Jinnah and Gandhi dreamed a Dream Together
Turning the Cheeky in a Parallel Universe
And so it came to pass that after August 15, 1947 that India adopted Mahatma Gandhi’s philosophy unanimously and wholeheartedly. They opened their hearts out to the Pakistanis without restraint and created a society with a motto of ‘Love Thy Neighbour’. They supplied largesses to Pakistan, hosted them and feted their Islamic Two-Nation Theory with such enthusiasm that even if the Pakistanis were to have doubts about themselves, Indians would go out of their way to bolster their self-esteem. In time, Pakistan would become overwhelmed with the love of their brothers across the border. So much so that when the US decided to foment fundamentalist Islamic terrorism as a state policy against Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, India supported the Pakistanis with an offer of making low priced AK47 rifles, to assist them in their Jihad. In 1990s the Indians went even further in their zeal for Pakistan’s Jihad, and passed a law that required every Indian to have a Pakistani Buddy, to communicate with over the Internet, to provide him with moral support and spiritual strength in those difficult times of the Holy War.
Here is an vignette from those delightful days of yore:
“Rajesh Kumar!” called out the clerk at the Income Tax Office.
Rajesh strode over to the desk with folded hands. “Namaste!” he greeted the official.
“Namaste ji! What can I do for you, please?” asked the official with a smile on his pock-marked face.
“Sahib, I have a problem. I am unable to file my taxes online.”
“Oh! Let me check that for you…”, the official replied, switching to his keyboard. He tapped a bunch of keys, then sighed. “I’m really sorry, Rajesh ji, but the reason your tax filing request is being rejected is that you haven’t been communicating with your Pakistani Buddy for the last two months. You know that the law states that as an Indian Citizen, you must keep constant contact with your PakiBuddy. The only excuse allowed is an Islamic holiday, which as we know has not occurred within the last two months. This is a very serious matter. You could even be fined for this…”
“Oh! but please, Sahib ji! I have good reason. My PakiBuddy, that is Mohammed Akram Khan Sahib, left for a suicide mission two months ago. You can see from our chat history how close I was to him in his last days. Surely, that should afford me some mercy…”, pleaded Rajesh.
“I see..”, replied the official. “But then, you should have applied for a new PakiBuddy right after. Why didn’t you?”
“Sahib, I was so distraught….”, said Rajesh ashamedly.
“Tsk! Tsk! This weakness does not befit a true Hindu.” said the official. “You know that the Gita says one must not grieve either for the living, or for the dead. The soul never dies. You do know that Akram Khan Sahib’s soul must be with Allah now. Then why lament?”
“I am truly sorry”, said Rajesh. “Can I apply for a new PakiBuddy now?”
“Yes, of course! Here is the online form. Remember to fill the column 18F, Cause of Discontinuation — mark the subsection box labeled “PakiBuddy Suicide Mission” and enter the date of your last chat session next to it. Once you submit the form, you can file your taxes without a hitch.”
“Thank you, Sahib!” said Rajesh happily.
The next century truly belonged to the people of the Subcontinent.
Indian patients suffering endogenous depression were given free visas to Pakistan to train as suicide bombers. Pakistani clerics and Hindu saints together created an End Of Life Academy, where Hindus were trained to meditate on their chosen demigods, or ista-devatas, before going on a suicide mission, so as to be elevated to the heavenly planet of that devata. The ‘victims’ who were thus prepared to die, hugged the suicide bomber in their midst in a true expression of ‘Love Thy Enemy”. The maulvis issued fatwas that no unprepared victims should be forced to part of the detonation camp, or else Allah would not accept their sacrifice. The Hindus rejoiced at these declarations and urged their congregations to learn from the Muslims how to reject the world and embrace the afterlife.
It was peace and harmony all round.
In 2001, the Pakistani establishment offered to bomb India with a thermonuclear device. The jubilation in India knew no bounds. Teams of nuclear physicists from both sides of the border worked together to create the most powerful hydrogen bombs the world had ever seen. Meditation camps sprung up all over India, where people eager to elevate themselves to heavenly planets could learn how to focus their minds wholly on the afterlife. A vast body of literature grew, with volumes upon volumes featured descriptions of the afterlife on each of the demigods’ planes in such detail that it enjoined the reader to give up the ghost immediately. People who were under-confident in their belief of their chosen afterlife flocked to psychiatrists, gurus, palm-readers and PakiBuddies, to rid them of their self-doubts. The project was almost abandoned because the people who survived the bombing complained that they would feel rejected by their gods. The Christian missionaries helped them out by admonishments of “O ye of little faith!” and ironically scoffed at them with declarations like : “The meek shall inherit the Earth”. All hope hung on the scientists — to create a chain reaction of bombs that ensured no living human soul survived in India.
Of course, the scientists came through.
In the end, with all the Hindus gone, the PakiBuddies had no purpose left in life. Having achieved their aim of Jihad against India, they became dejected, although not for long. They started bombing Jews, Christians and Sufis and each other, and were in turn bombed out by them.
The entire Indian Subcontinent became a nuclear wasteland by the year 2020.
Om Shanti Shanti.