and book after book. This was all on top of the fact my wife has been working with infants and toddlers since she was barely a teen. She’s practically the Baby Whisperer. So there was not a lot out there I wasn’t aware of, but it’s a whole new ballgame when those little eyes are transmitting unfiltered, pure emotion right at you (and it’s even more powerful when his lungs jump in as well).

At this moment we are in the heavenly phase of ‘separation anxiety’ where he absolutely flips his lid when Mom leaves the room. I completely understand it happens with most children and since she works at home he is with her exponentially longer than me. During the week I am lucky if I get to see him for an hour or two before he hits the sack, but even in those moments I am clearly second fiddle.

The other morning I was heading to work and my wife was holding him up on her hip. I went to give her a hug and give him a goodbye kiss. He just turned his head. I tried again, but he clearly and concisely put his hand on my chest and pushed me off. He wanted nothing to do with me, especially if I was nudging in on his prized woman. The ride to work that morning was one of the darkest and loneliest of my life.

I don’t blame him or hold any anger towards him at all. It’s nothing like that, but no matter how mentally conscious I am of the situation and what factors are at play, the purity of the dismissal by your own child is too sharp a pain to just wave off. We all want to be heroes to our children. We want them to look up to us and show a desire to emulate the best parts of us when they become adults themselves. Yet when the reaction you get is a crystal clear rejection of that idea, it can make you question the very reason you are there.

After that morning I came home and had a long talk with my wife and admitted to her what I was going through. She wasn’t shocked in the least because it was written all over my face as I walked out the door. We agreed on some adjustments to our usual routines (I will put him to bed more often, read to him at night and jump in more on feeding him dinners). Those have only been in place for a couple weeks and I can already see a difference in him. Another lucky element is he is beginning to stay up later, so I am getting more time with him at home before he conks out for the night.

To any other new parents out there I just want to offer understanding and a piece of hope. Just know that it is temporary, it will likely swing from one parent to the other and make sure to be open to your partner about how you feel. As a team you can handle it much better than if you’re trying to bear the burden solo.