The word of the day: Vernacular

The standard native language of a country or locality

It’s a rare occasion that I wish my name were Vern (never) but in this moment, I can see one reason why. So I could start a personal blog called Vernacular. That’s today’s word of the day.

Vernacular (or could it be: Vernacular!) would be an online magazine to house the idiosyncratic musings that only a Vern is capable of musing. Verns around the world would scroll and click and consume every bit of that Vern-oriented content. This is based on my assumption that those named Vern have demented world views (views best clarified and explicated in blog form) and require a publication by them and for them.

Because right? Also, for some reason I associate Verns with ferns. (Is that only because they rhyme? No. There must be another reason.)

Yet how is it that Vernon, with its two extra letters, is four letters more respectable?(At least four!) Vernon is a man that I would loan a leaf blower to. Even this one. Vern is a man I would politely, but firmly, ask to get off my property.

Does this suggest a syllable theory of male first names? Let’s find out.

The Syllable Theory of Male First Names

One syllable names

The mono-syllabic male first name has kind of a retro quality to it. It hearkens back to an age when every business was a factory called “Plexco,” clipboards were ubiquitous, and White Men were in charge:

  • Mark
  • Ted
  • Bob
  • Dave
  • Chas
  • Frank
  • Bill
  • John
  • Sam
  • Reg

Two syllable names

Add a syllable and it’s like planing off a layer of patriarchy. Here are the same(ish) names, but note how they are marginally more effete. These men aren’t the CEO, but they might run the accounting apartment.

  • Marcus
  • Edward
  • Robert
  • David
  • Charlie
  • Francis
  • Billy
  • Jonzo
  • Sammy
  • Reggie

Three syllable names

Add syllable number three and these names start to get a bit hinky–and un poco caliente. I think the third syllable speaks to the result of the conflux of modernity and also to the redefinition of gender roles. Something, something, late-stage capitalism, et cetera…

  • Marketing
  • Eduardo
  • Roberto
  • Video
  • Charlemagne
  • Fransisco
  • Will.I.Am
  • Jonathon/Jonathan/Jonathen/Jhonothen
  • Samuel
  • Reginald

While the effect is less clear, these are dudes I’d rather party with. (Except Reginald, of course.)

Four syllable names

As we enter the Realm of the Fourth Syllable it becomes clear this experiment is less “science” and more something ‘written-on-a-Friday”:

  • Marcutio
  • Theo-doro
  • Robertorebor
  • Da’video
  • Chucklefucker
  • San Francisco
  • The Black Eyed Peas
  • Jon-Jon John-John
  • Sam-bastien
  • Reg-ariah

These results are inconclusive. You can read the full report in next month’s Vernacular.